'Tis The Season?

Sought: Wal-Mart shoppers who trampled NY worker

NEW YORK – Police were reviewing video from surveillance cameras in an attempt to identify who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker after a crowd of post-Thanksgiving shoppers burst through the doors at a suburban store and knocked him down.

Criminal charges were possible, but identifying individual shoppers in Friday's video may prove difficult, said Detective Lt. Michael Fleming, a Nassau County police spokesman.

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It's good to know the holidays bring out the best in everyone. I hope that $10 savings on scented candles was worth it.

Unbelievable.

Even the mind-frozen consumerist zombies in 1978's Dawn of the Dead were more polite than these assholes. I can't even enjoy Beat Street right now on Turner Classic Movie Channel because I made the mistake of checking Yahoo! News.

Giving Thanks

I'm not big on this time of year for reasons only close friends are aware of, but there's at least one thing I am thankful for this Thanksgiving: Coach Mike Gundy.

On September 22nd, 2007, the head coach of the Oklahoma State Football team provided the world with 3 minutes and 20 seconds of post-game press conference ranting bliss. In the YouTube era, I have honestly watched this thing too many times (it's been a year, no moving on for me). Unfortunately, I was so inspired that I transcribed the entire speech about a month after the video surfaced.

So, in honor of November 2007, here is the video complete with a line-for-line reading of the speech.

"I wanna talk about this article right here. If anybody hasn’t read this article- I don’t read it- This was brought to me by a mother… of children. I think this is worth reading. Let me tell you why I wanna talk about this article. Three-fourths of this is inaccurate. It’s fiction. And, this article, embarrasses me to be involved in athletics… tremendously. And that article, had to of been written by a person that doesn’t have a child. And has NEVER HAD A CHILD THAT’S HAD THEIR HEART BROKEN AND COME HOME upset. AND HAD TO DEAL WITH THE CHILD, WHEN HE IS UPSET. AND KICK A PERSON WHEN HE’S DOWN. HERE’S ALL THAT KID DID: HE GOES TO CLASS, HE’S RESPECTFUL TO THE MEDIA, HE’S RESPECTFUL TO THE PUBLIC, AND HE’S A GOOD KID. He’s not a professional athlete and he doesn’t deserved to be kicked when he’s down. If you have a child someday, you’ll understand how it feels. But you obviously don’t have a child, I do. IF YOUR CHILD GOES DOWN THE STREET, AND SOMEBODY MAKES FUN OF HIM BECAUSE HE DROPPED A PASS IN A PICK-UP GAME… OR SAYS HE’S FAT! AND HE COMES HOME CRYING TO HIS MOM. You’d understand. But you havn’t had that. But someday you will. And when your child comes home, you’ll understand. IF YOU WANNA GO AFTER AN ATHLETE, ONE OF MY ATHLETES, YOU GO AFTER ONE THAT DOESN’T DO THE RIGHT THING. YOU DON’T DOWNGRADE HIM BECAUSE HE DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT AND MAY NOT PLAY AS WELL ON SATURDAY, AND YOU LET US MAKE THAT DECISION. THAT’S WHY I DON’T READ THE NEWSPAPER… BECAUSE IT’S GARBAGE! AND THE EDITOR THAT LET IT COME OUT IS GARBAGE! ATTACKIN’ AN AMATEUR ATHLETE FOR DOIN EVERYTHING RIGHT. AND THEN YOU WANNA WRITE ARTICLES ABOUT GUYS THAT DON’T DO THINGS RIGHT AND DOWNGRADE THE ONES THAT DO MAKE PLAYS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHERE ARE WE AT IN SOCIETY TODAY? COME AFTER ME!! I’M A MAN!! I’M 40!! I’M NOT A PL- I’M NOT A KID! Write something about me. Or our coaches. Don’t write about a kid, that does everything right, that’s hearts broken, and then say that the coaches said he was scared- THAT AIN’T TRUE! And then to say we made that decision because Donnovan was, because he threatened to transfer- THAT‘S NOT TRUE! So get your FACTS straight. And I hope someday you have a child and someone be-downgrades him and belittles him and you have to look him in the eye and say, ‘you know what… that’s okay’. They’re supposed to be mature adults but they’re really not. And who’s the kid? Who’s the kid here? Are you kidding me? That’s all I got to say. Makes me wanna puke. (Applause).


Happy Thanksgiving.

David Presents... Comic Book POTW #1

Contributing to the nothingness of this blog is guest host David with your Comic Book Pick Of The Week, Volume Uno.



"This weeks top pick is batman 681. The exciting conclusion of batman R.I.P."

Wikipedia offers a bit more info: "Batman R.I.P." is a comic book story arc involving the character Batman written by Grant Morrison, penciled by Tony Daniel,[1] Sandu Florea, and with covers by Alex Ross. It has a number of tie-ins in other DC Comics titles that are not to be confused with the main story running in Batman.

The issue runs for about $18-22 on eBay. Act now because the big D won't lend you his.

That's So Gay

Your video picks of the day:

1. Hilary Duff spotlights a new ad campaign against the misuse of the word "Gay". Remember, thinkb4youspeak.

2. Counter Strike Disneyland Haunted Mansion Custom Made Map!

(Thanks to boingboing for the link)

3. Bike Hero.

Memory Lane Monday: Pogs

Continuing with our popular Monday feature, I'll be low-lighting Pogs this week. (Special thanks to Carlos for helping me decide between Pogs or the origin of those oven baked cheese potatoes from a magical 5 years ago in high school. I hope graduate school is as cool as it looks on TV.)

Pogs. What else can I tell you that you didn't already read on retrojunk.com? Well, for starters, your older brother/sister were assholes and didn't tell you how gay you looked playing with them. If they did, make sure you go the extra distance this Christmas and get them that iPod case they don't want to spend $32.99 on. They were looking out for you. My older sister was not.

Do you remember wondering what the whole deal was with Pokemon a few years ago? You looked exactly like that. Except in place of a rare Manaphy (thank you, wikipedia) card you were holding something called a slammer with the word "Poison" on it.

Hopefully you lived in an area like mine where ice cream men patrolled your lazy street and capitalized on your stupidy.

Instead of buying that extra Ninja Turtles iced cream pop with bubble gum eyes, you spent your money on circular pieces of cardboard. They sold you tens, maybe hundreds (Daniel), of them. Maybe some were the fake, cheap ones. Maybe some were official. It didn't matter: you were going to take down Joey Lopez or Armando Duran and win the covetted Goosebumps pog with the dummy on it.

If you need someone to blame your subsequent gambling addiction on like me, you can trace this mess back to Blossom Galbiso, a school teacher in that fake U.S.A. known as Hawaii who used pogs to help teach kids math in the early 1990s. Thanks Ms. (safe to assume unmarried) Galbiso for making me look like a tool. It wasn't enough that I was wearing tie dye slip-ons and counterfeit Adidas shorts, now I'm playing with Pogs!

Leave it to The Simpsons to immortalize this craze and frame my generation's biggest embarrassment. Milhouse, the gayest character in the history of television, was beside himself when he got his new pogs featuring that mischievous alien. "Remember Alf? He's back. In pog form." How this game inspired tournaments is mind boggling.

In any case, I had a healthy addiction to sports cards and nintendo games that allowed me to give up on the game before joining any professional clubs or tournaments.

For those of you who were not so lucky, I'll continue praying for your soul.

Chad Billingsley's Thigh(s) In Jeopardy?

On Saturday it was announced that Chad Billingsley slipped on ice outside of his home in Reading, PA. And yes, Dodger fans everywhere trembled in fear at the thought of our big legged boy going down like a mighty sequoia.

Chad's thighs are huge. To say they look disproportionate to his body would be an understatement. Now, that's not to say that Chad is fat (FAT!). If you'd only stare at a picture of the plump Jonathan Broxton, then compare it to our boy Bills, you'd see the difference I see. Broxton is just a giant lardo, with a clear indication of where stomach mass ends and jumbo ham-hocks begin. Billingsley is all thigh.

During the season, I was laughed off the air (yes, I was) from Dodger Talk on KABC 790 for merely stating the obvious: that Billingsley's thighs are just amazingly big and awesome and the source of all his power. The hosts, great guys, went on for a few minutes plus mocking my statement.

I'm secure with my sexuality. I don't need to prove anything to any one.

And neither do you.

Please, celebrate Chad's thighs and wish him a speedy recovery.

Chinese Democracy: No Review, I Promise

Today marked the release of Chinese Democracy by Axl Rose or Guns 'N Roses or whoever the fuck you want to credit. The point is, you've already seen and heard enough about what other people think, and since I listened to the official release earlier I'll spare everyone the tedious review of the album's music content.

Instead, here's a great slice of rant simply about the artwork, straight from buddyhead:

"In case you’re in so far in denial that your brain refuses to process the image that your eyes are sending to it, it’s a picture of a fucking bike. You know, if I were a Guns ‘N Roses fan as opposed to someone who sometimes refrains from switching the radio station when “Paradise City” and “Sweet Child Of Mine” come on, I’d be pretty pissed off, especially if I’d just spent an enormous chunk of my life waiting for this release. It’s like Axl’s saying “Hey guys, thanks for sticking around for seventeen years while I continually pushed the limits of how far I could fit my head up my own ass. Here’s a bike!” Not only that, but as someone who actually has professional experience with graphic design, I can truthfully say that no one worth their paycheck would have designed a layout like that, the subject matter of the photo aside. Not only did they pick a typeface that makes Comic Sans look interesting by comparison, but they even added an outline to it. Yeah, that always looks great! I guess after all the millions of dollars that were flushed down the toilet invested in making this album, they could only afford to hire some 75-year-old grandmother who just taught herself how to use Print Shop and enjoys designing inspirational cards for her church friends.Let’s face it, since we’ve already heard the vast majority of Chinese Democracy, pretty much the only thing left to really look forward to was the artwork. Not that any cover art wouldn’t have been at least a little disappointing, since nothing could possibly live up to the hype this album has generated, but this is ridiculous."

Black Friday IV: Insignia's Revenge.

For anyone who hasn't worked in retail, Black/Green Friday is the grandest day of the year for employees to celebrate the following:

• Trampled Citizens
• Use of the Phrase "Bait and Switch"
• First dibs on hiding that FOX Television series on DVD that's $20/$30 cheaper behind a cabinet OR behind a Special Interest DVD nobody wants
  
• Stolen Cars in the Parking Lot
• Stolen Items from Cars in the Parking Lot
• Stolen Cars, And The Items Bundled With Them
• Work Breaks, On Time, and Often Longer/More Frequent Courtesy of Your Sympathetic/Distracted Manager
• Frustrated Old People (Why are they here?)
• That Guy Who's Complaining At Customer Service Because It Took 23 Minutes To Find A Parking Spot (Also, his car was stolen)
• The Employee Break Room Filled With Employees You Never See Any More And Hope To Never See Again
• That Manager You Hate Trips Over Something
  
• The $14.89 Price Difference of Same Item At Local Competitor

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

M.S.D.M.S.M.P.M.C.P.A.F.R.R.F.T.C: A Success

Boy makes rare recovery from rabies

BRASILIA (Reuters) – A 15-year-old boy in Brazil recovered from a normally deadly rabies infection, becoming one of a handful of survivors of the virus worldwide and the first in the country, the health ministry said on Friday.

The teenager, who was bitten by a blood-sucking bat in the northeastern state of Pernambuco, was found to be clear of the virus after more than a month of hospital treatment using a combination of drugs.

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This makes that episode of The Office a top 10 if it already wasn't one.

NES Coffee Table: 6 Months Later...

Everyone, this gift is courtesy of me cleaning out old bookmarks. Welcome to my obsession 6 months ago that has now been rekindled.

Excerpt from the genius behind it all:

"Some people have asked for the blueprints I used to make it, so they can have a go at making one themselves (yay! I have inspired!). I didn't really use "blueprints" for this, I basically just stuck my NES controller in a scanner and scanned it. I then printed it off so it filled an A4 page, and used that image to measure how far apart everything on the controller is. The second half of these blueprints where are just a list of the pieces I needed to cut so I didn't forget."

Lakers, Kings, Other Things.

I'll catch up with The Office tomorrow. Until then, here are the quick details after a Thursday night of nothing but sports.

NCAAF - Miami vs. Georgia Tech. Highlight: Mark "The 'X' Is Silent" Teixeira and Jason Varitek on the sidelines rooting for Georgia Tech. The cameraman zoomed in on Varitek's haircut. Didn't finish the game, didn't have to.

NFL - Bengals vs. Steelers: Snow everywhere. Pretty fun until the Bengals remembered they were the Bengals.

NBA - Pistons vs. Celtics: I wish Rasheed Wallace would just fight Allen Iverson for no particular reason. You could make a graphic novel out of all their tats thrown together.

NBA - Lakers vs. Suns: Lakers Win! But really, the real winner is you after you watch this video.

NHL - Capitals vs. Kings: Ovechkin-shmetchkin, Kings win 5 to 2. This game was pretty intense. Kings came out storming the Caps and played inspired the rest of the game. Dustin Brown had a sweet goal. I still can't see the puck on TV.


Also, be sure to visit The Onion as they've updated the Sports section.
Best Headline: "Mariners Eliminated From MLB Off-Season".

Pittsburgh Sportswriter Had Jack Wilson as NL MVP

• Mariners Eliminated From MLB Off-Season
• O. J. Mayo Makes Sure No One's Looking Before Putting Sweatband On Penis
• Carson Palmer Refers To Tie As 'Like Kissing Your Brother'

Pittsburgh Sportswriter Had Jack Wilson as NL MVP

Memory Lane Monday: Blockbuster Music

Business: Blockbuster Music
Timeline: 1992-1998
History: Blockbuster acquires Sound Warehouse and Music Plus chains to create Blockbuster Music stores.
What Happened?: Wherehouse Entertainment announced that it will purchase Blockbuster Music from Viacom Inc. for $115 million. The merged operation will have 598 stores throughout North America, second only to Minnesota-based Musicland. The deal comes at the end of a prolonged slump for the music industry, one that was particularly hard for Blockbuster.

Back to the Future: "The Pinball"?

"Michael J. Fox refused to permit his image to be used to adorn the backglass of the game, and so the replacement image has a rather odd look." - Wikipedia entry on BTTF: The Pinball.

I can't even begin to deal with this right now.

First, why didn't MJF want the sweet, sweet royalties that come from Pinball image lending? Second, Why did the company go with two people who look nothing like the main characters? Why do they look so creepy and out of place? And most importantly: is it just me or does it sound awkward without adding "Game" to the title of this contraption. "The Pinball"... "The Pinball Game".

Also, I really want this.

Frank-ibu Chicken

Our friend Frank (above) has submitted his recipe to "The Next Food Network Star". The recipe, Frank-ibu Chicken, is a take on Malibu Chicken and looks sexier than it sounds.

Video: Frank-ibu Chicken

The Drinky Crow Show

"In certain New York artistic circles the cartoonist Tony Millionaire is famous for once, at the end of a very long night, having sex with a slice of pizza." - New York Times, 05/13/2007.


I am incredibly late on this one.

Turns out the cartoon icon I've loved since that random day in 1999 when I picked up an LA Weekly is getting his own TV show. Drinky Crow, main character of the comic strip Maakies by cartoonist/loonist Tony Millionaire, will star in "The Drinky Crow Show" on adultswim this November 23rd, 2008. Mr. Millionaire announced more episodes are being worked on, which is exciting since I just got around to watching the pilot that aired last year (love the artwork/animation).

The strips can be found at maakies.com and are usually filled with off brand humor and random lunacy, which, if you're in the right mood, is pretty entertaining. Plus, Tony can draw. Unfortunately, someone already beat me to the punch...

5 Reasons Why The Dodgers Should Not Resign Manny

1) He'll extend Ned Colletti's tenure.
2) Alyssa Milano's unsexy attempt at being goofy continues. (see above)
3) We'll forget all about the Lakers going 82-0.
4) Blake DeWitt continues saying "DeWitt Being DeWitt" when joking around with an easily impressed Manny.
5) Every person in Los Angeles with the last name Ramirez will grow up.

Welcome to Everything

Welcome to the blog, folks. Yours truly, MikeO, will be your guide through the infinite et cetera. Strap in, strap on, and get ready for an insurmountable amount of mounting.