The Onion Movie

Yes, The Onion Movie was a big let down. But, after reading through the history of the movie's release and all interviews regarding it, I can safely place most of the blame on 20th Century Fox. After all, it'd be unfair to expect a quality effort from a straight to DVD release that wasn't supposed to be released in the first place. It was Fox's decision to preemptively ship this straight to retail shelves against the wishes of the film's original writers, directors, and producers. Nice.

The movie does have its moments and can be funny at times, as demonstrated by the Armed Gun Man who simply wants a full-time job or the Unknown Stereotypes piece which explains that black people love taffy and the Irish have big nipples (just watch it). But the way in which it's pieced together just didn't work for me. A lot of the film feels rushed and scrambled together and probably would've worked better as a few articles strewn together on the website as opposed to a full-length movie. I'm sure with all the re-writes and re-shoots the original minds wanted it could've been a lot better.

You should still find a way to watch this if The Onion makes you laugh, just make sure you rent or download it before you buy it as a Christmas present to yourself.

And here's to hoping the guys at theonion.com just keep their video section updated and scrap all thoughts of a full-length movie for now.

Celtics @ Lakers: Live Blog!

3 Minutes left. A Celtic on the ground and a tie score. It's time to test my Live Blog skills.

2:57: That Nike commercial has an awesome beat. Also, Paul Pierce wishes us a Merry Christmas. Very original.

2:Something: Gasol knocks down open shot, declares Los Angeles part of Spain.

2:00: Gasol for another shot thanks to a pass by Kobe. Yes, Kobe passed it! 85-81 Lakers.

1:44: Double foul. Wait, what. Nevermind, who is this Rondo guy?

1:28: Gasol again! Spania Es Esploding. Lakers leading by 5.

1:19: Glimpse of Jeff Van Gundy, look away from your TV.

1:16: Gasol blocked it! Ariza dunked it! ABC showed it!

57.2: Laker crowd forming the word ARIZA in the stands.

41.0: Kobe banks it in. Gasol fuming that he didn't score that.

10.0: Ariza the rebound, pulls out clover, eats it. The game is over, Lakers win 92-83.

0:00: Kobe sweating all over the ABC/ESPN microphone during interview. Gross.

0:00: Lamar Odom is still on the court waiting to be interviewed.

What a finish. I just realized that Gasol sort of resembles Howard Stern. Thankfully I didn't Live Blog the entire game or I'd have to mention that Luke Walton is still on the team and find a way to describe his air balls.

My neighbors just shot off a firework. That's my cue to exit.

Pringles Sour Cream & Onion: Source of Vitamin C

At 6% a serving, and every serving being 15 pringles, eating roughly 250 chips will give you the 100% daily serving of Vitamin C recommended by doctors.

Blinded By The Light

It's obvious: Santa is Jesus. Returning in human form, he appears to be in his late 50s/early 60s, still bearded, incredibly jolly, and with lots of followers. Hidden behind that suit is the only man capable of performing the divine miracle of delivering presents to children all over the world in one night. His masterful carpentry skills taught repeatedly to elves to relieve arthritic pain from a previous injury.

So if you're listening, Jesanta or Santsus, I promise my gift request this year is an easy one. All I ask for is the ability to listen better to music. Too often do I hear a verse incorrectly only to sing it improperly over and over until someone either tells me it's wrong or I google-correct myself later when searching for the lyrics. On my way home from work last night, I misheard some lyrics once again. The song: "Blinded By The Light" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band.

I won't go into detail, but here is video of the song with the first verse so you can guess what words were misinterpretted. That's all for tonight, happy third day of Hanukkah.



Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night
Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night
Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night
Madman drummers bummers,
Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat
With a boulder on my shoulder, feelin' kinda older,
I tripped the merry-go-round
With this very unpleasin', sneezin' and wheezin,
the calliope crashed to the ground

NFL Playoffs Coming Soon

Prepare yourself accordingly:

Results: 67% Human, 33% Dancer

I'm in the process of learning guitar. Currently, strings 1, 2, and 3 have been mastered for the most part. Songs such as "Ode To Joy", "Jingle Bells", and "Yankee Doodle" have also been perfected and can be played upon request. Thanks to everyone at work who initially laughed when I announced that I learned "Ode To Joy" and then proceeded to show me how to play music I actually like (Note: Free music lessons from all of you = now who's laughing.)

Haven't had too much time to get to new music lately, but the new Killers song "Human" is heavy on my Insigniapod's rotation right now. I don't mind the other singles or songs I've heard from them, but I can't put down this track. As with any song I can't get out of my head, dissecting the lyrics is all I have left. My guess is that the "dancer" is a reference to the notion that we may be products of someone else's reality. That maybe we don't know what or who controls us as we move towards an uncontrollable destiny that is mapped out by our instincts and core emotions or feelings (grace, virtue, good, romance; all mentioned in the lyrics).

Now, if you think that's gay enough, you can stop reading. If not, I took to the message boards for some other insight:

"So I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you are in fact asking whether you (we?) are human or, uh, dancers. Which brings me to my second complaint: What's with the false choice? Yo, Brandon, no offense, but most dancers are generally human."

"I don't think it refers to the artistic dancer. It could refer to politics, or beings that 'dance' around the truth or central issues. (I'm not familiar with all the lyrics of the song) The artistic dancer attempts to be original, think out of the box, and not be "programmed". "

"The Killers have their right to poetic, literary, and grammatical license, but for me, personally, it actually really bothers me to wrap my mind around "Are we dancer?" Not because I don't "get" the reference- I think all the people smugly congratulating themselves about Thompson have pounded it in- but because it doesn't parse. I don't think it would have made that great a poetic/literary difference to put an S at the end of "dancer," but it would have made a world of logical difference."

"too bad you dumbasses don't get it.. are we humans with a soul and feelings or are we dancers programmed to stay in line and follow...... GET A CLUE IDIOTS!!!!"

"It's clear that The Killers single ‘Human’ is a reference to the Brandon Flowers own death .. quite simply he's asking if we are physical or spirit and is wondering what the answer will be when he dies .. 'Dancer' is a reference to spirit (native American I believe) .. The verses outline Brandon’s imagined encounter with death and part of how he would want to say goodbye .. always leading back to the question ‘are we physical or are we spirit’ .."

So, most of the grief this song has caught from Internuts is the fact there is no "s" at the end of dancer. I wish I could post all of the complaints, but you don't have that much time. At least know this rule: You can't point to grammatical errors if your user ID is RawkBoi4Lyfe.

As for other new music, I'm up for suggestions. And David, please don't suggest Enya or the soundtrack for Mama Mia!

Surfin' U.S.A.

A quick list of quick things you can quickly read that I found quickly on the Internet.

• Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing (a classic). Link
  
• Canadian columnist calls NBA "Ghetto Gutter". Link
  
• Blogger sends e-mail to McDonalds to explain satisfaction with Grimace. Link
• Father punishes son with public humiliation. Link
• Entertaining review of Metallica at the Forum in LA. Link

Antonio Banderas To Lakers: De-fence!

Worth a thousand pesos.

Can everyone calm down. I know the Lakers could be playing better, but I follow close enough to know that it's still December and a loss to Boston on Christmas means the following:

• It's not the playoffs.
  
• Jesus was Irish, possibly.
• The 16-point lead held by the Celtics in the third quarter gives you more time to enjoy looking at your gift card for Chili's.
  

In a somewhat related note, local radio station AM 570 will no longer broadcast Laker games next season. Lakers went to the sexier knew studios at AM 710 ESPN radio which will be broadcasting across the street live from the new ESPN headquarters in Los Angeles.

Too bad nobody listens to Laker games on the radio. De-fence!

What To Mute

Kira Willey has won an Independent music award, is a yoga instructor, and is a mother.

She's also the artist behind the song "Colors", which is repeated at nausea in Dell's green laptop commercials.

Mute.

Air Man: The History of A Villain

I have a confession. Earlier today, I stumbled upon this story from Yahoo!'s Odd News department:

"TOKYO (Reuters) - A 60-year-old man who was thrown into the air in celebration at his retirement party died after his colleagues failed to catch him and he fell to the floor, a Japanese newspaper reported on Tuesday."

While gearing up for a blog about the story itself, I searched Google images for "Man In Air" or "Jump In Air" or just "In Air" to at least get a picture to post with the quote from this article. Seconds before I started to type a sentence or two in poor taste about this event (I know you think it's somewhat funny too, asshole), I was side-tracked by the results of my search with the image of a villain known as Air Man.

Oh, Air Man. Your name etched into the bright blue screen of Mega Man 2 on NES. Your dangerous world filled with disappearing and then reappearing giant pig heads with George Washington wigs spouting smaller versions of such from your ears as we all carefully tried to avoid those upside-down iced-cream cone horns. Those blue girating pieces of macarroni zipping out of red bowls on the floor were sure to stop our hero:



Powered by his will to destroy anything slightly above room temperature, Air Man was on a mission: stop Mega Man from ever assembling that camping tent on a brisk winter's day. Built from the spare parts of Dr. Wily's defective Honeywell oscillating fan, Air Man's chest tornadoes would send any man, mega or other, into a cooled, soothing coma.

Of course, you never saw Air Woman. It's rumored that all the other evil Robots could never hang out any more because Air Man kept making that "she sure can blow" joke while bumping his elbows on their metallic chests. Get over it, guys. Air Man is legend.

David Gets Plural

Here's David with Picks for the Week, including a Top 10 list that does not include the top ten toppings to put on a pizza. En-yoy...



Since there isn't anything I really can say is a must have this week, here are some picks from stuff you've never heard of:

The Wonde​rful Wizar​d of OZ - Eric Shano​wer and Skott​ie Young​ retel​l the origi​nal tale,​ which​ I never​ actua​lly read,​ and it's charm​ing as all hell.​ If you even know a kid, you shoul​d buy them this book.​

Waste​land - Not enoug​h peopl​e read this book by Anton​y Johns​on and Chris​tophe​r Mitte​n.​ You shoul​d.​ The third​ trade​ just came out. Read it befor​e the fall of manki​nd,​ so you know what'​s comin​g.​

Phono​gram:​ The Singl​es Club - Just like the previ​ous mini,​ it's brill​iant,​ but this one is in color​,​ and so it's even brill​iante​r.​ Seek it out.

As promised here are my top ten graphic novel's of all time, some are part of a series and some are stand alone

10. Kingdom Come- Superman causes armageddon, I think that speaks for itself. If that isn't enough it's all hand painted by alex ross

9. Daredevil: Guardian Devil- Written by kevin smith and this book started the Marvel knights line, it's definitely the best daredevil I ever read

8. Walking Dead- From image comics it's your typical zombie story but the end of the first issue the sheriff's 8 year old kid shoots his former best friend

7. Dark Knight Returns- Frank Millers batman masterpiece, that's all I should say

6. Batman: The Killing Joke- If you liked the dark knight then this is the book that inspired that joker. Best part is you can usually find this for under 10 bucks.

5. Wolverine: origin- This really brought back the character to life, it tells the true beginning of wolverine. the relationship between him and sabertooth is no what you would think. Fact wolverine's real name is actually james howlett

4. Green Lantern: Emerald twilight- Hal Jordan proves what a badass he is and kills the entire green lantern corps

3. x-men: age of apocalypse- In a world with no professor x, apocalypse controls the planet and everything is not as it should be. Wolverine is missing a hand and cyclops is missing an eye. Magneto leads the x men.

2. Watchmen- If you havent read it, read it. This book started showing costumed super heroes in a light never seen before, making them rapist and murders. The book is one big moral question and was way ahead of it's time

1. Punisher kills the marvel universe- The title says it all, and he kills everyone from captain america to wolverine. It cost less than 5 bucks.
GET ONE!

David.

Wow.

Good luck trying to sleep tonight after reading this piece from SportsByBrooks.com about forest faces...

"Forget toxic mortgage bundles and government bailouts. I think spending money on something called “Forest Faces” may truly be at the root of our financial crisis.

The newest craze in outdoor decor, Forest Faces attach to trees, fences or even walls outside your home or campsite, and let visitors know which team you’re rooting for. The resin facial features and logo stand up even in harsh weather and secure to tree trunks via durable hooks."

Tashi With Some Words of Wisdom

"I love my life. I'm not gonna mess it up with a pregnancy." (Courtesy of a new ad campaign from StayTeen.org)

Can we get this printed on the cover of textbooks and Ipods?

Wolverine To Host Oscars

Of course his driver's license says "Hugh Jackman", but we all know in our heart of hearts he's Wolverine. And if I were any good at Photoshop you would have at least seen the Oscar Statue with adamantium claws or a picture of Wolverine behind a podium wearing a tux.

Instead, here is my list of things the real Wolverine would say, do, or feel if he hosted The Oscars.

• Works the word "bub" into every reading of both male and female nominees.
• Makes small-talk with Oscar joke writer Bruce Villanch backstage.
• Kills Bruce Villanch.
  
• Is unsettled by the amount of Sentinels used as seat fillers.
• Bothered by the glare from Xavier's head, Wolverine ruins the final choreographed steps in the opening music and dance number.
• Goes on 25 minute rant about how great Tom Hanks is.
• Ignores Jubilee's positive cheers heard from the furtherst section in the upper balcony.
  
• When the teleprompter goes out, Wolverine improvises with "Best Gay Character In A Comic Book Series" category as camera pans on to Cyclops.
• Can't stop glaring at Storm for some reason.
• Sarcastically thanks Iceman for his help and explains how he couldn't have done it without him.
• Refuses to shave or remove mask.
• Wonders why his gift basket is the only one labeled "Mutant".

Punisher: War Zone

The new Punisher movie is out and contributor David has blessed us with a review (and grammatical errors!) just in time for Christmas.



You'll have to forgive me if I suck at this. Much like sex, the first time can be real awkward.

Here we go. Punisher War Zone; there's two schools of people this movie will appeal to. Over the top action fans that liked Rambo, and rabid comic nerd's such as yours truly. That being said blood bath does not even begin to describe this movie. I believe someone used the words plasma explosion and that wouldn't even be spot on. I literally felt like there was blood on my clothes after I saw this movie. It's the best Punisher movie, not that it had much competition. Though Louis Gosset Jr. did have an Oscar worthy performance in his movie with Dolph Lundren .

From the first moment a bullet is fired you're thrown into a true adaptation of the Punisher's dark and violent world. I saw some of the most creative ways I've ever beheld on how to obliterate a man. In short, if your looking for Oscar caliber acting and a heart felt story watch .... just go rent Sense & Sensibility. If you are looking for one of the 5 best action movies you'll ever see then go see Punisher: War Zone. Keep in mind this movie isn't for queers who would rather sit home and watch shamwow infomercials when their friends invite them to see Punisher.

David.
---

I think that means he gives it "2 Shamwows Up!". Also, plasma explosion is patent pending, so don't get any wild ideas.

Blue Moon: Fat Free Product (by Coors?)

Blue Moon is a fat free beverage, so drink up!

Side Note: A few weeks ago I wanted this in bottles but couldn't find it, not even at BevMo or Trader Joe's. Now it's available at my local Albertson's for $9.99 a 6 pack, $16.99 a 12 pack. Wikipedia says it's a seasonal promotion, so I assume it's not regularly available all year? In any event, I can't stop drinking this stuff.

Also, a friend mentioned how trendy this citrusy beer has gotten since its introduction in 1995. Today I find out it's actually made by Coors, who is helping fight the trendyness by not putting their logo on the bottle (shows Blue Moon Brewing Co. on the back). Because Coors is pretty blandly-disgusting in comparison, I'm positive they had the right idea. It'd be like you finding out your favorite song of all time was written by Usher. It's something you'd rather not know.

Hot Stove, Cool Solution.

Had too much hot stove action for one day? Cool down with a commercial for Aqua Velva featuring Pete Rose:



Still not cool enough? Check out the other commercial featuring Joe Morgan.

Blossom: The Wait Is Over.

Finally.

Days, months, years in the making, Blossom Seasons 1 (and 2!) have a DVD release date set for January 27th, 2009. The process of locating Joey Lawrence alone took about 3 years. Found hidden in the outskirts of Des Moines, the "Woah" meister finally agreed to get into the commentary studio with Blossom, Anthony Russo, and Six. His main objection to joining the rest for episode commentary was that he didn't have a weird real name like they did. (Mayim Bialik, Michael Stoyanov, and Jenna von Oy!).

This is the only show to preface every single episode with "A Very Special...". I recommend episode 109, "The Date", in which Blossom is assaulted by her date. On the special scale, it's about an 8. It's also one of the only episodes I have any memory of, which is surprising since I never watched the show once in my life and nobody can really prove otherwise.

True fans of the series could still follow Jenna (Six) on TV when she joined the cast of The Parkers in 1999 on UPN. The Parkers was actually a spin-off of Blossom's seldom seen, incredibly unfunny black neighbors who are grossly overweight, beyond stupid, and once stole Six's bike in 10th grade. Thanks to Six, she carried The Parkers and helped it survive just as long as Blossom (5 Seasons. Seriously.) and over 100 episodes.

Hay hay hay.

David Presents... Comic Book POTW #3

David gets festive with his third pick of the week...



"This week there's a lot of good books hitting shelves on Wednesday, but the stand out of the week for me is...

Secret Invasion: Dark Reign

At the end of secret invasion Norman Osbourne (the green goblin) is left in charge of ever super hero initiative under government control, this book sets the stage for 2009 and show's you what it's like when every hero in the marvel universe is forced to live like spider man or the hulk. You also find out who the evil illuminati are and what's brought them together.

Also coming out is the first new watchmen issue #1 printing in more than 10 years. For those of us not around in 78, it's a treat for the next 12 months to be able to pick up each single issue and read it how it was meant to be read.
The brand new coloring for the book is amazing!"

---

For someone who doesn't get around to many comics, Dark Reign sounds like something I'd go out of my way to read. Thanks again to guest contributor David, who gets paid in O'Connor Currency (a tender text message AND a lifetime supply of jokes at my expense.)

December 8th, Nutshelled.

Headlines and quick stuff mostly from today:

• Dodgers GM says Sabathia wants to be in L.A. Link
  
• Casey Blake, aka The Beard, near agreement with the Dodgers. Click
• Batman: The Dark Knight is released tomorrow. Pop
• Alt Press Magazine releases the most anticipated albums of 2009. Green Day, NOFX, and Paramore are highlights. Especially Paramore. No link, just accidentally pick up the issue at 7-11 like I did.
  
• Leno staying with NBC Primetime even after the Tonight Show goes to Conan. Conk
• South Gate is the only city in Los Angeles with 9.25% sales tax. Tax not applied to elotes. Also, this isn't really new news, I just happened to look at my receipt from CVS. El Linko De .pdf
• "Moon Shoes" discovered at Toys 'R Us when shopping for gift. Moon Shoes: Jump
  
• Maru, the Japanese sensation. Linkers
• No Doubt to reunite for tour next year. Fan Site
• Greg Maddux retired. Hey! We Got Cy Young Winners Over Here!
  

Consumer Alert - We Are Idiots.

I know it's Monday, and like I mentioned in the about me section of this blog, sorry in advance.

I've had DirecTv for about 7 months and one thing about paid television is that while you do get more channels, you also get more infomercials. Maybe it just feels that way because, well, there are more channels. Whatever. The point here is this: we're idiots.

Watching ESPN the other day, I tried to keep count of all the NutriSystem commercials with Mike Golic in them. You can sympathize with dieters all you want, but an easy answer is your ticket to nothing. In fact, after watching any infomercial peddling pretty solutions, I usually hope that people would think twice before investing. Ultimately my assumption is that nobody is naive enough to send their fake watch to Cash4Gold and expect a $34 check. I'm sure many of you share the same assumption.

But let me reassure you that people are dumb. That, even when we're in a depression, people will still waste their money. And yes, it's all subjective. That wasting money could technically be considered going to Sizzler to eat "dinner", spending $20 to park at The Forum, or buying everyone at work $7 beers before you know they're $7. But hey, at least I wasn't one of the duds who bought Shamwow!

Your species is currently shelling out extra money for a triple-layered paper towel from Germany to help dry their car and whipe up wine spills. And while I'm still trying to find a monetary figure for how much Shamwow! has raked in so far, check out these consumer reviews from InfomercialRatings.com:

"I purchased this product to clean my car. I could kick myself in the rear for falling for the infomercials. You are better off using an old towel or a sponge. this product does not live up to it's claims."

"... However, he was ecstatic to begin using this miraculous product, and pulled them from the container at once. It took about a minute to find he already had about eight or nine chamois, towels (cloth and paper), and rags from various cloth - all of which worked as well or better than these overpriced items, hawked by a typically weird individual on the tube. Save your bucks, folks!"

7 Pages. 7 Pages of mostly negative, 1-Star reviews from people surprised this thing didn't work.

It gets better. Check out the Shamwow! guy's bio on Wikipedia too: "Vince Offer is a writer, director and comedian best known for appearing as a television pitchman for ShamWow! absorbent towels." Writer, director, comedian. Add to that list Scientologist. That's right, you bought Brawny from a former Scientologist (why he's a former Scientologist is even funnier, check the wiki link).

Don't think the media didn't try and warn us. Here's ABC 15's segment, "Let Daphne Try It Before You Buy It":



This is why people like Matthew Lesko have money. I'm done, goodnight.

Festivus: Only 15 Days Away

I finally finished reading Leslie Nielsen's The Naked Truth, no doubt one of the funniest things I've ever read. He cowrote the book with two other writers who helped make this more than the verbal slapstick you might expect. Anyways, the next book I'm working on is authored by one of the writers from Seinfeld, Daniel O'Keefe's The Real Festivus. It seems like a quick read, but so far the first few pages have delivered the funny. Here's an excerpt of the intro:

"So you think the holiday known as Festivus involves a metal pole, do you? Feats of strength? Commercial breaks? WRONG. That's just the television version. Because a network audience couldn't possibly have handled the real thing. A family huddled around a table by candlelight one random evening a year, eating and drinking too much, singing in German about a black pig, bitching about people who didn't like them into a barely functional tape recorder, and displaying obscene, hand-scrawled signs of a political nature.

But if you go beyond simple belief, if you are one of those lost souls who, captivated by the television portrayal of Festivus, actually celebrates the damn thing.. .what's up with that? Don't get out of the house much, do you? Maybe you should get a pet or a hobby or something.If you don't already have forty cats in your studio apartment,which will eat your eyes when you die, alone."

Prediction: De La Hoya-Pacquiao Draw

Get ready for the most uninspired battle of the century. This fight shows no potential for entertainment and will have no impact whatsoever on the sport of boxing. Both fighters will stumble around the ring for about 2 hours, throw some minor jabs, and with any luck will maybe land a few here and there. The fight never comes to climax as both fighters struggle to catch their breath when the final "Draw" decision is announced.

Thankfully, I will be at work most of the day so I won't miss any of this.

Also, USC wins 2-0 over UCLA. USC scores a safety in the first 5 minutes of the game, then nothing happens for another 2 hours and 50 minutes.

Sonic Blast: Good Source of Calcium

Most Sonic Blasts provide 25% of your daily requirement of Calcium. Good news for us all.

David Presents... Comic Book POTW #2

David, once again, with your Comic Book POTW...



"This week's pick is Secret Invasion #8; the conclusion to the luke warm series, but it does set the landscape of the marvel universe for the upcoming year.

A worthy mention goes to Santa Claus vs Frankenstien.... the title says it all."

228,999 Views And Counting...

MLB 2k6 was glitchy fun. When Olmedo Saenz can steal a base, you know you've done something wrong.

And yes, I'm still cleaning out my old bookmarks.

Curse of The Olive Garden & A Blog

Double Karma.

This story begins a few weeks ago. The hunt for free restaurant buzzers was on. In cooperation with an anonymous friend (Daniel), we set out on a busy (Friday?) night to see how many places in line we could hold with the prize being one of those buzzers. Keep in mind, this was to pass the time until we were seated at a real restaurant. In the end, we ended up with just one, courtesy of the Olive Garden. While it was cool at first, it never stopped beeping and was subsequently smashed. (Bonus Video!: Witness others (not me) perform this feat.) Karma the first.

Skip ahead to a few days ago. An hilarious countdown list for Black Friday was published by yours truly, explaining the joys of working on the busiest shopping day of the year. On the list: stolen cars, stolen presents, and stolen cars with bonus presents inside. I wrote (and then left out) a fourth car related joyful moment: minor fender benders in the parking lot and the road rage that follows. Karma the second.

Then came this Sunday. The family calls requesting my presence for a late Sunday dinner. I clock out of work, fly down the 91, and arrive safely at the restaurant of choice: The Olive Garden. I grab a buzzer, walk back to my car, and proceed to wait for the rest of my party. The wait time at this Olive Garden inside a shopping center (is there any Olive Garden not part of a shopping center or mall?) is about 45 minutes. Perfect timing for a power nap.

Sleeping, I feel a vibration, except it's the one from my phone and not the one alerting me that it's time for complimentary bread sticks. My sister was just involved in a hit-and-run by a red pickup truck about 50 feet away from a parking space at The Olive Garden. No injuries, just your neighborhood asshole hitting your car, getting out to make sure his car is okay, then getting back in his car and driving off. Meanwhile, the real buzzer goes off, but it's too late for pasta time. Everyone's pissed and I'm not gonna let Jessica get a 5% tip because nobody's in the mood for smiles. So, with Olive Garden buzzer going crazy in the back seat (see above), I drive over to the accident to eye the damage, then drive home.

Please, don't steal restaurant buzzer things and don't joke about fender benders.