A Letter to Sony

Dear Sony,

I'd like to thank who ever it was that fell asleep at the wheel in your security department. Your lapse has allowed my irrational fears of identity theft to be materialized. Seventy-seven million people have PlayStation Network accounts linked to a credit card and we're all looking forward to the day when we see unapproved purchases from some of our favorite stores. Hi Capital One, I'm calling to dispute the $300 in Visa Pay-As-You-Go cards that were purchased from a 7-11 in Topeka, Kansas. Thanks to you we're all second guessing that $5.99 purchase of Resident Evil 2. And what a joy it was to spend 45 minutes changing the passwords to all of my online accounts. Most people can't remember what they had for dinner yesterday and now I'm supposed to memorize the answers to all of my new security questions. In what city was I born in? Fuck you, Sony.

Respectfully,

- Mike O.

Blog, Blog, Bloggin' On Heaven's Door

First off id like to bid farewell to a great man, Jose Andrade. I first met him at best buy almost six years ago, and I got to know him a bit from his time in appliances and being the sales operator. I really wish I would have gotten to know him better, but his surgeries and treatments kept him away from work a bunch. Probably one of the coolest things about Jose was his great musical taste. It would always put a smile on my face when I'd walk over to the managers bridge and Jose would have his ipod hooked up and be listening to Morrissey, but then after like 10 min he'd call me over to the bridge and Jose would be playing "Rumpshaker" by Wreckx-N-Effect and we'd both laugh. The best part about it was that Jose made it like an everyday thing, One minute it was "suede head" then he would call me over and ask me "what do you know about this?" then he would put on "knockin boots" or "poison" and we would both just sit there laughing.

As Mike stated in his previous blog, Little things like complaints about work, customers, school, gas prices, etc, all are nothing compared to what Jose went through. So the next time you think you have problems, just take a breath and realize that it could be so much worse, life is waaaaaay too short.

Sorry if this post is depressing, I wanted to write about Jose then get to the funny stuff, but I don't know, I want this to be all about him.

In closing I'd like to say that the world is really going to miss him and may he put in a good word for us and save us a seat up there.

-Abel

A Whole Lot of Everything. And Diapers.

No surprises here; losing a loved one is emotionally overwhelming. Writing just a few sentences about it means you have to once again come to terms with their mortality. For some, it's a good way to embrace their memory but as for myself I've never found it therapeutic. In fact, I remember returning to work fairly quickly when my dad passed away some years ago. It was a great distraction and my own way of paying tribute to his work ethic. To me, it meant more to exemplify the man he was since I felt few words would do him justice.

Having lost a great friend recently I'm back to realizing how many things seems so trivial and insignificant in comparison. I also realized how hard it is to stop complaining about the little things because it's human nature.

I was having a conversation with somebody at work. The usual stuff was discussed: making revenue, attaching profitably, supporting growth plans, reading company news, planning vendor trainings, dealing with customer issues. Then all of a sudden I just stopped talking. All these numbers floating through the air felt so trivial. That was the day the news had broke and it just seemed inappropriate to put any ounce of caring into some floating number.

Right now, every little complaint feels so out of place. Traffic, poor cell phone reception, that douche bag writing a check and holding up the line. At some point you have to force yourself to remember that things could be worse.

With that said, this blog wouldn't be in existence if it weren't for a lot of the little things we have problems with. I know and respect the fact that things could be worse, but there has to be some room for a little comic relief in realizing the audacity of our trivial complaints. Which brings me to my main (stupid/irreverent) point: The diaper aisle is a confusing and offensive nightmare.

The Mrs. and I went to Target recently to buy baby clothing for our friend and little did we know how clueless we were. Mistake number one was not knowing that diapers are sized too specifically to be given as a gift, especially if you don't know the weight of the baby involved. If age ain't nothing but a number then why can't Huggies put it on the label? 1 month, 2 month, 3 month, etc;. Instead, I see the number "3" and think it's for three-year olds. Mistake number two was assuming that there was only one kind of diaper. Diapers with better absorbency, diapers with stretchier waistbands and stronger fastening adhesives. I'm literally offended by designer diapers that replicate the look of camouflage or denim. Really? What purpose do they serve if in seconds they go from being a fashion statement to a manure reservoir. It makes no sense. By the way, have you seen diaper prices lately? How the hell do they get away with charging so much for disposable underwear? I'm thinking about buying some Proctor & Gamble stock to get in on this diaper gravy train.

There you have it folks. Stay sane and see you next time.

Nicknamed

As much as I'd like to provide a more specific date or time, I just can't. My memory is more often than not absent of many key details and there are many who can vouch for that. Knowing my limitations, I can tell you that it was at least a few years ago when I attended over ten local wrestling events at The Allen Theater in South Gate, CA. Attendance varied, anywhere from 80 to 150 people got to see a good live show complete with all the drama and trash talking you'd expect. Some of the best matches involved a wrestler by the name of El Gallinero who wore a luchador mask and performed some insane high flying stunts. His introduction music into the ring was some Spanish house music that I had to have. Some time after, I can't remember how I found it or if Daniel sent it to me, but I found the music video for the song on YouTube. The video is bizarre, entertaining, and probably annoying to those (Veronica) who have been forced to hear the song repeatedly. At some point during a work day in what I think was 2008 I played the video for a friend at work. He laughed, shook his head, and a day later gave me the nickname Gallinero. He called me that at work, at his wedding, and even at the baby shower last year where I shared a beer with him so he wouldn't have to suffer through the event alone.

Rest in peace, Jose Andrade. You will always be remembered.

Chipping Away: Tapatio Flavored Doritos and Burger King Onion Rings

Daniel's candy review blog will never happen. In contrast, I'm back with my second review of flavored potato chips that will help you make better decisions when you're starved for salty goodness. Welcome to Chipping Away.

Tapatio Doritos: It was inevitable. Flaming Hot Cheetos have been around since at least 1995 and within the past few years we've seen Queso flavored Ruffles, Queso Jalapeno Ruffles, and Flaming Hot Funyuns and Cheeto Puffs. Tapatio flavored chips are the latest from Frito Lay as they continue their dominance in the spicy snack food market. At first bite the chips are more tangy than spicy, much like Snyder's Buffalo Wing flavored pretzel bites. The bag I got was powdered heavily, each chip more dusted in flavor than the last. At bag's end I was surprised that I wasn't in tears which means if you use Tapatio regularly on eggs, potatatoes, and tacos you don't have to worry about burning your mouth. There are no surprises here, it tastes exactly like you'd imagine. I can't see these getting the family sized bag upgrade, but for the $1 snack size they're definitely worth a try.

Taste Summary: Lots of Tapatio flavor, no big surprises, can be pretty spicy for non Tapatio users, best in small doses.
Odds of Heartburn: 15% for Tapatio users, 40% for non users.
Overall Grade: B+


Burger King Onion Rings: Borderline gross. Don't be tempted by the yellow clearance tag for these things at Rite Aid. The original price of $2.29 gets slashed to $1 with your Wellness Rewards Card but you will feel anything but well after eating them. Avoid at all costs. Burger King promises they taste just as good as the fresh ones. Not true. Instead, you get a bunch of puffed up corn meal that is covered in dried minced onions.

Taste Summary: So much dried minced onion, over salted to the tenth degree.
Odds of These Becoming More Popular Than Funyuns: -135,887%
Overall Grade: C-


'Til next time, stay chippy.

- Mike O.

We Didn't Blog The Fire

[Editor's Note: Albuquerque was great fun and you'll read more about it another time. For now, I'm back from vacation and ready to post something that Abel sent in 12 days ago. Apologies for the delay.]

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This time around I'd like to talk about something kind of important, the Japan earthquake. Now before everyone starts to mutter how they didn't think I could be a bigger piece of shit than I already am, relax, I'm not going to crap on Japan. No, My anger is geared toward the lack of help the seem to be receiving from the world.

Japan has given this world so much over the years, amazing cars, sweet electronics like the gameboy and playstation 3, pokemon, mario bros, godzilla, and those really sweet horror movies that Americans decide to remake and ruin, as well as mouth watering food. Yet as I sit at home type this, four different channels are showing college basketball (go duke) but not one god damn telethon or even some really long commercial for red cross help has been shown. What the fuck America!

I don't see how Haiti, an island that looked like shit and a half to begin with, gets a telethon and millions of dollars raised for them, which I doubt have been put to good use. Meanwhile the most important contribution they've given the world is a third of the fugees. I'm not saying Haiti doesn't deserve the money, all I'm saying is that a country that's given the world so much deserves at least a couple of drums of lead paint to shield themselves from the radiation.

Where are all the god damn, tree huggers now?

I'm used to seeing craploads of them all piled into boat trying to save whales from being put to good use, yet when millions of people need help these dipshits are busy buying hybrids, American apparel scarves and fingerless gloves. Pussies. Perhaps after they're done shopping for organic vegetables they can come up with a plan to help and do something useful for a change.

What's that? Yes as a matter of fact I have done my part and donated money to the red cross. In your face!

Now with that said, me and my tax write off are out.

- Abel L.

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles er... 10,000 Views)

Happy 10,000 views everyone!

Here we are on the eve of St. Patrick's Day celebrating 10,000 views for IEC. It's actually more like 10,175, but who's counting? I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to the success of this blog and it is with great honor I present you with the picture posted above, courtesy of a neighbor on my street that stacked some used couches in Tetris block fashion on his front lawn.

As we approach the thirty day mark since my last update, it feels right to update everyone on what I've been brewing over these past weeks:

Mile long yard sales have got to go. Every first weekend of the month the city of Lynwood, CA allows tenants on Abbott Road to set up Raider tents that house your variable amounts of used items such as faded Kobe Shirts, piles of old baby clothes, ceramic farm animal cookie jars, non-working R/C toy cars, and of course endless amounts of stained cabinets and furniture. I'm not against anyone making a buck or two off of their used Lupillo Rivera albums or slightly stained FUBU gear. I am against the assholes driving in front of me who. stop. to. look. at. every. yard. hoping. to. find. a. bargain. on. old. patio. furniture. Your hazard lights don't make it okay. Park your fucking car and get the hell out of my way. Lynwood, I beg of you, put an end to this immediately.

Work is tiring, but the income is welcomed. This summer marks my sixth year with the same company and I'm surprised as anyone that I'm still working there. Recent changes have allowed me to do my job with more freedom, but the struggling economy combined with ravenous competition make it tougher by the day. I'm thankful the job has given me the money to help my mom keep the house she mortgaged with my father many years ago. It also gave me the opportunity to lease my own car and put every single thing in my own name. Cell phone, satellite TV, insurance, groceries, rent, hospital bills, appliances, repairs. It's all on me. There aren't many people I know who have to give an entire paycheck to keeping an old family house so it feels good.

Yogurtland is definitely better than Pink Berry. I'm not going into detail here, but Abel was 100% right when he made that statement. Double cookies 'n cream ice cream with oreo toppings? Unbeatable.

MLB The Show '11 is challenging to say the least. This review is limited having only played the demo on PS3, but pitching and hitting is a real pain. The new mechanics make it so that you have to use the analog sticks for practically everything. It works great for the fielding, but to pull down to wind up and push up and tilt for the follow through is asking a bit much when you're pitching. It's a welcomed change to hitting "X" for everything, but I can't see anyone playing an entire game the new way.

Vacation starts in 6 days. March 22nd is the start of a twelve day vacation which includes going to Albuquerque, NM for five days, driving Vero to the dentist to get three wisdom teeth pulled, and possibly attending a Dodger game (not opening day). Obviously, I can't wait. There's a Sonic on every block in Albuquerque and we know someone who just got hired there so we have free tots and chili waiting for us. I'm pretty sure that's all there is to do in Albuquerque, but stay tuned for my post-vacation blog.

The older Black Keys albums are just as incredible as the latest. I heard about these guys in December and already have four of their albums. Get Magic Potion and The Rubber Factory. Great music.

That's all for now. I'm off to Target to buy travel sized everything for the upcoming plane ride. 'Til next time.

- Mike O.

UFZ: Tax Edition

So I'm not in jail and as of this morning the government deposited $4,750 into my bank. So up yours anyone who said I'd have to work again by January.

How did I do it? How can you do it and not go to jail?

After reviewing my return and seeing that my student credit for not actually attending in 2010 was 1,250 on top of my standard deduction. In addition there's a little known law that went into effect that anyone can cash in on. I can sell you the secret through my new dvd series ($49.99) or you can get a true professional to do your taxes. No not Morty from H&R block, I'm talking about the shadiest person you can find. A guy that makes you go to his hidden office with two boats parked out in front of it and a columbian drug lord exiting as you pull up. I remember telling my accountant how afraid I was that I would owe the government money and he looked at me and said " I will never let that happen." Now here I am debating on what to spend my money on, perhaps a second lava lamp?

Keep in mind that you have to pay for results, someone who will bend the rules and keep you out of jail is not cheap, but the return on investment is a killing. See you in the Dodgers suite.

Let's Give 'Em Something To Blog About

Hello, hello, sorry for the gap in between posts but I've been busy with work, school and scouring for food trucks across town. I totally recommend the hell's bell's burger from the koji truck by the way, delicious. This time around instead of going into detail about all the shit that's driving me bananas, I'm just going to spit out random shit that's pissing me off, so just take my word for it.

-I wonder what happens first, Clippers make the playoffs or gas hits 5 dollars a gallon.

-Am I one of the only few who prefers holding a book in my hand and turning pages with my fingers rather than pushing buttons on an e-reader?

-Yogurtland > Pinkberry, suck it.

-Cops should be able to pepper spray grown men who wear UGG boots, they should be allowed to shoot them for wearing them with their pants tucked into them.

-Tattoo removal places should do free removals when it comes to getting rid of Japanese words. Not trying to be racist but unless you're Asian or a ninja it looks stupid.

-People need to stop being assholes when it comes to negative reviews on yelp. 99% of them are stupid and useless.

-Millionaire athletes need to stop acting like bitches because they don't feel they're getting paid enough. Try getting a real job working for practically nothing, then see how much you're really worth.

-Fast food places need to stop coming out with a new burger/sandwich/taco/salad every 2 weeks and instead focus on making one meal that's really good.

-Stop complaining about the price of popcorn and soda at the movie theatre, you want to stop the prices from going up, don't buy shit there, ta da!

-I get it discovery channel, Alaska is a tough place to live in.

-Is there anything worse than a shitty donut?

That's all I got for now, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

Turning 29 But Looking 23

Turning 29 is a lot scarier than hitting 30, starting today my entire year is a race to do all the things I said I would do before I hit the milestone. Thankfully having kids or being married was not on that list. To be honest I can't remember everything that was on that list, either mad cow disease or early senile is kicking in. I'm pretty sure either Karate or swimming were on that list, we'll see. A year ago, I wrote one of these blogs with a small hope that I'd meet my final reward at same the age Heath Ledger and Brandon Lee tragically died.

Today it's a different story, life seems like a challenge worth doing again. It's amazing how much you can get done when you don't hate your life. However if my number does come up within the next 365 days, I'll only be joining one famous person to die at the age of 29. That person being legendary pioneer and founder of real country music Hank Williams. No, not the guy who asked us if we were ready for some football? This Hank Williams was the creator of legendary songs like " Your Cheatin Heart" and "Jambalaya". So let's all wish Paris Hilton a happy 30th birthday and eat some alligator in honor of the guy who didn't sing about the football commentary skill of Al Michaels and Frank Gifford.

- David N.

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[Editor's Note: Happy Birthay, David! May your disillusioned thoughts about how young you look carry you into next year.]

Vote for Abraham by George Acevedo

Shameless plug time. IEC contributor David has asked all of you to vote for his cousin's submission, Abraham, to the Create A Superhero For Stan Lee Foundation. Click here to vote.

Here's the description: Abraham is the sole survivor of an alien race comparable to humans. Mechanical body has replaced most of the tissue that was damaged due to disease. Has the power of psycho kinesis and telepathy. He cannot speak nor hear. His chest emblem originates from a West African Adinkra symbol, Siamese crocodiles, which stands for democracy and unity.

And, because this post is comic book related, here is the 'Reception' portion listed on Wikipedia for the movie Steel:

Reception

Steel was received negatively by American critics on its original release. The film ranking website Rotten Tomatoes reported that 13% of critics had given the film positive reviews, based upon a sample of 23.^[2] Leonard Kladly of Variety wrote that the film is "too broad and episodic to attract anything other than the most undemanding crowd".^[8] Peter Stack of the San Francisco Chronicle described it as a "tolerable stinker of a film" that "plays like a Saturday morning cartoon".^[9] Lawrence Van Gelder of The New York Times stated that the film is "slow to gather momentum and generates little excitement or tension".^[10]

Despite negative reception of the film, critics praised Annabeth Gish in the role of the wheelchair-using Susan Sparks. The New York Times called Gish's role a "strong performance".^[10] The San Francisco Chronicle noted that she "becomes the first woman-in-wheelchair action hero in a Hollywood movie, too. Gotta give Steel some credit for that."

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Goodnight everyone!

Unemployment Fun Zone: The Return (Double Whammy Edition)

Much like a movie you didn't want a sequel to, I'm back. For the three people that wondered what happened to my column, let's just say my editor doesn't expect much from me.

Where have I been? When I wasn't at the drawing board doing cards and portfolio sketches, I was scouring the globe of course for the best food trucks around and running into fellow IEC contributor Abel L. I fully expect a new post from him about the Frysmith and The Grilled Cheese Truck, no doubt he's coming up with new synonyms for the word delicious; perhaps something like scrulumptious.

Don't think for one second I've abandoned my search for all things free and cheap in fact, this Tuesday I'll bring you a review of Liam Neeson's Unknown. This April we'll be bringing you UFZ: Anahiem comic con Volunteer Edition where I see how many professional artist give me art to sell on Ebay.

For now in honor of my birthday in four days, I'll be giving you tips on who still let's you eat like a king on your special day. Tonight I took a trip to the mecca of the 605 freeway, the Cerritos mall so I could dine at the Red Robin. If you've never had Red Robin, you either are dating the wrong person or you live in a city where good taste is forbidden. If you sign up for their free Red Royal rewards club you get a free burger on your birthday. You might be saying to yourself, " I still have to pay for fries and a drink though!" That is only a half truth my friend, tonight yours truly walked in, sat at the bar, gave the bartender my printed email; then like magic a bacon burger with unlimited steak fries was laid before me. After $2.62 cents for my root beer, my full meal was devoured and there was no room for anymore. I'm giving this deal a 5 out of 5.

Other free things you can still get within the two weeks that encompass your birthday include, Fuddruckers free burger, $10 towards food at Roadhouse (no purchase necessary), and Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. Check their respective websites for all the details.

Now for the double whammy! Like a black video game salesperson's wet dream, I made $80 dollars today playing an unreleased video game for 2 hrs and stating all the things I hated about it. When I first answered this ad, I was skeptical of being raped or having to give up my credit card. Turned out to be a legitimate marketing company hired to conduct this kind for research. This beats jury duty hands down for the simple reason that even if you aren't selected for a panel you still get $50 just for showing up and your on your way home. In jury duty the judge just calls you racist, gives you a lecture one why you should want to be part of jury duty and sends you back to the waiting room. Because I signed a non disclosure agreement, I can not talk too much detail, but I will say it was an exclusive for a game system that has a blu-ray player built in and the name of the game rhymes with Fisted Yental. What am I going to do with my 80 bucks? Yep you guessed it, lottery tickets.

We'll be back in 4 days for my " 29, I think I'm turning 29, I really think so" blog. In 30 days we'll be back with last minute tax tips, including how I got $4,250.00 back and so can you. Plus coming soon for any birthdays after may, IEC will be hosting my "you name it, I draw it" blog where one person will get an actual Image comics bristol board sketch by me, of the most off the wall thing they can think of.

As always it's been your pleasure (or total waste of time),

David

Ebay Is Addictive, The Superbowl, And Gambling

Happy post-Superbowl, everyone. Hope you all had enough time to digest that mountain of quepapas and Bud Light. With just 5 posts it's safe to say that January was a slow month for IEC so I'm pointing blame in the following directions:

1. David went back to school (I think?), remembered how to smile, and has been drawing up a storm according to all 1,3o4,244 of his Facebook updates.
2. Abel is closely monitoring the Lakers and pulling for an Artest/Ariza trade.
3. Daniel's empty promises continue to remain just that.
4. Yours truly celebrated a birthday, drank a boot of beer at a surprise party, served jury duty, sold a ton of shit on ebay, passed Dead Money on Fallout: New Vegas, and worked a billion hours as usual.

Either way, no excuses. Our collective writer's block is over and it's back to business. Or maybe not, who the hell knows.

Back to the Superbowl. Plenty of bad decisions were made on the field but the real mistakes were made in the kitchen. Watching the game gives us all an excuse to gorge once more before winter is over and pretend that words like "calories", "sodium", and "trans fat" don't exist. Shotgunning cupcakes (the act of stuffing an entire iced cupcake in your mouth and attempting to eat it quickly) imbetween eating foods like buffalo wing flavored Ruffles, turkey chili, subway 6" sandwhiches, and chicken wings is not recommended at any other time of the year. With Pepto Misol in hand, I finished off what was left in the bottle and prayed those nachos I tacked on for desert at 12:14am Monday morning would stay down.

I didn't get to watch the Superbowl last year and pig out, but the year prior I was in Las Vegas gambling away my tax return and going all in with a pair of 9s. I didn't lose a crazy amount of money, but since then I haven't gambled heavily. Last March I was in Vegas for St. Patrick's day and won $500 from a slot machine, the most I've ever won since visiting there. But playing a few hands of poker or taking a shot at the slots just doesn't match up to the fun of betting on sports, especially baseball. I'm already a fan of the game, but when you start trying to pick five winners for the same ticket for some crazy amount of money it's that much more fun. Why else would you be interested in the pitching match-up for the Pirates-Brewers game? I've been good, though. I've stayed away from old habits despite the fact that the advent of the smart phone is making matters worse. All this access to live scores and highlights wherever I go makes it easier to watch the results for instant jubilation (or humiliation).

Luckily there is eBay. It was fun watching all these auctions end while trying to find out how much someone will spend on a three-year old electric guitar (Note: It costs $90 to ship a guitar to Virginia. Not $50. Ninety fucking dollars via FedEx). Everything sold, from old video games to a GPS that became obsolete courtesy of my Droid Incredible. Throwing your old junk on eBay is a fun gamble since you never know how desperate someone is and you keep waiting to see if you might get back what you originally paid for it. There are tons of bargains too, like this Todd Marinovich signed 1992 Upper Deck All Rookie Team football card for just $12: (http://cgi.ebay.com/TODD-MARINOVICH-1992-UPPER-DECK-SIGNED-AUTO-31-RAIDERS-/130360654625?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item1e5a19bb21).

eBay is a decent enough gambling-like substitute that I can live with right now so wish me luck and I'll see you all next time.

- Mike O.

I Can Feel It Blogging In The Air Tonight

First off I'd like to say that I hope that the tens of thousands of readers out there are having a great start to the year. I'm kind of hoping that the care meter breaks 10k before the start of another exciting season of Dodger baseball, fuck you McCourts! Anyways, This week I'd like to discuss a topic that is near and dear to my heart, the thorn in my ass that is the window shopper.

I don't have any problems with window shoppers, the problem I have is with the imbeciles who know full well that they're not going to buy anything but yet feel compelled to signal you over from about 50 feet away in order to explain to them the in's and out's of 3D television. 9 times out of 10 these morons own a 26 inch dynex/insignia/coby/vizio tv and watch it on basic cable, why the fuck do you need to know everything about a tv that costs over 2 grand? The only worse than the fact that you're wasting my time is the stupid look on the customers face when you explain something to them, its as if you're explaining advanced Chinese calculus.

Also on my list of people who chap my ass are the customers who feel the need to have everything price checked for them, especially the ones that want you to give them the price with tax. Are you kidding me? Look here you fucking mook, if you really need to know the price of something after tax, 1, you really should be spending your welfare check on something more useful like electricity and 2, I don't know how the 500 dollar price tag doesn't scare you away, yet somehow the 47 dollars in taxes make or break the deal. So the next time someone wearing pajama pants and is holding a kid that smells like its diaper hasn't been changed in about three days asks you for a price check, you tell them to go eat a dick.

Last but certainly not least on my list aren't window shoppers, no, I've got a bone to pick with the people who let their kids run around the god damn store like its some kind of day care center. Keep those things on a leash if you're not going to watch over them. I'm tired of your idiot kids running around the supermarket like they're on fire getting their booger covered hands on shit that isn't on the WIC list. There should also be some kind of policy at Toys R Us that doesn't allow you into the store with children if you're not going to buy them anything. I completely understand that it's not the kids fault for wanting all kinds of things there, hell I go in there now and I cant help but want to go home with half the store. But the next time I'm looking at a lego star wars set and someone let's their idiot kid ride around the store on a bike, the next lap is gonna be your little Lance Armstrong's last because I'm going to clothesline them off that fucking huffy.

I'd also like to give a special thanks out there to all the people who complain about displays not working. If the shit's not working, just deal with it, you know you're not buying it anyway. Stop busting my dick over a SLR camera not working when you're going to be at Chuck E Cheese taking pictures with your metro pcs phone, you fucking dunce.

Speaking of Chuck E Cheese, stop letting your kid go off and join someone else's birthday party. I'm tired of seeing lil Tyrone trying to get cake and tokens from the Nguyen's.

That's all for this week, see you at yogurtland, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

Jury Duty @ the Compton Courthouse: Justice For Y'all

For the second time since turning eighteen I received a jury summons. Clearly I either need to stop voting or join in with the rest of you who just throw away the letter and move on.

The good news is that I received a full eight hours worth of pay from work and I didn't have to deal with anybody asking me the difference between LCD, LED, and Plasma. Add to this the fact that I again made it all the way to the jury panel only to be kicked off for answering questions as truthfully as possible. It seems as though everyone who answered the judge's question of "Have you, your family, or any close friends ever had any negative experiences with a police officer?" were rightfully removed from the jury even after answering "No." to the judge's follow up question of "Will that negative experience impact a judgment you'll have to make in this case?".

By the second day I was already in "Ah, fuck it. Why not?" mode and was beginning to look forward to getting paid to serve on a jury. I'd already invested so much time already and plus they were giving us 90 minute lunch breaks which allowed me ample time to walk to the Popeye's right across the street on Compton Blvd (I recommend the spicy chicken strips, biscuit, Cajun fries, and most importantly the freshly brewed sweet tea). Not to mention the Compton Superior Court House is also incredibly easy to maneuver around and the bathrooms and cafeteria were five-star. Signs of where to go are posted everywhere and the parking situation is a breeze. The place is dummy proof.

The most frustrating part of all this is that I prepared myself for the excitement of getting all judicial with it only to be excused for no legitimate reason that I can think of.

Really? You're going to keep me there for two days, select me to the jury panel, ensure that I can be unbiased and then release me? It's no wonder that it took two days for them to form what they call an acceptable jury panel. The questioning and re-questioning of your answers simply takes too much time and everybody has something to say. Truthfully, the odds of someone living in Los Angeles and not having a bad experience with a cop are relatively low. Almost as low as the chance that anyone reading this blog has ever seen 1995's Jury Duty. Even if you didn't make a big deal about the negative experience (traffic ticket, incidental macing, profiling, accidental beating, etc;) it seemed that you weren't fit to judge police officers who were going to testify against a defendant.

Despite that nonsense there were some great moments to be had.

The Compton Superior Court House pulls people from all over Los Angeles including the more densely pale areas of Downey, Norwalk, Torrance, Cerritos, Pico Rivera, and Gardena. While waiting in a crowded elevator with several other potential jurors an overweight black woman tries to enter from the second floor and as she squeezes her portly forearm in my back she yells "ARE THERE ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS ELEVATOR?". Much to my amusement the shorter, fatter black lady that has her buttery elbow stuffed into my right side replies with "Oh Child- I'm here with you. You'll be alright!".

Then of course you have the guys parked outside of the courthouse on North Acacia Ave. that try to sell you bootlegs. No, Dominiq, I would not like to purchase True Grit from your unmarked black van.

Potential jurors provide a lot of entertainment especially when they share stories of no relevance to questions asked or do the opposite of what the judge instructs. For example, you're specifically ordered not to Google or search the internet for the defendant's name or case but on day two a lady explained that she could no longer be impartial because she read about the story in the Press Telegram. When asked "Have you ever been the victim of a crime?" some foreign kid spoke of the time where he wasn't sure if he just lost his wallet or if it was stolen from him. When asked "Do you have close friends or family in law enforcement?" a young woman explained that one of her friend's uncle's cousin's brother's aunt's grandfather was part of the parking lot attendant team at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. It never ends. In addition there will always be jurors who got confused and waited hours in the non-juror line and showed up late to the courtroom only to be stared at and mocked by the judge. That was the icing on the cake.

So, Judge John T. Doyle of Department F on the 10th floor, if you're reading this I have one thing to say: You owe me three days worth of Louisiana chicken strips and a gallon of sweet tea.

- Mike O.

Highway to the Danger Zone

I know what you're thinking and before you begin to get all wet because this is about Kenny Loggins or Top Gun, it's not, settle down. No this is actually about driving on the freeway and the dickheads who don't follow proper driver etiquette. These are things that aren't taught in drivers ed class, but yet have been picked up by most drivers in some way, shape or form.

Now I'm pretty sure most people already know about the left lane of the freeway, not the carpool lane, but the fast lane. Most drivers are well aware that if you want to go about 20 mph's or more over the speed limit this is the lane to do it in. I'm not trying to say it's okay to do about 90 on the freeway, what I'm saying is that it's not alright for someone to do less that 75 in that lane. I don't understand why drivers refuse to change over to the right lane when they see a car about to get in there ass in the rear view mirror. I don't care if your doing 100, if the car behind you is doing 105, get the hell out of the way.

The only thing worse than someone who refuses to change lanes to the right are the drivers who go below the speed limit on the freeway. Seriously what the fuck is that all about? If someone refuses to go over 60 on the highway, then they need take the god damn street because they're obviously not in any hurry. There isn't any need for a beat up astro van to take up valuable space on the 105 when they can simply drive down Imperial and fit right in.

Last but certainly not least are all the god damn drivers who slow down and stare every time an accident occurs. Why in the blue hell are people slowing down for? They need to pass some kind of law that allows drivers to plow into the back of assholes who slow down to stare at shit they can do absolutely nothing about. I really doubt doctors and emt's drive around in 89 sentra's or old datsun trucks with a leaf blower in the back, andale Jose, you're slowing me down.

In closing I'd just like to say keep your hands at 10 and 2, drive defensively and in the words of the great rapper Ludacris "move bitch, get out the way."

- Abel L.

Happy 2011!: Resolution Denied

Just 5 days into the year and I figure what better time to write about things that are already pissing me off. None of these things have gotten to me really, it's just that I cant think of anything to really write about and combining that with the fact that I have the attention span of a squirrel, why not strike while the iron's hot.

The first thing I'd like to give a toast to are bus stop patrons. I know waiting for the bus sucks, actually no I don't, I hate the bus. I remember walking about 5 miles in chuck's in about 95 deg weather every day just because I didn't want to take the bus like common folk back in 99. I'm not here to complain about the bus though, i'm here to shit on all the impatient people waiting for it. Every bus bench with more than 5 people waiting always seems to have one person who stands in the middle of the god damn street looking down the road as if the sight of them is gonna cause the bus driver to step on it and run all the lights. What the hell are these people doing standing in the middle of the street looking at their watch for anyway? The way I see it is you only have 2 options at that point, stand on the curb patiently sipping on an arizona tea or pick up your crap and walk. Something tells me most people rather get hit by the bus rather than walk away from it.

The last thing I'd like to bitch about is candy bar prices. What the hell is going on here? I went to Walgreens like a week ago with a dollar in my pocket looking to pick up a peanut butter twix (the caramel ones can suck my dick) and I cant believe I had to pay for it with my atm card because it was more than a dollar, to make matter worse it wasn't even that king size one with four bars. What is the world coming to when you cant even enjoy the sugary goodness of your favorite candy bar with the change on your pocket (if your favorite candy bar is almond joy or mounds, may you burn in hell) Christ, a bag of skittles now a days costs as much as a double cheese burger at McDonalds.

Thats all I got for now, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

This Is A Test

Just when you thought I couldn't get any more lazy I found an Android application called "Blogaway" that allows me to post articles from my phone. No more opening my laptop, hitting the power button, and waiting for Vista to take three minutes to properly load. This means that now I can post frequently about an even larger amount of trivial things.

I'm not too sure how to work with photos, paragraph separation, font editing, or spell check yet. It's also a hell of a lot harder to type on my phone verses the laptop so this might turn out to be pointless after all. Here's to hoping that this makes it easier for me to upload your e-mailed blogs sooner and that the photo I selected from the SD card in my phone uploads properly.

Testing complete. Goodnight.

Final Hours of 2010

As usual, I got too busy/lazy to complete my Ridiculous New Years Resolutions articles that I promised to have up five days ago. I have some crazy suspicion that nobody was checking daily to see if I'd follow through so I guess everybody wins.

I'm still unsure of where I'll be or what I'll be doing when the clock strikes midnight so here are tonight's odds accompanied above by my favorite Black Keys song from 2010:


1,000,000/1: Playing Yahtzee. Seriously, nobody understands this game. I once got a Showdown: Yahtzee boardgame for Christmas and tried to learn the rules. Are you kidding me? I have to do what with three dice, then take two dice and not do that same thing or I'll lose. What?

1,000/1: Singing Karaoke. I learned my lesson. Not happening.

100/1: Getting Rich. Not sure how this would happen. Maybe as I'm being picked up from a pool of my own vomit I find out that I've had some gold coin lodged in my stomach for a few years and now it has surfaced to bring me fortune.

25/1: Crying. Realizing the fact that I didn't meet my goal of reading at least one book this year or complete an entire excerise/work-out, I break down in the silence of my bathroom.

10/1: I Become Shirtless. This acts as a side bet if the 5/1 odd goes too far (see below).

5/1: I Get Drunk. Somebody shoved a Blue Moon and some Jack Daniels in my face and forced me to be Irish again.

2/1: I'm Sleeping. As the cold drool rolls down my cheek onto the pillow case I don't move a muscle as Picolo Pete's are lit by every neighbor within a two mile radius.

1/1: I'm Hugging. Awwwwwwwwwww <3!


Let it also be known that on the eve of 2010 I conquered the Beef Crunch Burrito with Flamin' Hot Fritos and figured out what the lyrics were to that song everyone sings at midnight.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

- Mike O.

2011: The Future Is Now

Since Michael already did a 2010 year in review, I figure I'd try my hand and fortune telling and predict some of the things we at infinite etc have to look forward to next year. After all, whats the worse than can happen, I'm right? Ha, I couldn't predict the winner of a Harlem globetrotter/Washington general game.

First of we'll start with David I see great things in his future, he'll still be unemployed. The upside to that is because he'll be busy making the rounds on game shows. After coming in second place on "Survivor", David manages to tarnish his image just a bit after getting dragged off of the set of "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" after he gives Jeff Foxworthy the finger and tells the 5th grader to "suck my motherfucking dick, you little bitch." Fortunately the grass really is greener on the other side and MTV decides to give Dave his own show called "I hate little bitch 5th graders, they can suck my motherfucking dick" its a working title.

Mike will finally realize that JC Penney and Kohl's aren't the only stores that sell ties and dress shirts. He will also become big t's(Tony Baugess) right hand man and get promoted to manager, as Michael's reign of install and black tie protection terror begins, his first act as manager will be to hire Danny as home theatre supervisor. Finally I see Michael coming up on some money and opening up a Rum Jungle in Cerritos where he will unfortunately have way too many jello shots and throw up all over the place, but that's after sitting down and stealing a young lady's chair.

Danny will still not have a job, he'll get hired by Michael sometime later that year so it's cool. This blog will still not get a candy bar review from him.

Finally I, Abel, will still work a bestbuy except it'll be under a new gm, Kenji. I'll finally have a new car, unfortunately it'll be broken into and stolen within the first week. I will somehow manage to be hurt at work again and I'll be forced to have the deaf kid drive me to the hospital.

There you have it folks, 2011 in a nutshell for the infinite etc staff. who knows maybe 2012 will finally bring us a review from Danny.

- Abel.

Ridiculious New Year's Resolution #5: Going Vegetarian

Counting down to new years wouldn't be the same unless I explored some of the all time greatest most-likely-to-fail resolutions you could ever imagine. Today, at the ripe hour of 3:41am, I present to you Ridiculous New Years Resolution #5: Quitting meat cold turkey and turning a new leaf as vegetarian.

I've never intentionally tried going a day without eating an animal, it occurs by default. I could be too lazy to cook something or even more lazy to not want to pick up the phone and order pizza. Do you know how many syllables there are in pepperoni or how many times I've had cereal for dinner? A 48 hour diet that consists of Cheez-Its, trail mix, Pringles, and iced tea is not that uncommon and it's nothing that I celebrate as a true test of restraint. It just happens.

If you operate on that kind of level, where being a vegetarian is not a conscious effort you've promised to abide by for moral obligations or otherwise, then I suggest you not make the leap this new years. If it's the end of December and you just watched Supersize Me, Fast Food Nation, and Earthlings with your new Netflix membership slowly wipe away the tears and continue eating those delicious leftovers before you go making foolish promises.

There's an easier approach that most so-called vegetarians live by. Make a simpler resolution like having a better diet or maybe just not eating as much pig's feet as you did before. Most "vegetarians" I know still get by every once in a while and cheat by eating chicken nachos or turkey sandwiches. Start there. Move away from the pig and the cow and work your way up to the feathered and scaled. Don't dive right in, take small bites (yum!).

Stay tuned for the next ridiculous resolutions as we make our way to numero uno.

2010: Year In Review

Fix yourself an Arnold Palmer, reheat those boneless chicken wings, try to dim that swirly looking energy efficient light bulb and prepare to waste the next few minutes for infinite amounts of et cetera courtesy of yours truly as I look back at some memorable items from 2010.

Disappointments and Let Downs:

Biggest IEC Disappointment: In November, IEC contributor Daniel promised us bi-monthly blog entries for his Psychobilly Sweet Tooth feature but we’ve yet to see one official submission. His penance will be a five-hundred word essay on why he finds joy in teasing us all. We feel like the dog who chases that which was never thrown. Please, stop flinching your wrist and throw the ball.

Biggest Personal Disappointment: In the two months leading up to April I was sick at least once a week, throwing up what looked like ground up coffee beans and lemon flavored Gatorade. The attacks were usually brought on by the consumption of spicy foods at very late hours. What felt like shards of glass dipped in Tabasco sauce rolled around inside my body for at least a few weeks until one day at work I threw up blood, turned a lighter shade of Simpsons yellow, and got sent to the emergency room. The fact that it took me so long to get right and also assuming the issue would resolve itself on its own earned me the Gallstone of Shame award (opposite of the Telxon of Freedom award).

Biggest Global or National Disappointment: The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico takes top honors and is self explanatory. For them, the city of New Orleans hadn’t suffered enough. In a distant second are all the millions of people who watched or were involved in the making of Jersey Shore, Grown Ups, American Idol, Tooth Fairy, or Yogi Bear.

Burst of the Worst:

Worst Birthday Present: Getting chainsawed in Gears of War 2 by Veronica.

Worst Food Related Idea: It’s a tie between my decision to eat a green chili pepper at Narai Thai and the time I tried to make chicken tenders in a frying pan and used way too much salt. Leave the cooking to the real chefs at Norm’s.

Worst Experience In A Car: Even though I wasn’t driving I’ll never forget the time someone decided to take flash photography at night while on a busy freeway. In case you hadn’t heard, having a flash go off while you do 80 on the 101 isn’t the best idea. How somebody over the age of 40 thought it was appropriate to go paparazzi on some sky scrapers while in the backseat of a compact car I’ll never know.

Worst City Visited: Unfortunately my line of work calls for the occasional trip out of town. Last year I was sent to Phoenix and this year I had the pleasure of experiencing Orlando. Avoid going here at all costs. We already have Disneyland, Universal Studios, and lots of sunshine. My dad visited the majority of Florida many years ago and what he told me was true: There are millions of bugs everywhere and if you walk outside of an air conditioned room you will immediately begin to sweat. You can’t go anywhere without feeling like you’re trapped inside of a plastic bag. The claims of extreme humidity are completely accurate and you’ll need to shower a minimum of three times a day. Orlando is pointless if you live in Los Angeles.

Achievements and Triumphs:

Biggest IEC Achievement: The return! After a meeting of the minds and some playful arm twisting Infinite Et Cetera regained its place in the blogosphere. It’s good to be back and see the increase in page views. Every time you click refresh an angel gets its wings. Anyways, it wouldn’t have been made possible without the other contributors so thank you all for your help in the rebirth.

Biggest Personal Achievement: I don’t know how long it was supposed to take for me to learn how to use chopsticks, but this year I fucking nailed it. I practiced often and tried to find the right balance especially when picking up sushi pieces. I’ve eaten more Japanese cuisine simply because I’m no longer embarrassed to ask for a fork.

Biggest Global or National Achievement: In August the H1N1 (Swine Flu) pandemic was officially declared over and in October thirty-three miners that were trapped in a Chilean mine were rescued after being stuck for 69 days. But the real achievement is the fact that only 0.0064% of the United States population paid to watch Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in Knight and Day. The film grossed just $20 million dollars opening weekend and at ten dollars a ticket that meant that just two million people out of 311 million saw the movie. Last year I wrote about how disappointed I was to see that Paul Blart: Mall Cop made close to $40 million dollars opening weekend and now, thankfully, America has redeemed itself just a little.

You’re Simply The Best:

Best IEC Related Moment: At David’s going away party everyone was in good spirits, including the man of honor himself as he performed the infamous DX crotch chopping gesture in my direction. Thank you for that memory David.

Best Discovery: Sushi.

Best Rediscovery: Hawaiian BBQ Kettle Chips.

Biggest (Best?) Surprise: I still can’t believe how many hospital bills I received after having gallbladder surgery. I got a bill from the hospital, a bill from the nurses, bills from all the doctors, surgeons, anesthesiologists, consultants, and the entire god damn medical community. I would’ve trashed the hospital room Vegas style had I known I’d be billed over one thousand dollars for three days and two nights. And that’s without ordering any expensive hot dogs, Bud Lights, chicken wings, or pornography.

Best Amusement Park Moment: While walking through the haunted house at Universal Studios I was accompanied by a terrified anonymous person who was clinging to the center of my back as we slowly trotted past actors in make-up who popped out of dark unknown corners. Normally I’d poke fun at the reaction of this person but seeing as how I’m still afraid of spiders and kicked the air while shouting “Oh Shit!” after being surprised in a well lit room I’m going to lay off.

Best Way To Feel Like An Embarrassed Douche/Ass: When I quit excessive drinking in March I assumed that meant my fear of looking a fool was mostly over with. After all, I set the bar high over the past 12 months by throwing up in my girlfriend’s brother-in-law’s rose garden after drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels or by referring to who I assumed to be a female customer as “Sir” at least three times only to be sternly corrected. Instead, my experiences with the XBOX Kinect or Playstation Move are the 2010 winners of this category. Take for example my dancing performance to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. Never have I ever had to choreograph moving my shoulder in towards my knee while seconds later fist-pumping three times in succession followed by an arms-folded lean back motion. Seeing the words “flawless” light up in neon pink on the screen and watching the recap of my horrible dancing moves captured via mini-cam didn’t help me feel any better. I won’t go into detail either about how horrible I was at Playstation Move’s Frisbee golf challenge but you can imagine how great I looked doing it.

Best Vacation Moment: This year I drove the farthest I’d ever driven and made way to Las Vegas for St. Patrick’s Day. While my girlfriend and I were dancing (no I wasn’t) to some Lil’ John song at Club Rok some Archie-looking white guy walked over to us and screamed “Yeahhhh!” as he put his hand on both of us. Even though I ended up winning $500 from a slot machine I still think that random act takes the cake.

That wraps up my recap of 2010. There’s a lot more that happened and deserved an award but I’m on page two of a Word file which means that any more writing would put you all to sleep if it hasn’t already.

- Mike O.

Iron Man is Mr. Peanut

For 94 years the beloved Planters company logo has remained silent. Until now.

Robert Downey Jr. is the first voice of Mr. Peanut and (if it's even possible to even do so in a thiry second commercial) he nails the role perfectly. I've seen the commercial a few times on Hulu but never recognized it was him. I'm loving the new claymation Mr. Peanut and will celebrate this occasion tomorrow when I buy that Planters tropical trail mix for $9 at 7-11. Freeze-dried pineapple and lightly salted dried banana will make this the merriest of Christmassesses.

- Mike O.

December Rain: You Are Not Axl Rose

This is dedicated to everyone who suddenly turns into Shakespeare at the slightest drops of rain.

Stop!

I hate going on facebook, twitter or any sight where people are bombastically putting up useless rain forecast or failed attempts at haiku's about the "storm watch". Thanks to the recent invention of the window, I am able to see the weather conditions as they happen without being in it. I hope Johnny Mountain punches you all in the ovaries for trying to usurp his job. In addition I don't need your status update laying in bed "listening to the rain". What exactly am I suppose to do with this information? Stop talking about how the rain makes you think deeply, remember you were not the person in Gun's and Roses November Rain video. Please understand if the rain is the only thing that can turn you into Hemingway, then chances are you suck at putting your thoughts into words on a regular basis. If you don't understand the last reference then point proven. Listening to your rain gutters clog is not going to fix that, make some soup or turn on a TV. A change in weather is not going to help you redeem yourself from that D- you got in your 3rd grade English book report on Judy Blume's Runaway Ralph. Stop talking about how much you love the rain if your just on your phone and not willing to venture out in it. There are a lot of people that have to go out in this weather and your sudden deep insights won't stop them from skidding across two intersections on MLK or Atlantic. If your going to express yourself do it on a daily basis, not because you decided to pretend to seize the day and curl up in your blankets. Even if it's only to give this post the finger

UFZ: The Green Hornet Strikes

Like the courageous Britt Reid, my personal Kato and I braved the apocalyptic sprinkle outside to watch Seth Rogen's adaptation of The Green Hornet.

For those too lazy to open a new tab and google Green Hornet, it's a tale of disgruntled underachieving bad ass Britt Reid. In a similar manner to DC comics Bruce Wayne, he inherits his fathers empire after a suspicious family murder. In an attempt to prove he's not a waste of skill he becomes the crime fighter known as (over exaggerated voice here) Greeeeen Horrrnet. This was not what was thespianized on the screen tonight

After seeing the comic con footage, reading the awesome Kevin Smith version of the story and being disappointed by Carls Jr's chicken tenders needless to say my expectations for this movie were not high by any means. Especially when your tag line is, Written by the team that brought you such dynamic action films as Knocked Up, Superbad, and the FortyYear Old Virgin?

From the beginning I wanted to hate Seth Rogen's portrayal of antagonist Britt Reid. In fact I hated the fat kid that portrayed the young Britt Reid in the movies opening flashback. Let's move on, it's now and Britt is a slacker / playboy who continues to piss his father off. After his fathers death, he's somehow forced to take over the family business. (Let this be a lesson make a will) Around this time we're introduced to his fathers mechanic/ coffee maker Kato. In order to piss off his father even more the two become the comedic crime duo Green Hornet and the nameless sidekick. Insert mob plot that intersects with his fathers death and add a Kato Green hornet fight with conflict resolution. Finish it off with an ingenious plan to take down the mob and ice it with a very entertaining blues brothers like car chase and you have the green hornet in 30 seconds.

The best part of the movie and the star in my opinion, is the Black Beauty itself. A 57 Chrysler that would make anyone feel like a bad ass and makes me want to go to Carl's Jr and buy a large drink so I can win it. I can't do it justice you just have to see it to believe it.

The best way to describe the portrayal of Britt Reid is Seth basically made the guy from Pinapple express into a millionaires son, that's the extent of the character. In a stupid way it's genius, he doesn't stretch himself into another character instead Seth Rogen makes the character into himself because hey, if your old enough to remember the Green Hornet radio show your either dead or a head in a cryogenic freezer. Cameron Diaz is barley worth mentioning, I kept waiting for Edward James Olmos to say Cal culus. The only great performance was Kato who constantly walked the line between broken English Asian and total bad ass. James Franco makes a cameo early on that I hope he was paid more for than Cameron or Edward James got combined.

In the end, this movie doesn't hurt or elevate the comic book hero genre. It's simple to follow plot, over piled on comedy and well choreographed action scenes make it entertaining, that is if you know nothing previous of the characters. It's not a movie that's going to be in any ones top ten it's just going to entertain you for a little over 90 min. ( Not don't be fooled by 3D, it doesn't make a difference here)

Unemployment FUN Zone factor 3 out of 5 ( movie free, 2 bucks parking, 10 dollar cooks torta)

This movie 3 out of 5.

Fear of hydroplaning on the freeway 1 out of 5.

If your looking for a campy movie to take a date to see this. If you want the definitive Green Hornet story go read Kevin Smith's comic book version which still contains plenty of dick jokes.

- David N.