Turning 29 But Looking 23

Turning 29 is a lot scarier than hitting 30, starting today my entire year is a race to do all the things I said I would do before I hit the milestone. Thankfully having kids or being married was not on that list. To be honest I can't remember everything that was on that list, either mad cow disease or early senile is kicking in. I'm pretty sure either Karate or swimming were on that list, we'll see. A year ago, I wrote one of these blogs with a small hope that I'd meet my final reward at same the age Heath Ledger and Brandon Lee tragically died.

Today it's a different story, life seems like a challenge worth doing again. It's amazing how much you can get done when you don't hate your life. However if my number does come up within the next 365 days, I'll only be joining one famous person to die at the age of 29. That person being legendary pioneer and founder of real country music Hank Williams. No, not the guy who asked us if we were ready for some football? This Hank Williams was the creator of legendary songs like " Your Cheatin Heart" and "Jambalaya". So let's all wish Paris Hilton a happy 30th birthday and eat some alligator in honor of the guy who didn't sing about the football commentary skill of Al Michaels and Frank Gifford.

- David N.

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[Editor's Note: Happy Birthay, David! May your disillusioned thoughts about how young you look carry you into next year.]

Vote for Abraham by George Acevedo

Shameless plug time. IEC contributor David has asked all of you to vote for his cousin's submission, Abraham, to the Create A Superhero For Stan Lee Foundation. Click here to vote.

Here's the description: Abraham is the sole survivor of an alien race comparable to humans. Mechanical body has replaced most of the tissue that was damaged due to disease. Has the power of psycho kinesis and telepathy. He cannot speak nor hear. His chest emblem originates from a West African Adinkra symbol, Siamese crocodiles, which stands for democracy and unity.

And, because this post is comic book related, here is the 'Reception' portion listed on Wikipedia for the movie Steel:

Reception

Steel was received negatively by American critics on its original release. The film ranking website Rotten Tomatoes reported that 13% of critics had given the film positive reviews, based upon a sample of 23.^[2] Leonard Kladly of Variety wrote that the film is "too broad and episodic to attract anything other than the most undemanding crowd".^[8] Peter Stack of the San Francisco Chronicle described it as a "tolerable stinker of a film" that "plays like a Saturday morning cartoon".^[9] Lawrence Van Gelder of The New York Times stated that the film is "slow to gather momentum and generates little excitement or tension".^[10]

Despite negative reception of the film, critics praised Annabeth Gish in the role of the wheelchair-using Susan Sparks. The New York Times called Gish's role a "strong performance".^[10] The San Francisco Chronicle noted that she "becomes the first woman-in-wheelchair action hero in a Hollywood movie, too. Gotta give Steel some credit for that."

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Goodnight everyone!

Unemployment Fun Zone: The Return (Double Whammy Edition)

Much like a movie you didn't want a sequel to, I'm back. For the three people that wondered what happened to my column, let's just say my editor doesn't expect much from me.

Where have I been? When I wasn't at the drawing board doing cards and portfolio sketches, I was scouring the globe of course for the best food trucks around and running into fellow IEC contributor Abel L. I fully expect a new post from him about the Frysmith and The Grilled Cheese Truck, no doubt he's coming up with new synonyms for the word delicious; perhaps something like scrulumptious.

Don't think for one second I've abandoned my search for all things free and cheap in fact, this Tuesday I'll bring you a review of Liam Neeson's Unknown. This April we'll be bringing you UFZ: Anahiem comic con Volunteer Edition where I see how many professional artist give me art to sell on Ebay.

For now in honor of my birthday in four days, I'll be giving you tips on who still let's you eat like a king on your special day. Tonight I took a trip to the mecca of the 605 freeway, the Cerritos mall so I could dine at the Red Robin. If you've never had Red Robin, you either are dating the wrong person or you live in a city where good taste is forbidden. If you sign up for their free Red Royal rewards club you get a free burger on your birthday. You might be saying to yourself, " I still have to pay for fries and a drink though!" That is only a half truth my friend, tonight yours truly walked in, sat at the bar, gave the bartender my printed email; then like magic a bacon burger with unlimited steak fries was laid before me. After $2.62 cents for my root beer, my full meal was devoured and there was no room for anymore. I'm giving this deal a 5 out of 5.

Other free things you can still get within the two weeks that encompass your birthday include, Fuddruckers free burger, $10 towards food at Roadhouse (no purchase necessary), and Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. Check their respective websites for all the details.

Now for the double whammy! Like a black video game salesperson's wet dream, I made $80 dollars today playing an unreleased video game for 2 hrs and stating all the things I hated about it. When I first answered this ad, I was skeptical of being raped or having to give up my credit card. Turned out to be a legitimate marketing company hired to conduct this kind for research. This beats jury duty hands down for the simple reason that even if you aren't selected for a panel you still get $50 just for showing up and your on your way home. In jury duty the judge just calls you racist, gives you a lecture one why you should want to be part of jury duty and sends you back to the waiting room. Because I signed a non disclosure agreement, I can not talk too much detail, but I will say it was an exclusive for a game system that has a blu-ray player built in and the name of the game rhymes with Fisted Yental. What am I going to do with my 80 bucks? Yep you guessed it, lottery tickets.

We'll be back in 4 days for my " 29, I think I'm turning 29, I really think so" blog. In 30 days we'll be back with last minute tax tips, including how I got $4,250.00 back and so can you. Plus coming soon for any birthdays after may, IEC will be hosting my "you name it, I draw it" blog where one person will get an actual Image comics bristol board sketch by me, of the most off the wall thing they can think of.

As always it's been your pleasure (or total waste of time),

David

Ebay Is Addictive, The Superbowl, And Gambling

Happy post-Superbowl, everyone. Hope you all had enough time to digest that mountain of quepapas and Bud Light. With just 5 posts it's safe to say that January was a slow month for IEC so I'm pointing blame in the following directions:

1. David went back to school (I think?), remembered how to smile, and has been drawing up a storm according to all 1,3o4,244 of his Facebook updates.
2. Abel is closely monitoring the Lakers and pulling for an Artest/Ariza trade.
3. Daniel's empty promises continue to remain just that.
4. Yours truly celebrated a birthday, drank a boot of beer at a surprise party, served jury duty, sold a ton of shit on ebay, passed Dead Money on Fallout: New Vegas, and worked a billion hours as usual.

Either way, no excuses. Our collective writer's block is over and it's back to business. Or maybe not, who the hell knows.

Back to the Superbowl. Plenty of bad decisions were made on the field but the real mistakes were made in the kitchen. Watching the game gives us all an excuse to gorge once more before winter is over and pretend that words like "calories", "sodium", and "trans fat" don't exist. Shotgunning cupcakes (the act of stuffing an entire iced cupcake in your mouth and attempting to eat it quickly) imbetween eating foods like buffalo wing flavored Ruffles, turkey chili, subway 6" sandwhiches, and chicken wings is not recommended at any other time of the year. With Pepto Misol in hand, I finished off what was left in the bottle and prayed those nachos I tacked on for desert at 12:14am Monday morning would stay down.

I didn't get to watch the Superbowl last year and pig out, but the year prior I was in Las Vegas gambling away my tax return and going all in with a pair of 9s. I didn't lose a crazy amount of money, but since then I haven't gambled heavily. Last March I was in Vegas for St. Patrick's day and won $500 from a slot machine, the most I've ever won since visiting there. But playing a few hands of poker or taking a shot at the slots just doesn't match up to the fun of betting on sports, especially baseball. I'm already a fan of the game, but when you start trying to pick five winners for the same ticket for some crazy amount of money it's that much more fun. Why else would you be interested in the pitching match-up for the Pirates-Brewers game? I've been good, though. I've stayed away from old habits despite the fact that the advent of the smart phone is making matters worse. All this access to live scores and highlights wherever I go makes it easier to watch the results for instant jubilation (or humiliation).

Luckily there is eBay. It was fun watching all these auctions end while trying to find out how much someone will spend on a three-year old electric guitar (Note: It costs $90 to ship a guitar to Virginia. Not $50. Ninety fucking dollars via FedEx). Everything sold, from old video games to a GPS that became obsolete courtesy of my Droid Incredible. Throwing your old junk on eBay is a fun gamble since you never know how desperate someone is and you keep waiting to see if you might get back what you originally paid for it. There are tons of bargains too, like this Todd Marinovich signed 1992 Upper Deck All Rookie Team football card for just $12: (http://cgi.ebay.com/TODD-MARINOVICH-1992-UPPER-DECK-SIGNED-AUTO-31-RAIDERS-/130360654625?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item1e5a19bb21).

eBay is a decent enough gambling-like substitute that I can live with right now so wish me luck and I'll see you all next time.

- Mike O.

I Can Feel It Blogging In The Air Tonight

First off I'd like to say that I hope that the tens of thousands of readers out there are having a great start to the year. I'm kind of hoping that the care meter breaks 10k before the start of another exciting season of Dodger baseball, fuck you McCourts! Anyways, This week I'd like to discuss a topic that is near and dear to my heart, the thorn in my ass that is the window shopper.

I don't have any problems with window shoppers, the problem I have is with the imbeciles who know full well that they're not going to buy anything but yet feel compelled to signal you over from about 50 feet away in order to explain to them the in's and out's of 3D television. 9 times out of 10 these morons own a 26 inch dynex/insignia/coby/vizio tv and watch it on basic cable, why the fuck do you need to know everything about a tv that costs over 2 grand? The only worse than the fact that you're wasting my time is the stupid look on the customers face when you explain something to them, its as if you're explaining advanced Chinese calculus.

Also on my list of people who chap my ass are the customers who feel the need to have everything price checked for them, especially the ones that want you to give them the price with tax. Are you kidding me? Look here you fucking mook, if you really need to know the price of something after tax, 1, you really should be spending your welfare check on something more useful like electricity and 2, I don't know how the 500 dollar price tag doesn't scare you away, yet somehow the 47 dollars in taxes make or break the deal. So the next time someone wearing pajama pants and is holding a kid that smells like its diaper hasn't been changed in about three days asks you for a price check, you tell them to go eat a dick.

Last but certainly not least on my list aren't window shoppers, no, I've got a bone to pick with the people who let their kids run around the god damn store like its some kind of day care center. Keep those things on a leash if you're not going to watch over them. I'm tired of your idiot kids running around the supermarket like they're on fire getting their booger covered hands on shit that isn't on the WIC list. There should also be some kind of policy at Toys R Us that doesn't allow you into the store with children if you're not going to buy them anything. I completely understand that it's not the kids fault for wanting all kinds of things there, hell I go in there now and I cant help but want to go home with half the store. But the next time I'm looking at a lego star wars set and someone let's their idiot kid ride around the store on a bike, the next lap is gonna be your little Lance Armstrong's last because I'm going to clothesline them off that fucking huffy.

I'd also like to give a special thanks out there to all the people who complain about displays not working. If the shit's not working, just deal with it, you know you're not buying it anyway. Stop busting my dick over a SLR camera not working when you're going to be at Chuck E Cheese taking pictures with your metro pcs phone, you fucking dunce.

Speaking of Chuck E Cheese, stop letting your kid go off and join someone else's birthday party. I'm tired of seeing lil Tyrone trying to get cake and tokens from the Nguyen's.

That's all for this week, see you at yogurtland, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

Jury Duty @ the Compton Courthouse: Justice For Y'all

For the second time since turning eighteen I received a jury summons. Clearly I either need to stop voting or join in with the rest of you who just throw away the letter and move on.

The good news is that I received a full eight hours worth of pay from work and I didn't have to deal with anybody asking me the difference between LCD, LED, and Plasma. Add to this the fact that I again made it all the way to the jury panel only to be kicked off for answering questions as truthfully as possible. It seems as though everyone who answered the judge's question of "Have you, your family, or any close friends ever had any negative experiences with a police officer?" were rightfully removed from the jury even after answering "No." to the judge's follow up question of "Will that negative experience impact a judgment you'll have to make in this case?".

By the second day I was already in "Ah, fuck it. Why not?" mode and was beginning to look forward to getting paid to serve on a jury. I'd already invested so much time already and plus they were giving us 90 minute lunch breaks which allowed me ample time to walk to the Popeye's right across the street on Compton Blvd (I recommend the spicy chicken strips, biscuit, Cajun fries, and most importantly the freshly brewed sweet tea). Not to mention the Compton Superior Court House is also incredibly easy to maneuver around and the bathrooms and cafeteria were five-star. Signs of where to go are posted everywhere and the parking situation is a breeze. The place is dummy proof.

The most frustrating part of all this is that I prepared myself for the excitement of getting all judicial with it only to be excused for no legitimate reason that I can think of.

Really? You're going to keep me there for two days, select me to the jury panel, ensure that I can be unbiased and then release me? It's no wonder that it took two days for them to form what they call an acceptable jury panel. The questioning and re-questioning of your answers simply takes too much time and everybody has something to say. Truthfully, the odds of someone living in Los Angeles and not having a bad experience with a cop are relatively low. Almost as low as the chance that anyone reading this blog has ever seen 1995's Jury Duty. Even if you didn't make a big deal about the negative experience (traffic ticket, incidental macing, profiling, accidental beating, etc;) it seemed that you weren't fit to judge police officers who were going to testify against a defendant.

Despite that nonsense there were some great moments to be had.

The Compton Superior Court House pulls people from all over Los Angeles including the more densely pale areas of Downey, Norwalk, Torrance, Cerritos, Pico Rivera, and Gardena. While waiting in a crowded elevator with several other potential jurors an overweight black woman tries to enter from the second floor and as she squeezes her portly forearm in my back she yells "ARE THERE ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS ELEVATOR?". Much to my amusement the shorter, fatter black lady that has her buttery elbow stuffed into my right side replies with "Oh Child- I'm here with you. You'll be alright!".

Then of course you have the guys parked outside of the courthouse on North Acacia Ave. that try to sell you bootlegs. No, Dominiq, I would not like to purchase True Grit from your unmarked black van.

Potential jurors provide a lot of entertainment especially when they share stories of no relevance to questions asked or do the opposite of what the judge instructs. For example, you're specifically ordered not to Google or search the internet for the defendant's name or case but on day two a lady explained that she could no longer be impartial because she read about the story in the Press Telegram. When asked "Have you ever been the victim of a crime?" some foreign kid spoke of the time where he wasn't sure if he just lost his wallet or if it was stolen from him. When asked "Do you have close friends or family in law enforcement?" a young woman explained that one of her friend's uncle's cousin's brother's aunt's grandfather was part of the parking lot attendant team at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. It never ends. In addition there will always be jurors who got confused and waited hours in the non-juror line and showed up late to the courtroom only to be stared at and mocked by the judge. That was the icing on the cake.

So, Judge John T. Doyle of Department F on the 10th floor, if you're reading this I have one thing to say: You owe me three days worth of Louisiana chicken strips and a gallon of sweet tea.

- Mike O.

Highway to the Danger Zone

I know what you're thinking and before you begin to get all wet because this is about Kenny Loggins or Top Gun, it's not, settle down. No this is actually about driving on the freeway and the dickheads who don't follow proper driver etiquette. These are things that aren't taught in drivers ed class, but yet have been picked up by most drivers in some way, shape or form.

Now I'm pretty sure most people already know about the left lane of the freeway, not the carpool lane, but the fast lane. Most drivers are well aware that if you want to go about 20 mph's or more over the speed limit this is the lane to do it in. I'm not trying to say it's okay to do about 90 on the freeway, what I'm saying is that it's not alright for someone to do less that 75 in that lane. I don't understand why drivers refuse to change over to the right lane when they see a car about to get in there ass in the rear view mirror. I don't care if your doing 100, if the car behind you is doing 105, get the hell out of the way.

The only thing worse than someone who refuses to change lanes to the right are the drivers who go below the speed limit on the freeway. Seriously what the fuck is that all about? If someone refuses to go over 60 on the highway, then they need take the god damn street because they're obviously not in any hurry. There isn't any need for a beat up astro van to take up valuable space on the 105 when they can simply drive down Imperial and fit right in.

Last but certainly not least are all the god damn drivers who slow down and stare every time an accident occurs. Why in the blue hell are people slowing down for? They need to pass some kind of law that allows drivers to plow into the back of assholes who slow down to stare at shit they can do absolutely nothing about. I really doubt doctors and emt's drive around in 89 sentra's or old datsun trucks with a leaf blower in the back, andale Jose, you're slowing me down.

In closing I'd just like to say keep your hands at 10 and 2, drive defensively and in the words of the great rapper Ludacris "move bitch, get out the way."

- Abel L.

Happy 2011!: Resolution Denied

Just 5 days into the year and I figure what better time to write about things that are already pissing me off. None of these things have gotten to me really, it's just that I cant think of anything to really write about and combining that with the fact that I have the attention span of a squirrel, why not strike while the iron's hot.

The first thing I'd like to give a toast to are bus stop patrons. I know waiting for the bus sucks, actually no I don't, I hate the bus. I remember walking about 5 miles in chuck's in about 95 deg weather every day just because I didn't want to take the bus like common folk back in 99. I'm not here to complain about the bus though, i'm here to shit on all the impatient people waiting for it. Every bus bench with more than 5 people waiting always seems to have one person who stands in the middle of the god damn street looking down the road as if the sight of them is gonna cause the bus driver to step on it and run all the lights. What the hell are these people doing standing in the middle of the street looking at their watch for anyway? The way I see it is you only have 2 options at that point, stand on the curb patiently sipping on an arizona tea or pick up your crap and walk. Something tells me most people rather get hit by the bus rather than walk away from it.

The last thing I'd like to bitch about is candy bar prices. What the hell is going on here? I went to Walgreens like a week ago with a dollar in my pocket looking to pick up a peanut butter twix (the caramel ones can suck my dick) and I cant believe I had to pay for it with my atm card because it was more than a dollar, to make matter worse it wasn't even that king size one with four bars. What is the world coming to when you cant even enjoy the sugary goodness of your favorite candy bar with the change on your pocket (if your favorite candy bar is almond joy or mounds, may you burn in hell) Christ, a bag of skittles now a days costs as much as a double cheese burger at McDonalds.

Thats all I got for now, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

This Is A Test

Just when you thought I couldn't get any more lazy I found an Android application called "Blogaway" that allows me to post articles from my phone. No more opening my laptop, hitting the power button, and waiting for Vista to take three minutes to properly load. This means that now I can post frequently about an even larger amount of trivial things.

I'm not too sure how to work with photos, paragraph separation, font editing, or spell check yet. It's also a hell of a lot harder to type on my phone verses the laptop so this might turn out to be pointless after all. Here's to hoping that this makes it easier for me to upload your e-mailed blogs sooner and that the photo I selected from the SD card in my phone uploads properly.

Testing complete. Goodnight.

Final Hours of 2010

As usual, I got too busy/lazy to complete my Ridiculous New Years Resolutions articles that I promised to have up five days ago. I have some crazy suspicion that nobody was checking daily to see if I'd follow through so I guess everybody wins.

I'm still unsure of where I'll be or what I'll be doing when the clock strikes midnight so here are tonight's odds accompanied above by my favorite Black Keys song from 2010:


1,000,000/1: Playing Yahtzee. Seriously, nobody understands this game. I once got a Showdown: Yahtzee boardgame for Christmas and tried to learn the rules. Are you kidding me? I have to do what with three dice, then take two dice and not do that same thing or I'll lose. What?

1,000/1: Singing Karaoke. I learned my lesson. Not happening.

100/1: Getting Rich. Not sure how this would happen. Maybe as I'm being picked up from a pool of my own vomit I find out that I've had some gold coin lodged in my stomach for a few years and now it has surfaced to bring me fortune.

25/1: Crying. Realizing the fact that I didn't meet my goal of reading at least one book this year or complete an entire excerise/work-out, I break down in the silence of my bathroom.

10/1: I Become Shirtless. This acts as a side bet if the 5/1 odd goes too far (see below).

5/1: I Get Drunk. Somebody shoved a Blue Moon and some Jack Daniels in my face and forced me to be Irish again.

2/1: I'm Sleeping. As the cold drool rolls down my cheek onto the pillow case I don't move a muscle as Picolo Pete's are lit by every neighbor within a two mile radius.

1/1: I'm Hugging. Awwwwwwwwwww <3!


Let it also be known that on the eve of 2010 I conquered the Beef Crunch Burrito with Flamin' Hot Fritos and figured out what the lyrics were to that song everyone sings at midnight.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

- Mike O.

2011: The Future Is Now

Since Michael already did a 2010 year in review, I figure I'd try my hand and fortune telling and predict some of the things we at infinite etc have to look forward to next year. After all, whats the worse than can happen, I'm right? Ha, I couldn't predict the winner of a Harlem globetrotter/Washington general game.

First of we'll start with David I see great things in his future, he'll still be unemployed. The upside to that is because he'll be busy making the rounds on game shows. After coming in second place on "Survivor", David manages to tarnish his image just a bit after getting dragged off of the set of "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" after he gives Jeff Foxworthy the finger and tells the 5th grader to "suck my motherfucking dick, you little bitch." Fortunately the grass really is greener on the other side and MTV decides to give Dave his own show called "I hate little bitch 5th graders, they can suck my motherfucking dick" its a working title.

Mike will finally realize that JC Penney and Kohl's aren't the only stores that sell ties and dress shirts. He will also become big t's(Tony Baugess) right hand man and get promoted to manager, as Michael's reign of install and black tie protection terror begins, his first act as manager will be to hire Danny as home theatre supervisor. Finally I see Michael coming up on some money and opening up a Rum Jungle in Cerritos where he will unfortunately have way too many jello shots and throw up all over the place, but that's after sitting down and stealing a young lady's chair.

Danny will still not have a job, he'll get hired by Michael sometime later that year so it's cool. This blog will still not get a candy bar review from him.

Finally I, Abel, will still work a bestbuy except it'll be under a new gm, Kenji. I'll finally have a new car, unfortunately it'll be broken into and stolen within the first week. I will somehow manage to be hurt at work again and I'll be forced to have the deaf kid drive me to the hospital.

There you have it folks, 2011 in a nutshell for the infinite etc staff. who knows maybe 2012 will finally bring us a review from Danny.

- Abel.

Ridiculious New Year's Resolution #5: Going Vegetarian

Counting down to new years wouldn't be the same unless I explored some of the all time greatest most-likely-to-fail resolutions you could ever imagine. Today, at the ripe hour of 3:41am, I present to you Ridiculous New Years Resolution #5: Quitting meat cold turkey and turning a new leaf as vegetarian.

I've never intentionally tried going a day without eating an animal, it occurs by default. I could be too lazy to cook something or even more lazy to not want to pick up the phone and order pizza. Do you know how many syllables there are in pepperoni or how many times I've had cereal for dinner? A 48 hour diet that consists of Cheez-Its, trail mix, Pringles, and iced tea is not that uncommon and it's nothing that I celebrate as a true test of restraint. It just happens.

If you operate on that kind of level, where being a vegetarian is not a conscious effort you've promised to abide by for moral obligations or otherwise, then I suggest you not make the leap this new years. If it's the end of December and you just watched Supersize Me, Fast Food Nation, and Earthlings with your new Netflix membership slowly wipe away the tears and continue eating those delicious leftovers before you go making foolish promises.

There's an easier approach that most so-called vegetarians live by. Make a simpler resolution like having a better diet or maybe just not eating as much pig's feet as you did before. Most "vegetarians" I know still get by every once in a while and cheat by eating chicken nachos or turkey sandwiches. Start there. Move away from the pig and the cow and work your way up to the feathered and scaled. Don't dive right in, take small bites (yum!).

Stay tuned for the next ridiculous resolutions as we make our way to numero uno.

2010: Year In Review

Fix yourself an Arnold Palmer, reheat those boneless chicken wings, try to dim that swirly looking energy efficient light bulb and prepare to waste the next few minutes for infinite amounts of et cetera courtesy of yours truly as I look back at some memorable items from 2010.

Disappointments and Let Downs:

Biggest IEC Disappointment: In November, IEC contributor Daniel promised us bi-monthly blog entries for his Psychobilly Sweet Tooth feature but we’ve yet to see one official submission. His penance will be a five-hundred word essay on why he finds joy in teasing us all. We feel like the dog who chases that which was never thrown. Please, stop flinching your wrist and throw the ball.

Biggest Personal Disappointment: In the two months leading up to April I was sick at least once a week, throwing up what looked like ground up coffee beans and lemon flavored Gatorade. The attacks were usually brought on by the consumption of spicy foods at very late hours. What felt like shards of glass dipped in Tabasco sauce rolled around inside my body for at least a few weeks until one day at work I threw up blood, turned a lighter shade of Simpsons yellow, and got sent to the emergency room. The fact that it took me so long to get right and also assuming the issue would resolve itself on its own earned me the Gallstone of Shame award (opposite of the Telxon of Freedom award).

Biggest Global or National Disappointment: The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico takes top honors and is self explanatory. For them, the city of New Orleans hadn’t suffered enough. In a distant second are all the millions of people who watched or were involved in the making of Jersey Shore, Grown Ups, American Idol, Tooth Fairy, or Yogi Bear.

Burst of the Worst:

Worst Birthday Present: Getting chainsawed in Gears of War 2 by Veronica.

Worst Food Related Idea: It’s a tie between my decision to eat a green chili pepper at Narai Thai and the time I tried to make chicken tenders in a frying pan and used way too much salt. Leave the cooking to the real chefs at Norm’s.

Worst Experience In A Car: Even though I wasn’t driving I’ll never forget the time someone decided to take flash photography at night while on a busy freeway. In case you hadn’t heard, having a flash go off while you do 80 on the 101 isn’t the best idea. How somebody over the age of 40 thought it was appropriate to go paparazzi on some sky scrapers while in the backseat of a compact car I’ll never know.

Worst City Visited: Unfortunately my line of work calls for the occasional trip out of town. Last year I was sent to Phoenix and this year I had the pleasure of experiencing Orlando. Avoid going here at all costs. We already have Disneyland, Universal Studios, and lots of sunshine. My dad visited the majority of Florida many years ago and what he told me was true: There are millions of bugs everywhere and if you walk outside of an air conditioned room you will immediately begin to sweat. You can’t go anywhere without feeling like you’re trapped inside of a plastic bag. The claims of extreme humidity are completely accurate and you’ll need to shower a minimum of three times a day. Orlando is pointless if you live in Los Angeles.

Achievements and Triumphs:

Biggest IEC Achievement: The return! After a meeting of the minds and some playful arm twisting Infinite Et Cetera regained its place in the blogosphere. It’s good to be back and see the increase in page views. Every time you click refresh an angel gets its wings. Anyways, it wouldn’t have been made possible without the other contributors so thank you all for your help in the rebirth.

Biggest Personal Achievement: I don’t know how long it was supposed to take for me to learn how to use chopsticks, but this year I fucking nailed it. I practiced often and tried to find the right balance especially when picking up sushi pieces. I’ve eaten more Japanese cuisine simply because I’m no longer embarrassed to ask for a fork.

Biggest Global or National Achievement: In August the H1N1 (Swine Flu) pandemic was officially declared over and in October thirty-three miners that were trapped in a Chilean mine were rescued after being stuck for 69 days. But the real achievement is the fact that only 0.0064% of the United States population paid to watch Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in Knight and Day. The film grossed just $20 million dollars opening weekend and at ten dollars a ticket that meant that just two million people out of 311 million saw the movie. Last year I wrote about how disappointed I was to see that Paul Blart: Mall Cop made close to $40 million dollars opening weekend and now, thankfully, America has redeemed itself just a little.

You’re Simply The Best:

Best IEC Related Moment: At David’s going away party everyone was in good spirits, including the man of honor himself as he performed the infamous DX crotch chopping gesture in my direction. Thank you for that memory David.

Best Discovery: Sushi.

Best Rediscovery: Hawaiian BBQ Kettle Chips.

Biggest (Best?) Surprise: I still can’t believe how many hospital bills I received after having gallbladder surgery. I got a bill from the hospital, a bill from the nurses, bills from all the doctors, surgeons, anesthesiologists, consultants, and the entire god damn medical community. I would’ve trashed the hospital room Vegas style had I known I’d be billed over one thousand dollars for three days and two nights. And that’s without ordering any expensive hot dogs, Bud Lights, chicken wings, or pornography.

Best Amusement Park Moment: While walking through the haunted house at Universal Studios I was accompanied by a terrified anonymous person who was clinging to the center of my back as we slowly trotted past actors in make-up who popped out of dark unknown corners. Normally I’d poke fun at the reaction of this person but seeing as how I’m still afraid of spiders and kicked the air while shouting “Oh Shit!” after being surprised in a well lit room I’m going to lay off.

Best Way To Feel Like An Embarrassed Douche/Ass: When I quit excessive drinking in March I assumed that meant my fear of looking a fool was mostly over with. After all, I set the bar high over the past 12 months by throwing up in my girlfriend’s brother-in-law’s rose garden after drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels or by referring to who I assumed to be a female customer as “Sir” at least three times only to be sternly corrected. Instead, my experiences with the XBOX Kinect or Playstation Move are the 2010 winners of this category. Take for example my dancing performance to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. Never have I ever had to choreograph moving my shoulder in towards my knee while seconds later fist-pumping three times in succession followed by an arms-folded lean back motion. Seeing the words “flawless” light up in neon pink on the screen and watching the recap of my horrible dancing moves captured via mini-cam didn’t help me feel any better. I won’t go into detail either about how horrible I was at Playstation Move’s Frisbee golf challenge but you can imagine how great I looked doing it.

Best Vacation Moment: This year I drove the farthest I’d ever driven and made way to Las Vegas for St. Patrick’s Day. While my girlfriend and I were dancing (no I wasn’t) to some Lil’ John song at Club Rok some Archie-looking white guy walked over to us and screamed “Yeahhhh!” as he put his hand on both of us. Even though I ended up winning $500 from a slot machine I still think that random act takes the cake.

That wraps up my recap of 2010. There’s a lot more that happened and deserved an award but I’m on page two of a Word file which means that any more writing would put you all to sleep if it hasn’t already.

- Mike O.

Iron Man is Mr. Peanut

For 94 years the beloved Planters company logo has remained silent. Until now.

Robert Downey Jr. is the first voice of Mr. Peanut and (if it's even possible to even do so in a thiry second commercial) he nails the role perfectly. I've seen the commercial a few times on Hulu but never recognized it was him. I'm loving the new claymation Mr. Peanut and will celebrate this occasion tomorrow when I buy that Planters tropical trail mix for $9 at 7-11. Freeze-dried pineapple and lightly salted dried banana will make this the merriest of Christmassesses.

- Mike O.

December Rain: You Are Not Axl Rose

This is dedicated to everyone who suddenly turns into Shakespeare at the slightest drops of rain.

Stop!

I hate going on facebook, twitter or any sight where people are bombastically putting up useless rain forecast or failed attempts at haiku's about the "storm watch". Thanks to the recent invention of the window, I am able to see the weather conditions as they happen without being in it. I hope Johnny Mountain punches you all in the ovaries for trying to usurp his job. In addition I don't need your status update laying in bed "listening to the rain". What exactly am I suppose to do with this information? Stop talking about how the rain makes you think deeply, remember you were not the person in Gun's and Roses November Rain video. Please understand if the rain is the only thing that can turn you into Hemingway, then chances are you suck at putting your thoughts into words on a regular basis. If you don't understand the last reference then point proven. Listening to your rain gutters clog is not going to fix that, make some soup or turn on a TV. A change in weather is not going to help you redeem yourself from that D- you got in your 3rd grade English book report on Judy Blume's Runaway Ralph. Stop talking about how much you love the rain if your just on your phone and not willing to venture out in it. There are a lot of people that have to go out in this weather and your sudden deep insights won't stop them from skidding across two intersections on MLK or Atlantic. If your going to express yourself do it on a daily basis, not because you decided to pretend to seize the day and curl up in your blankets. Even if it's only to give this post the finger

UFZ: The Green Hornet Strikes

Like the courageous Britt Reid, my personal Kato and I braved the apocalyptic sprinkle outside to watch Seth Rogen's adaptation of The Green Hornet.

For those too lazy to open a new tab and google Green Hornet, it's a tale of disgruntled underachieving bad ass Britt Reid. In a similar manner to DC comics Bruce Wayne, he inherits his fathers empire after a suspicious family murder. In an attempt to prove he's not a waste of skill he becomes the crime fighter known as (over exaggerated voice here) Greeeeen Horrrnet. This was not what was thespianized on the screen tonight

After seeing the comic con footage, reading the awesome Kevin Smith version of the story and being disappointed by Carls Jr's chicken tenders needless to say my expectations for this movie were not high by any means. Especially when your tag line is, Written by the team that brought you such dynamic action films as Knocked Up, Superbad, and the FortyYear Old Virgin?

From the beginning I wanted to hate Seth Rogen's portrayal of antagonist Britt Reid. In fact I hated the fat kid that portrayed the young Britt Reid in the movies opening flashback. Let's move on, it's now and Britt is a slacker / playboy who continues to piss his father off. After his fathers death, he's somehow forced to take over the family business. (Let this be a lesson make a will) Around this time we're introduced to his fathers mechanic/ coffee maker Kato. In order to piss off his father even more the two become the comedic crime duo Green Hornet and the nameless sidekick. Insert mob plot that intersects with his fathers death and add a Kato Green hornet fight with conflict resolution. Finish it off with an ingenious plan to take down the mob and ice it with a very entertaining blues brothers like car chase and you have the green hornet in 30 seconds.

The best part of the movie and the star in my opinion, is the Black Beauty itself. A 57 Chrysler that would make anyone feel like a bad ass and makes me want to go to Carl's Jr and buy a large drink so I can win it. I can't do it justice you just have to see it to believe it.

The best way to describe the portrayal of Britt Reid is Seth basically made the guy from Pinapple express into a millionaires son, that's the extent of the character. In a stupid way it's genius, he doesn't stretch himself into another character instead Seth Rogen makes the character into himself because hey, if your old enough to remember the Green Hornet radio show your either dead or a head in a cryogenic freezer. Cameron Diaz is barley worth mentioning, I kept waiting for Edward James Olmos to say Cal culus. The only great performance was Kato who constantly walked the line between broken English Asian and total bad ass. James Franco makes a cameo early on that I hope he was paid more for than Cameron or Edward James got combined.

In the end, this movie doesn't hurt or elevate the comic book hero genre. It's simple to follow plot, over piled on comedy and well choreographed action scenes make it entertaining, that is if you know nothing previous of the characters. It's not a movie that's going to be in any ones top ten it's just going to entertain you for a little over 90 min. ( Not don't be fooled by 3D, it doesn't make a difference here)

Unemployment FUN Zone factor 3 out of 5 ( movie free, 2 bucks parking, 10 dollar cooks torta)

This movie 3 out of 5.

Fear of hydroplaning on the freeway 1 out of 5.

If your looking for a campy movie to take a date to see this. If you want the definitive Green Hornet story go read Kevin Smith's comic book version which still contains plenty of dick jokes.

- David N.

Operation LA Storm Watch 2010: The Quest For Sane Journalists

Contrary to what you've seen on KCAL, we're all going to survive these droplets of water from the heavens. The same things that normally happen in Los Angeles when it rains are going on as we speak and I survived all of them earlier today:

• I hydroplaned on the following freeways: 605, 105, 710, and 91. I especially lost control on the 91 West to 710 North on ramp but thanks to the crazy idea of two-handed steering I was able to contain the beast that is a 2007 Toyota Corolla Sport.
• The mall parking lots were crowded for some unknown reason (what the hell is going on??!) and pedestrians were rightfully soaked when standing idly by the curb.
• After wiping all the dust off my defroster button it turns out that it still works.
• Blinking red street lights allowed the cars at the intersection of Imperial and Garfield to perform the choreographed dance known as alternating.
  
• Some giant white truck waiting for my parking spot in front of Forever 21 had to hold on for an extra five minutes as I stalled for no apparent reason in the spirit of Christmas.
• Lines everywhere. I waited patiently as cashiers frazzled by business checks and Canadian quarters were trying to contain their tears.

Traffic and rain, rain and traffic. This happens maybe ten days out of the year so don't take Dallas Raines' forecast for the apocalypse too serious.

Top 10 Last Minute Gift Ideas

I know it's been a while since I last posted, I'm sure the tens of thousands of you who read this blog probably lost sleep at night wondering whats going on? Well it was a combination of things really, and before the rumors begin to circulate about me wrapping myself in red and green shrink wrap and and trying to hang myself with the big joe safety harness, that's simply not true. The odds of best buy safety equipment actually working properly and preventing injury rather than cause it are astronomical. The reason the Cliff Lee of product process hasn't contributed to this blog is because your boy had the flu and to make matters worse, after getting over it, my computer decided to take a shit. R.I.P 933Mhz, 128Mb memory compaq presario, these past nine years have been great, you will be missed.

With Jesus' birthday being less than 10 days away, if you're anything like me, the thought of shopping hasn't even crossed your mind. In fact I've actually done my shopping on the 24th on 2 different occasions. Which leads my to the thought of who better than to write about great last minute gifts than yours truly. these items are in no particular order, but here we go.

-Crappy video game out of the 19.99 and under bestbuy dumpbin.
nothing helps spread more holiday cheer than giving someone a gem like deadliest catch for the xbox 360 or cooking mama world tour for the wii.

-Criss Angel magic set.
The real trick is not becoming a big douche like that guy.

-Shake weight.
It's like cranking one out, minus the satisfaction. Don't judge me!

-Gift card.
What better way then to show the holiday spirit then by picking up a gift card at Ralph's while buying yams.

-Snuggie.
A blanket with sleeves, need I say more.

-Wildly colored sweater from Macy's.
Why go with a orange or electric blue cardigan you say? Because all the normal colors are sold out by now.

-Socks.
Who doesn't want the self confidence that comes with having socks that are matching and lacking holes.

-Anything from the Bristol farms kiosk at the mall.
Hooray for sausage!

-Hot topic t-shirts.
Who wouldn't want to be the guy at the bar with the tony the tiger t-shirt, that's so rad.

-Crappy cd/dvd out of the bargain bin.
Imagine the look of joy as your secret Santa unwraps the Ray Parker jr ghostbusters cd, or that cinematic gem "glitter"

There you have it folks, I just simplified your last minute shopping experience, your welcome. Time to unwrap some tamales, happy Kwanzaa.

- Abel.

Unemployment Fun Zone: Early Tron Review

Twenty years ago a movie was released that changed.........absolutely nothing. The original Tron was boring to anyone who ever had sex with a girl.

Today I got to see the sequel Tron Legacy and I got the same feeling all over again. After seeing the previews and taking part in the marketing games, I had hopes for this new tron movie to out do it's predecessor by leaps and bounds. On some levels it accomplishes this, the look of the world of tron alone is a win. However this movie really did not make great use of 3D effects, simply changing the angles on the light cycles or better cameras on the disc games would have been a hundred times more immerse than the bland "commin at cha vision" that plagued it's effects. The one redeeming thing about the movie was it's music. Former KROQ DJ Jason Bentley and Daft Punk do an amazing score that stays true to the feel from start to finish. In fact the best part of the movie is watching Daft Punk at the end of the line club. One major bright spot Olivia Wilde is awesome and the only actress in Hollywood that I think is Hot!

I won't spoil much but the story lacks any kind of emotional tie, I just don't ever believe that Kevin and Sam are happy to see each other. Too many plot holes especially when it comes to the character of Tron. The end of the movie is too predictable and for a movie that's suppose to spawn more sequels it's leaves nothing for any of the protagonist to build on. Come on Disney, there was no need for a pirates 2 or 3, a third mighty ducks, or a second tron.

Want to see better movies watch The Dark Knight and Inception again. Tron doesn't need your money, it will be number one this weekend no matter what. I saw this movie for free tonight and I still want my money back and not to mention the six hours of my life overhearing fat nerd girls and gay computer dweebs talk about their favorite family guy moments and how they would write a tron themed episode of Futurama. This was the only point in my life I envied the deaf.

Movie itself 2 out of 5.

Pre screening Fun zone factor 1 out of 5.

- David N.

---

[Editor's Note: I honestly can't wait to see Tron: Legacy. Obviously I'll have to judge for myself and be held to an "I told you so" if things go sour, but those neon jumpsuits are too much to pass up. I don't plan on seeing it in 3D although that might change considering everything I've read about the plot. Add to this that I've never seen the original Tron. The first I heard of it was via The Simpsons Halloween special years ago. Let the onscreen laser tagging begin!]

Unemployment Fun Zone : Come on Down!

The place: Television City Ca at the Bob Barker Studio

The when: Yesterday (Editor's Note: David means Monday December 6th and not Friday the 10th but I've been busy so eat it. David also refused to include a picture so I picked one out that we'd all enjoy.)

One of the things I've always wanted to do was be on a game show. In my kick about living life, it occurred to me, if not now, when? The experience was what I expected to get out of it, but there were so many details the TV fools people on. First the studio is no bigger than an average AMC theater and Drew Carey is thinner than me in person. As far a replacing Bob barker goes, he is an uncanny choice. When the cameras aren't rolling, he spent every spare moment getting to know his audience, even going as far as to compliment me on my "Austin Powers like crushed velvet blazer". I made a fool of my self for mediocre prizes that could easily fit in the trunk of my car, with the hope that I'll hear the phrase " a new car" or boat.

One poor people use for price is right that I stumbled across was, how great a scenario it is for a first date with someone. Crazy right? Hear me out, you spend a good two hours before the show talking to your date getting to know her. This is because that's how long it takes the show to process and interview the audience. You don't have to buy her dinner because there's no food allowed past the first gate. In this time you realize if there's a connection or if this is a one time thing. The date also includes a free 90 minute show, this consist of the actual taping, it is a lot of fun just watching this whole production and everyone should do it at least once. If by chance your called, you have a personal cheering section and hey if you win you'll probably score at the end of the date too because, lets face it chicks dig guys who win boats.

There you have it, a memorable date for the cost of fifteen bucks parking. I'd say that's an awesome thing to do for free.

Did I win you might be asking? Guess you'll all find out a month and a half from now when my episode airs.

- David N.

Fallout New Vegas: 30 Hours Deep

A mere thirty hours spent on Fallout: New Vegas and here's what I've learned so far:

• Plain and simple, I'm addicted. Almost 100 hours have been dedicated to the series (past and present) and I can't get enough of it.
  
• It took me long enough, but I figured out how to modify weapons and do other cool things I was too stupid to figure out in Fallout 3. Laser Rifles with Tri-Beam modifications = :)
• Bugs and glitches suck, but a patch is being released once more so I can stop watching Radscorpions get stuck in quick sand.
• Recruiting three prostitutes for a motel sounds normal enough but two of the three are a sex robot named F.I.S.T.O. and zombie-ghoul looking cowgirl.
  
• I've found myself fast forwarding dialogue because I'm so anxious to get started on a quest. Not good.
  
• An old lady killed one of her own dogs so that I could replace an Elvis impersonator's dog with its brain.
  
• I never thought it was possible to kill giant bugs with spiked brass knuckles. I'll need some in real life now.
• Without going into detail, the dreams and nightmares involving characters, scenes, and enemies from Fallout continue to this day. Make the Mirelurks stop.
  
• Until recently I had no idea so many other people at work enjoyed the game as much as I do. Felt good to talk about what level I'm at in the game and discuss the best way to take out Cazadores and Deathclaws.

Bring on the future!

Coping With Christmas - Volume 1: The Music

The sculpture above is called Sound Wave by Korean artist Jean Shin. He melted a ton of 78rpm vinyl records to create the wave and it looks amazing.

If I had my way I'd throw every original Christmas recording into a burning fire and melt them just the same. I get two days away from work to spend running the usual errands (getting food from the store, taking clothes to the dry cleaners if I could wake up early enough, harassing the Wetzel Pretzel employees at the mall for free samples, etc;) and because it's December I'm treated to those same old recordings of the holidays.

I hate the majority of Christmas music. All the classics are annoying, sappy, and nauseously repeated by every department store. There's a lot of good that's come from Christmas, including my 1989 Ninja Turtles Christmas tree ornament or Will Vinton's Claymation special (Which I now have to watch on mute) that I still get to have nightmares about. But Jingle Bells, The Little Drummer Boy, Angels We Have Heard on High, Joy To The World, The First Noel, Deck The Halls, and the like are all terrible things to deal with for the next 25 days. As if the classics aren't bad enough you also get to hear holiday originals like Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" or Faith Hill's "Where Are You, Christmas?". I'll tell you where Christmas is: it's beaten and bloodied inside of a body bag if I have to hear Hark! The Herald Angels Sing one more time at work.

I'm asking for everyone's help in making an anti-overly-played-Christmas song playlist to help me cope. The song could actually be about Christmas in a positive way, just so long as it's not one we've all heard a million times already. Sarcastic, heavy handed, subversive, truthfully sad; I'll take it. Here's what I have so far:

• Augie Rios - Donde Esta Santa Claus: I'll listen to this at least once a year. It's from 1958 and this kid's accent is hilarious.
• The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight): Entertaining video, love the ending.
• Fear - Fuck Christmas: An obvious choice.
• Ren & Stimpy - I Hate Christmas!: Just found this one and I'm loving the rhyming of listless with Christmas.
• Snoop Dogg & Tha Dogg Pound - Santa Claus Is Coming Straight to the Ghetto: Snoop Dogg in a black santa hat driving a low rider. That's what this season is all about.
• Eazy-E - Merry Muthafuckin' Christmas: Vulgar, but honestly what else would you expect?

Offer up any of your suggestions in the comments section and help me ride out the worst holiday time of the year.

[Spoiler: Please don't suggest the Ding! Fries Are Done video. If I hear it once I'll have to play it in succession five times. Maybe more.]

Mauritius, Home of the Dodo Bird

While visiting the mall for some new work clothes (JCPenny wasn't having their usual Van Heusen shirt extravaganza) I came across this shirt inside of a Kohl's and it made me think: What the hell is Mauritius and is it possible they are running out of sewing machines and small children in China and Taiwan?

Turns out Mauritius is a small island on the southeast coast of Africa and is known for being the only home to the dodo bird and for their mass production of rum as well as poorly designed shirts for APT.9. Sir Anerood Jugnauth is the president, the local climate is tropical, and Port Louis is the republic's capitol. Basically, we could live without this place.

Here's to hoping those awful APT.9 shirts find the same fate as the dodo bird.

[Spoiler: I did find three solid colored shirts for work so get ready for Dark Burgandy, Light Blue, and Irish Creme.]

Black Friday: The Aftermath

It has been five days and a few hours since my last blog and these are my sins.

All confessional joking aside, I survived a sixth Black Friday. It was not easy. They never are. By far the worst part about Black Friday in retail is in the preparation and the stress of not knowing what to expect. For example, last year we prepared at the very last minute, got the tickets in a rush, threw all the specials on the floor and just hoped for the best. The outcome was overwhelming and our location did well more than we expected. This year, with all the years of experience, added time for preparation, and increased labor expense the dollars just weren't there. I'd like to thank the city of Cerritos for giving me the pleasure of having Westinghouse and Coby brand TVs in my overstock to try and sell through now (Fuck!).

For the past two years the hottest items on Black Friday were actually offered at some other point during the year, except now they're magnified by the hype. Take for example the Samsung TV and BluRay bundle for $999.99. There were loads better deals than this throughout 2010 but I guess nobody got their Sunday Press Telegram those weeks. We couldn't sell enough of these bundle deals. Everything was bundled. We sold bundles that had bundles attached to more bundles. Products will never be sold alone ever again on Black Friday. I wish PizzaHut would bundle in some quepapas, wings, and breadsticks on all of my future orders.

My ten hour shift was exhausting, not that I'm complaining. The day flew by and I consumed at least three regular Coca-Colas, one Sprite, one Vitamin water, and an unspecified amount of Domino's Pizza (that new seasoned crust is delicious, by the way). The day seemed like one big blur of people and shopping carts.

In the end, nobody was trampled, no cars were stolen, and no customers shouted like animals. Maybe my assessment is unfair since I didn't actually open like I did last year, but for the most part everyone behaved and got their cheap ass crap peacefully and orderly.