Exciting New Products I Can't Afford

This is not my version of a ShamWow commercial, I promise.

Back in Phoenix I was introduced to something called "kaleidoscope", a program that uses your computer + remote + television to control almost everything in your home. Flip on the lights, turn on the sprinklers, find out if there's a toffee peanut under the couch. This thing was insanely expensive and made me pray that we're not too lazy to get up and make sure the doors are locked before going to bed.

Almost a month later I remembered one more cool item I'd seen from Denon, a premier audio receiver manufacturer (After all, Denon only make audio visual products, Yamaha makes motorcycles. Case closed).

The Denon 840W retails for $1,499.99 and has something called Audyssey EQ Control, a feature that employs filters that analyze hundreds of points in the audible frequency range and measures the tonal levels in dialogue and keeps the audio at a normal volume no matter what is playing.

Essentially all that means is that the way it calibrates audio will help you fight against one of most annoying things in the world: That time when you're watching your favorite TV show and it goes to commercial and the commercial is way too fucking loud and you reach for the remote but it falls to the side of the couch/bed so you can't lower it in time and by then it's too late because the freecreditreport guys are three-fourths done with their song.

Yes, it fights against that. I await your PayPal donations.

8-Bit Trip: Speechless

If you have not seen this video yet, make sure you watch it twice in full screen. The Pong animation/transition is stellar. Have at it:



Courtesy of BoingBoing.

Confessional: Owning Up To Questionable MP3s

I have a confession.

I have more than one mp3 by Foreigner. While cleaning up the ole hard drive I found about four tracks and while I'm not necessarily proud of them I still can't escape the saxophone solo in the middle of Urgent. You'll be happy to know that I Want To Know What Love Is is not one of the mp3s since I get to hear it every time I shop at Albertson's. They're playing the Western Idaho Fair on Tuesday. Road trip?

In addition to Foreigner, there's way too many Avril Lavigne songs on here. I'll have to give my laptop to someone else so they can delete them for me because it ain't happening on my own terms. G0 Blue Jays! Seriously though, this isn't cool.

Stay tuned for the next confessional. Hint: It will not have to do with Hanson or Cute Is What We Aim For.

The Cardiff Giant: American Hoax

Great American hoaxes are part of my latest fascination, especially after reading bits and pieces from Uncle John's 4-Ply Bathroom Reader that was given to me as a gift months ago. The book is filled with a variety of stories, facts, vocabulary, and anything else you may need to win a game of Trivial Pursuit. So while you're busy trying to think of a Michael-is-George-Costanza correlation (Swarm!) let me (Wikipedia) tell you a tale of one of the tallest men in America who never existed:

---

The Cardiff Giant was the creation of a New York tobacconist named George Hull. Hull, an atheist, decided to create the giant after an argument with a fundamentalist minister named Mr. Turk about the passage in Genesis 6:4 that there were giants who once lived on earth.

Hull hired men to carve out a 10-foot (3.0 m) long, 4.5-inch block ofgypsum in Fort Dodge, Iowa, telling them it was intended for a monument to Abraham Lincoln in New York. He shipped the block to Chicago, where he hired a German stonecutter to carve it into the likeness of a man and swore him to secrecy. Various stains and acids were used to make the giant appear to be old and weathered, and the giant's surface was beaten with steel knitting needles embedded in a board to simulate pores. Then Hull transported the giant by rail to the farm of William Newell, his cousin, in November 1868. He had by then spent US$2,600 on the hoax.

Nearly a year later, Newell hired Gideon Emmons and Henry Nichols, ostensibly to dig a well, and on October 16, 1869, they found the Giant. One of the men reportedly exclaimed, "I declare, some old Indian has been buried here!"

---

It's hard not to be overly amused by this hoax. First, you have to wonder how heated an argument would get between an atheist and a fundamentalist to spark a semi-wealthy asshole to commit to this prank one hundred percent. I can safely assume Mr. Hull was never married and bared no children since he could afford so much effort in dicking with a minister. Not to mention he was a tobacconist and an atheist. I can picture him lighting the biggest cigar with a page right out of the bible.

1998's comedy My Giant starring Billy Crystal and the towering 7'7" Georghe Muresan deserves a cryptic remake and I can't think of a better suited role for myself other than that of George Hull. The plot opens in 1860s New York as the camera zooms in on Hull getting kicked out of a burlesque house for shouting obsentities at a bar stool (Earlier, Hull had accidentally sat on the stool even though it belonged to another patron who had only gotten up briefly to use the restroom). Soused, Hull seeks refuge at a local church where he sleeps for ten hours only to be rudely awakened by the attending minister. The rest pretty much writes itself.

One more thing: Why do I always find out about these things before it's too late? There's some experimental rock group in Bloomington, Indiana who is using Cardiff Giant as their band name. That was so mine!

Why You Should Subscribe To This Is Why You're Fat

Oreo cream centers removed and melted into a dip.

That's the latest from This Is Why You're Fat, a website that follows one simple outline: send us the most fattening, non-nutritious blends of innovative junk food and we'll post it for all to see. Everyone that I've shown the website to has since found at least one thing on there they've eaten before or wouldn't mind eating for the first time. Page after page, bacon strip after bacon strip, watch as your mood slowly changes from disgust to desire.

Each recipe can be categorized one of three ways: 1.) Those that are made simply for shock value and can't really be eaten, 2.) Those that are moderately-to-grossly overindulgent but still feasible food, and 3.) Those that are hilariously over-the-top stupid but possibly delicious.

My favorite are those that fall into the third category which include:

• The Pizza Party - A DiGiorno pizza on top of a Jack’s pizza topped with Totino’s pizza rolls.
• Bacon Wrapped French Toast Sticks Stonehenge - French toast slices wrapped in bacon and built to look like Stonehenge.
• French Fry-Encased Hot Dog On A Stick - Hot Dog coated in french fries.
  

For all of us in California you'll feel right at home looking at pictures of In-N-Out's Animal Style Fries or Jim's Super Burgers D.U.I.. I still don't get how thousand island dressing on top of cheese on top of fries is anything but disgusting, but this is why we're fat. Those of you might remember that five months ago I visited our local landmark Pink's for America The Beautiful and lived to tell about it. Although I've yet to see it on TIWYF I'm sure it'll be submitted sooner or later. God bless America!

Extra Innings Courtesy Of Local Dimwit

I'm conflicted.

If you've ever watched a car chase you know exactly where I'm coming from. Some crazed lunatic driving a beat up 2003 Kia Sorento tries to lose the cops by driving on the wrong side of the road, jumps a curve, and comes to a popular intersection. Neighbors turned pedestrians watching the chase on television decide to go outside and cheer the driver on as he speeds through another light and pretends to slow down only to speed up once more.

Years ago I can remember local radio host Tom Leykis talk about some alert system he signed up for where it would let you know when a car chase was happening and what channel had the best view. Local newspapers reported more networks would abstain from broadcasting the chase to spare future phelons from fifteen minutes of fame. Not sure how true that is today.

For the second time this week a fan at Dodger stadium ran onto the field and for the second time it was not shown on television. Vin Scully's explaining the cause for pause as this idiot interrupts a critical point in the 9th inning. Great job distracting Broxton who by the way has only two saves over the last three weeks and needs all the concentration he can get. It's bad enough we have the reputation for leaving early, now we're staying until the 9th inning to run around like a douche bag on the field. Don't worry, no game going on here.

As much as I'd love to watch the fan being brutally tackled or beaten on television I'm also glad they don't show it (seeing it live is better anyway). I really wonder if these people are as naive as I was about running on the field before it was brought to my attention that 1.) You are jailed for trespassing, 2.) Fined thousands of dollars, and 3.) Banned from the stadium.

Not to mention you're the reason Broxton lost his groove and sent the game into extra innings.

Bambi II: Revenge of the Hoof

Deer kicks 4-year-old girl in face at Mass. zoo

Officials say a startled deer jumped and kicked a 4-year-old girl in the face at Southwick's Zoo in central Massachusetts.

Mendon Deputy Fire Chief Mark Poirier said Monday that the girl had a bruise on her right cheek. She was taken to Milton hospital for evaluation and was listed in stable condition.

The Telegram & Gazette reports that a group of children were walking through the zoo's 35-acre deer forest when a boy jumped and scared a European Fallow deer.

Zoo President Justine Brewer says the startled deer leaped and its hoof hit the girl in the face.

Brewer says the deer exhibit has been open for more than 15 years without any problems. Southwick's Zoo is one of the largest in New England.

---

This year I've witnessed a Dodger hit for the cycle, ran into Phil Lamaar as he was walking into 7-11, and now I've read the greatest story ever reported by the AP.

I'm sorry but come on.

I Sent A Text Message To Ron Artest And Will Never Get A Reply

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's good- what's good? Holla at ya boy. Find out what's poppin'. What's good? What's good? What's good?

I'll tell you what's good. Ron Artest opened up a fan line phone number and I just sent him a text message (video). While I await my reply from Ron-Ron, you can wish him well at (832) 260-8192.

I'll tell you what else is good. Fast forward about 5 minutes into the video and you'll hear Ron ask the person calling "What's poppin'" as they proceed to hang up. If you're going to call Ron Artest you can't be afraid to talk to him and answer the tough questions.

I also like that he has everything set up to eat that bagel. Knife, plate, what appears to either be jam or cream cheese.

Thanks to Steve Mason for the heads up.

Dodgers Channel Gas-House Gorillas

Dodgers had nineteen hits tonight and destroyed the Atlanta Braves on ESPN, 9 to 1.

I was reading John Kricfalusi's blog updates (he's the guy behind Ren & Stimpy; passionate about animation's history and innovative techniques) and I came across a post where he disected a few cells and scenes of Disney's 1936 cartoon, Toby Tortoise Returns. He does a great job at showing how each pose lands a message and sets the tone, which I never really thought about. Anyways, I found the video posted above when searching around for other old cartoons that were sports related so whether or not you enjoyed it doesn't really matter. I never knew what a Tea Totaller was until that reference. It's too bad this crappy retro ska band is using Gas-House Gorillas as their name. Be careful when clicking that link since music starts right away and if your volume is above 1 you may get an awful earful.

All of that had little to do with the Dodgers, so here is a picture that will make up for misleading you: