Monday, September 28, 2009

Panic Switch

It took nine innings but the Dodgers finally moved a run in courtesy of a Chin-lung Hu sacrifice fly. Here is the reaction from IEC contributor Danny regarding the 11-1 Dodger loss to the Pirates: Wow.

I was ready to write a sarcastic blog about this being the time to panic since Blake and Manny both have tender hamstrings, Ronnie Belliard tweaked his groin, Broxton blew it yesterday, and Jason Repko isn't getting enough playing time. That post was going to feature an embedded link of the Silversun Pickups music video for Panic Switch until I actually watched the video and saw that the lead singer is a dude. He sure fooled me. Also, I liked the song at first listen a while back and now that I've revisited it can assure you this band is dead to me. And speaking of relatively new music I'm exposing myself to for no reason, why I bought this Queens of the Stoneage album Era Vulgaris (I'm a douche) is beyond me. Two, maybe three tracks are tolerable, that's it.

Finally, here is video of Jason Repko throwing a runner out at the plate.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I am not staring at the food uncomfortably as if you forgot to tell the cook no mayo or didn't give me that side of barbecue sauce I asked for. I'm not trying to make eye contact with any waitress or waving anyone down to ask if I can have more water. No, I'm actually eating what I just ordered as it was recently served.

Un-war (as Rome's clones would say) that waitress that loves to ask if everything is okay seconds after you've just taken a bite of your food and she can clearly see that your mouth is temporarily impaired. Why are you forcing me to shoot bits and pieces of bread at you as I rush to politely answer 'yes'?

"Is everything okay?" - "*scoffndoffesh*"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Top 10 Reasons Why There Are Only Three Blogs Posted So Far This September

10. Started reading text printed on paper.
9. MLB The Show '09
8. Spent several off days in what's known as the out doors.
7. Arkham Asylum
6. Avril Lavigne's divorce allowed me to work on a romantic haiku that was later crumpled and thrown away. Then written again. Then crumpled once more.
5. Anti-Spider Coalition meeting preparations consumed more time than expected.
4. Started watching Mad Men, caught up on The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc;.
3. Work
2. Built furniture
1. Sooooo lazy

With about seven days left in September it's a bit too early to throw in the virtual towel. Here's something to hold everyone over until I can get back in the swing of things:

PHILADELPHIA – Police in Philadelphia say a white officer who came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards. The Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday that Officer Thomas Strain was put on desk duty this month because of the braids, even though the paper reported dozens of black officers wear cornrows.

Monday, September 21, 2009

An Abbreviated Batman: Arkham Asylum Review

For the past few days I've been cruising along enjoying Batman: Arkham Asylum on the new PS3. I'm only at 26% completion, but the game has been filled with challenging puzzles, intricate scenery, clever dialogue, stellar voice overs, stealth missions, weapon upgrades, and the best animated combat scenes I've ever seen. It's too bad that I'll never be able to post an entire review of the game since it looks like I'll be stuck forever at 26%.

I've got three words for all of you: Cryptographic Range Amplifier. Cryptographic Range Amplifiers are the reason why I give up so easily on video games like this.

I entered the mission of apprehending Harley Quinn on a positive note. I figured out I had to zip line to the next level and avoid electrocution, took out about ten bad guys, crushed two insane patients, and made my way into the area where Harley Quinn was hiding behind bullet-proof glass. With two security guards dangling above pools of water with electric sparks flying everywhere the mission was obvious: turn off the power, kill the sparks, cut down the guards and continue on. One problem: I do not have a Cryptographic Range Amplifier.

According to my endless google searches, I was supposed to pick up this Cryptographic Range Amplifier upgrade way back in the beginning of the mission where, before you kill all the hoodlums, you're supposed to let one of them open up some supply cabinet thing so you can find the upgrade. Now honestly, how the fuck am I supposed to know that? When I see bad guys flying at me I'm not worrying about some closed supply cabinet doors and an upgrade I didn't even know I needed. Why am I punished for being awesome and killing bad guys too quickly? How the fuck does that work?

So, if anyone can help me do what's in the picture above (and at the 3:57 mark of this video) and turn off the power from far away without the
Cryptographic Range Amplifier upgrade please let me know. If there's a way I can go back and get it, I'd love to know that too. Let's save my PS3 from ending up on eBay and help a brother out.


Update: It took forever but I was able to pass this part without the Cryptographic Range Amplifier and am now at 27% completion.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Football Season: Living With Replays & Highlights

Western Kentucky Hilltopper mascot Big Red lives in your nightmares.

There's no football team I root for passionately any more. The Cowboys owned my interest in the 90s and I joked about being a Notre Dame fan for obvious reasons, but since 2002 I can't say I have a team. No older brothers meant no Raider, Rams, Trojan, or Bruin love. While your older brothers were telling you tales of Jim Plunkett and Marcus Allen my older sister was making me watch The Dark Crystal for a third time.

Now I just root for a good game, gamble when appropriate, and join fantasy leagues to exercise my clever team name ideas (See: OchoCincoDeMayo, DelhommeBoys, FarOffFavre, RomoArigato, [Washington] PotatoSkins, etc;). I played football, collected football cards, bought football jerseys. The game gets more exciting every year.

Because of my working situation over the last four and a half years I'm usually left with watching the replays from all the weekend games, which is hit an miss. It's great getting a summary of all the blow outs but watching the highlights to a close game that gets decided in the last 10 minutes is upsetting, like today's USC/Ohio State and UCLA/Tennessee games.

The good news is I'm off this coming Monday and there's a good six hours of NFL I can subject myself to courtesy of a double-header.

I am ready for some football.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A.S.C.: Hoping For A Spider-free Tomorrow, Today.

Click to enlarge. From Left to Right: Gwen “I’m Walking Into Spiderwebs” Stefani, Ferrari Model “Spyder”, John “Spider” Salley, Spider-Man, The Spiderwick Chronicles, A Spider Plant, Crabs (looking very Spider-y), Anderson “Spider” Silva, Emanuel “Webster” Lewis, That hidden spider on the one dollar bill, Spidey the Richmond University Spider Mascot, Carl “Spider” Lockhart, Spyder of Powerman 5000, A Spider Monkey, Charlotte’s Web, John “Star of Arachnophobia” Goodman.

As a member of the Anti-Spider Coalition I welcome you to a movement sparked by the same people behind Amistad 2: Freedom 4Ever (starring Pauley Shore). Our mission statement is simple: spiders must go. Out of our hair, off our walls, banished beyond the known galaxy. Spiders are at the root of most of life’s unnecessary heartaches. The A.S.C. has compiled a number of anti-spider arguments that will be posed in a creative way, much of which will be summarized in this article but may be expanded upon at later dates as new and annoying issues arise.

Much like the people you didn’t invite to your last birthday party, Spiders were the unwelcomed assholes that secretly crawled their way onto Noah’s Ark. Nestled in the fur of a grizzly bear they laid out plans for what their return to ground would entail:

1. Make webs, everywhere: Abandon old webs frivolously, create new ones at your leisure. Continue to spawn webs in high traffic areas, especially in-between houses and in driveways so that everyone who gets caught in them will flail their arms and broomsticks at what appears to be nothing to neighbors watching from across the street. Standby from a safe distance and watch as that person who walked into your web thinks that you’re in their hair or on their shirt.

2. Be a dick and bite every living organism: Just bite away, dude. Bite people on their foreheads and their ankles and just leave huge bumps and reddish skin that will last for days and days. Don’t wait to be attacked to defend yourself, just assume everyone hates you and bite every fucking thing. A baby thought your egg sack was a cotton ball? Attack it.

3. Never, ever get caught: Run on people’s walls and doors and just never get caught. Get chased around by everything from newspapers to Dixie cups, but never get caught. If caught, just stop moving and pretend you’re dead and then start running around again.

4. Kill people: Have poison, lots of it. Remember that old spittoon your dad left you and how cool it looks? Live inside of that until someone tries to clean it, then just try and bite them so that person dies.

5. Stop people from going to sleep: Remember rule number three about not getting caught? This is in that same vein. Walls, TVs, shoes, tables, pillows, blankets, light bulbs, lampshades, everything is fair game. Make sure you gain the slightest of eye contact and then it’s off to the races at 1:37am in the morning. There’s no doubt that person has to wake up early for work or school so you need to do everything in your power to hide behind books and under that old backpack. They’ll never find you, never go to sleep, and never ruin your old abandoned webs again.

There’s also the unexplainable act of spider-surfing.

Picture this: You just woke up to brush your teeth and you spot a nickel-sized spider cooling out in your sink, and guess what, it’s right near the drain. This should be simple. You stare it down for a few seconds hoping it doesn’t move then you reach for the hot side of the faucet flip it on and whoosh goes spidey. You’re a winner, right? Wrong. You throw on the Sensodyne, power up the electric toothbrush, fill your cup with water, look down and see a hair-sized limb peaking up from the drain. Are you fucking serious? You just let the water run for a good two minutes and this mother fucker surfed the waves and made his way back to the shore. Unbelievable. So now you think, alright, game on. Throw on the water again, add in some soap, spit at it, and give it another three minutes of Raging Waters. Somehow this arachnid goes Michael Phelps on you again. It curls into a ball and rolls down the drain only to reappear a second time. Eventually you gather the strength to smash it with an old face towel but are still amazed that this thing survived the galloons you threw at it. One of many reasons why spiders don’t deserve to coexist with us.

Having said all of that, I can think of only one exception where I technically rooted for a spider, but you’ll need to understand the circumstances. The year was 1991. My Kindergarten teacher Ms. Duran opened up class with a nature book about spiders that included terrifyingly detailed pictures of their eyes and limbs. Haunted, slightly traumatized, I suffered countless nightmares until several months later when I was exposed to one of the best pro-spider scenes in cinematic history. A little more than half-way through Home Alone we watch as Kevin McAllister picks up (he fucking touched it!) Buzz’s tarantula and places it on Marv’s face, who proceeds to shriek girlishly. Marv flips the tarantula off his chest only to have it land on Harry, who is then beaten by Marv as he tries to hit it with his crowbar. Technically, this was being pro-spider but only because it acted as the source of a man shrieking followed by a man getting beaten. It’s a technicality I have to deal with every day.

And finally, here is something to hold you all over until the next A.S.C. article. Here is the No Doubt “Spiderwebs” rewrite, complete with spider defaming lyrics (original lyrics and video here):

You know that we infect
That our intentions are suspect
We’ll walk right into your ears
Presumingly, we strike fear
And now you’re stuck in my web
You’re annoyed
I’ve got you for my prey...

Sorry I’m so web-happy
I make annoying spider webs
So you can get caught in them

While walking to your car
Webs are annoying

Don’t look now but

I just bit your back

I’m crawling down your spine
Just when you thought everything was fine
I’ve got the poison inside of me
Worse than anything carried by a bee

Skin abrasion, an egg sack nation

We’re planning our escape


And its all my fault
I once bit a guy on the balls
No matter who’s balls
I’m climbing all over your bedroom walls

Now my fangs go in deep
I’ll wake you in your sleep
Your dreams become nightmares
‘Cause I’m living in your ears


[Excessive Jibberish, add in several “No matter matter”s]