An Evening @ Pink's Hot Dogs

Hollywood, about 10:05pm, Monday night. Clear skies, empty freeways, broken parking meters, all coming together at once. I don't mean to get all Bill Plaschke on everyone, it's just that when you wait less than an hour to order food at Pink's you know it's a good day.

Before Pink's, a quick stop at Amoeba Music was made. Not because I needed anything specific, but when there's time and money it's a good place to spend a few hours. Hot Shots on DVD for $4.99, The Editors first album for $7.99. Money well spent.

Being 5 minutes from Pink's and fairly hungry is a dangerous combination, but I'll get to that. In a line of about 60 people, I'm sandwiched between Asian tourists and a group of men practicing show tunes. Behind the counter there's a problem regarding lunch breaks for the cooks. The manager, old whitey, was asking through a translator who looked to be the head bilingual chef to ask the employee in question to stay on the floor a little longer before leaving for her lunch. Head chef translates the proposition and the cook is obviously displeased, throwing a minor tantrum for all of our entertainment. When you watch a white person get yelled at in Spanish, especially when he is unfamiliar with several spicy profanities, don't look away.

When you've eaten at Pink's before, it can be tough to decide what new things you want to try, and what new things you'd rather not. People were ordering The Martha Stewart, The Ozzie, The Rosie O'Donnell, The Today Show. I noticed nobody was ordering something called America The Beautiful. Pressed for time, I was forced to order this America dog without really seeing what it was. There was only one sign for it, and I didn't pay much attention 10 feet earlier. "Next!" was yelled and I wasn't going to waste anyone's time.

Big mistake.

The America The Beautiful Hot Dog is aptly named. You see, it turns out that for $6.50 you get a 12" Jalapeno Braut, covered in bacon strips, pastrami, lettuce, and tomato. The guys behind me singing show tunes saw this thing hit my plate and replied, "you're going to die if you eat that."

Everyone in line who could see it was trying to help us figure out what made this dog so U.S. of A. Then, of course, it hit me. The guy in front of me with his girlfriend asked "What's so American about it?" and I said it must symbolize our obese, overweight nation. Everyone laughed, except of course me since I was the husky American who had ordered this appropriately named monstrosity. Pink's doesn't even list this thing on their website, even though many of the other special dogs are on there. Maybe that's a bad sign.

One guy offered to help me eat it so I wouldn't have a massive heart attack and spoil everyone's night. I declined the offer and promised those around me that I wouldn't finish it and was just as surprised as they were that this thing existed.

Anyways, I ended up eating about a third of it, wrapped up the rest, and will be mailing it to a third world country to help put an end to starvation.

If you don't want to look like Bill Plaschke, do not order America The Beautiful at Pink's.