My Top 5 Favorite Places To Camp In Modern Warfare 3

As my Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 bracketed callsign indicates (Number zero, or [#0]), I do not think highly of my game. Despite a few lucky head-shots and Semtex sticky blasts you'll most often see me spinning around in circles racking up my death count and ruining any chance of our team winning a match.

After playing the game for about fifty hours since purchase I can tell you that all of what I have learned comes courtesy of the more experienced players. Through years of practice, the seasoned COD player knows where to find every hidden grassy knoll or shadowed corner. They wait and stalk, quietly hovering above the trigger button. Moving slowly, they wait to hear your footsteps until, just like that, you're shot dead. Then they move on.

I choose not to.

Not only because it's the only way I can get multiple kills, but because I'm still awful at this game after hours of practice. Also, I find it incredibly funny to provoke someone I may have killed four times from hiding in the same spot for five minutes.

So, for all of you cowardly assholes looking for some easy kills and hearty laughs I present you with my top 5 favorite places to camp in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3:


#5.) Map: DOME. Specific Camping Location: There's a grassy corner right near the giant dome that you can squat in for almost the entire match and average at least three kills. It's near two exit/entrances and there's a third one up towards the left.


#4.) Map: MISSION. Specific Camping Location: Near two barrels you can set up shop where most of the action happens in this map. Much like the Dome camping space, you have enemies flying in from all over. They're usually running up and down the hill in front of you as well as coming from across the bridge to your left.


#3.) Map: HARDHAT. Specific Camping Location: In the middle of the map you've got everyone's favorite underground sewer. Sit atop it at any point during the game and you can kill people coming out of it or anyone coming from the enclosed area to the right.


#2.) Map: ARKADEN. Specific Camping Location: This one almost made my #1 pick. Here you're hidden in the center of the action with enemies spawning right in front of that entrance. Most of the seasoned players will come from behind and knife you but I find it worth the risk. I can't tell you how many people never look there and run to your right just waiting to be sniped.


#1.) Map: CARBON. Specific Camping Location: Making #1 on my list is this enclosed area located in the left corner of the map. It's great because nobody can run behind you and if you're fast enough you can kill anything that runs/walks by. Careful though, after you kill the same guy a third time he will be frustrated and may start throwing grenades from every angle to try and oust you. This spot will guarantee you at least 6 or 7 kills during a match and provide loads of laughs.

The 96%, More or Less

Count me in.

Speaking of wishful thinking, here's what I demand/expect from the upcoming 2012:

1. More courteous thank-you hand gestures when I let people merge.

2. Less sodium intake.

3. More reflection on the music I bought ten years ago. More listening to that music in my car and remembering how much Fantastic Damage changed my taste in Hip-Hop and music in general.

4. Less Tebowing from everyone.

5. More grilled asparagus and exotic beer tasting.

6. Less time spent having to use my current pair of glasses.

7. More Dodger games attended.

8. Less worrying about the roots slowly decaying from beneath my molars.

9. More time off from work spent with the Mrs.

10. Less cutting people off mid-sentence. Not sure how I picked this up but it's a dick move and I've already cut back.

11. More of a routine around health checks. Medical benefits being wasted every month is nonsense.

12. Less jury duty.

13. More movie watching and less TV show watching. There's so much I still haven't caught up on.

14. Less people blocking the driveway.

15. More visits to Seal Beach.

16. Less TVs falling on my head in the warehouse.

17. More priority around updating IEC and reminding myself how fun it is to write.


Be safe you filthy animals!

Jingle Jingle Jingle

With just two hours until most of Los Angeles visits a Catholic church for midnight mass I think now is the time to finally step away from getting pwned in Call of Duty to spruce up the joint.

*spruce spruce*

The year shaped up nicely. The Dodgers will be McCourt-less in 2012, I survived another year of retail turmoil, and my girlfriend (now fiancee) of two years said she's up to the challenge of dealing with my forgetful squirrel-like attention span and deplorable kitchen sink sponge habits for an eternity (awww.)

Man. I love this part of It's A Wonderful Life. George Bailey goes nuts on Uncle Billy and pulls him up by his jacket collar to yell at him, then he just flipped out on his kids, threw a bunch of stuff around in their living room and the youngest one is crying at the piano. I have closed captioning on which made it even better:

Oh daddy. ... [sobbing]

Sorry about that. Anyways, as I was saying, 2011 was a lot of fun. I didn't have to get any more gallbladders taken out, there were no major car accidents, we moved into a new place, lost some weight, gained a little back over these past two weeks, got some really cool Christmas presents, spent some quality time with old friends when I could, found an ice cream fudge bar that I like, sold a ton of stuff on eBay for decent money, destroyed friends and family on WordsWithFriends, ate some zucchini, flew to Albuquerque, renewed my license, broke away from Facebook, and last month I finally completed Fallout: New Vegas.

Here's to a all of you having a great holiday. 'Til next time.

Pink Elephants On Parade

That fuzzy piece of evidence was snapped in a hurry as the drunk driver of an SUV was being handcuffed and taken away for smashing into three parked cars just outside our complex. Watching the aftermath made me feel lucky for avoiding that kind of drama a few years ago when I'd take my chances at the wheel before sobering up. Either way, here's a list of things you or your party probably shouldn't do or say when being busted for a D.U.I.:

1. Don't Try To Reason With The Sober: My fiancee called the police moments after the crash. While waiting for the cops to come, the driver's man (aka wannabe Pitbull) tried to reason with the damaged property's owners. Yo man I promise yo we gonna take care of it, naw I'm sayin'.... When on earth has that ever worked? Besides, I just signed up with Allstate and they won't give you a dime unless you have a police report.
2. Don't Try To Be Smart: Your girl is wasted, she fucked up, take it like a champ. Don't tell the cops what to do especially if you're just as buzzed. Relax and quit whining.
3. Now Is Not The Time To Try Being Tough: "Who is your supervisor? I want to speak to your supervisor!". Wow. Do you really think that's going to stop your heina from being arrested? Not to mention the fact that when the supervisor arrives you cower in fear and pretended like you didn't say anything.
   
4. Don't Make Jokes About The Police When They Can Clearly Hear What You Are Saying Over There: How do you not know about this rule?
5. Don't Talk Any More: After you've thrown your tantrum, tried to reason with the police or the other parties, just shut the hell up. This guy was walking around the street trying to tell everyone to go back in their homes and mind their own business. He resorted to calling the neighborhood "janky". Reality check: You're only drunk; you didn't get in a time machine to 1978 when people last used that word.

Apartment Life: The H.Y.D.T. Update

If anyone wants a free shirt there's a child's size medium that has been laying in motor oil for a few weeks now and can be yours if you act now. For anyone not interested in this limited time offer please continue reading.

We're going on five months here at the new apartment and there's been loads of new discoveries. For example, it has never been more apparent to us that children act the way that they do because their dumb shit parents allow it. Bang on the walls? Sure. Bang on the front screen? Yep. Bang on the couch and slam the closet doors at random hours? Oh hell yeah. I, like most of you, fight the urge to be that guy. You know, the guy that tells other parents to keep their kids quiet in a movie theater or the one who asks someone else's infant to stop making a mess of the pillow pets at the store. Any of that can open up the flood gates to phrases like "Don't tell me how to raise my kids" and creates confrontation that isn't worth the trouble. In the end, you just have to ignore it the best you can and accept that most young parents are a bunch of lazy inconsiderate assholes.

Another fun surprise has been the cast of characters we didn't expect to meet from living in close quarters. There's the old dude that sometimes shaves outside with a broken mirror and a straight razor that always asks "How Y'all Doin' Today?" even if you're walking alone. "How Y'all Doin' Today?" (or H.Y.D.T. as I like to call it) was asked of me at least three times yesterday, a new record. Carrying laundry to your car? How Y'all Doin' Today. Running late for work? How Y'all Doin' Today. It's H.Y.D.T. 24/7, 365. My favorite moment occurred just recently when the H.Y.D.T. man asked if my employer was hiring for the season. That conversation went about as awkward as you'd think. Some other characters include the asshole who drives the Honda and thinks the parking garage is a NASCAR track, the middle aged lesbian who thinks the doorway to the apartment is the set of LifeChangers with Dr. Drew, and the idiot female driver who can never, ever seem to park between the lines of her parking space.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for the next apartment life update. Until then, ask yourself: How Y'all Doin' Today?

Pink's On A Wednesday Night At 7:38pm

I'm on pace to work six days this week so the Mrs. and I spent my only day off heading north to visit The Grove, Farmer's Market, and finally to Pink's. Normally this visit would also include a trip to Amoeba Music, but I still haven't listened to all the new music I bought from the last time we went and that was over a year ago I think.

Two years ago I wrote about traveling to Pink's alone (bew hew) and ordering the fattiest thing they had. I just re-read that blog and it made me glad that I don't live around the block from this place. It's not hard to picture me wolfing down chili dogs on a routine basis and besides it would take away some of the fun of coming here and making it an event.

Wednesday night there were two people in line and they had just gotten done ordering as we arrived. This was the first time I'd ever seen no line at this place so like a dorky tourist I snapped a picture and sent it to Ripley's. Not really, but you get the idea.

And so my November blogging hiatus is over. Expect at least another ten blogs before the month is over. Shalom.

Remember, Remember the 25th of November

The 25th of November bring a Friday that's black

A Friday in which I wish I could turn time back

People line up in droves to buy useless things

New employees not knowing what black Friday brings,

A Friday where people wait in line about 3 days ahead

The smells so repulsive, they stink worse than the dead

Missing Thanksgiving dinner thinking they'll get a steal

But how is saving 20 dollars on a piece of shit dynex a deal?

Sure store had bargains but that was a long time ago

Now retailers push out crap to customers because "What do they know?"

God forbid you get the last laptop deal and want to take it to your place

Because now you gotta look out for the black guy trying to punch you in the face,

This 25th of November take notice to what I said

The best way to spend black Friday is at home in your bed

I know this time last year this blog was filled with the same rants

But Im just trying to spare everyone a day standing behind someone who just shit there pants.

me > Russell Simmons' def poetry jam

-Lozano out

World Series Game 2 - Live Blogging the 9th

@7:51pm - Top of the 9th inning, Game 2 is tied with one out. Commercial for Tower Heist almost made me throw up the Fiber One cereal I've been eating without milk.

@7:57pm - Sac fly by Michael Young, Texas takes the lead. No matter how hard I try to pretend these Fiber One cereal pieces are still not Dorritos.

@7:59pm - Another commercial break. That Pepsi commercial montage of all the past music icons that have endorsed their fizz falls flat. Just show the Ray Charles ad in its entirety for the right one, baby.

@8:02pm - Texas, with a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the 9th, gives up a lead off walk. That's the equivalent of Mario sales leading without a clipboard, Abel picking a dot-com order before checking RSS, David drawing the Joker in complete ink before using pencil, Daniel pouring a bowl of Frankenberry before checking to see if there's milk, or me buying a tie at Ross when the Wednesday shipment hasn't even arrived. There are some things you just don't do.

@8:11pm - Furcal popped out to right to end the inning, series tied at 1 game a piece.

Fox's coverage gets progressively worse each year. I'm tired of the fan close-ups. Stop interrupting the game with shots of moms biting the cuffs of their sweaters and old dudes with a gleam in their eye. Let the drama evolve organically and quit showing us how tight each fan is holding their ass in anticipation for the next pitch. Enough!

APT FOR RENT

OUTDOOR APT FOR RENT (SPACIOUS) - One bed, slightly used, plenty of room. Patron must enjoy being in public eye. Restroom/shower not provided, must improvise. All pets, bugs, living creatures accepted. NOTE: No enclosed walls. $500 Deposit required.

That's the second mattress to block the drive way to our complex since we got settled in July. I saw it there earlier in the day, ran some errands, and when I came back it was still lying there. As with the first mattress I took it upon myself (ew, I touched it) to move it off to the side so it wouldn't ruin anyone's dubs.

What allows a person to think that leaving a used mattress curbside for an entire day is acceptable? Most garbage trucks will ignore it and there's nobody I can think of that has bragged about scoring a used mattress for nada. Why not donate it, recycle it, or use your Boost Mobile minutes and call the city removal to come pick it up. I'll give you a pass if you live in a residential area and have your own front lawn. You obviously have the space and aren't intruding on anyone else. But on a street filled with apartment complexes you've got to know better.

Spark

I can't remember which tumblr. blog I stole this from, but I definitely need it. For some reason it reminds me of the fire you could throw in the original Zelda.

Speaking of tumblr., I'm loving the short-form blogging (or micro-blogging) of pictures, quotes, and various other things. I downloaded the tumblr. application to my phone and I'm still not sure how to navigate through it yet. Either way I'm compiling a short list of of what I consider the most interesting tumblr. accounts so look for that over the next few days. Until then, work on getting me that lamp.

Always Reading LA Weekly

Ten years ago I took the back page of a 2001 LA Weekly and taped it to the wall in my bedroom. It sat on my wall for a good number of years, next to all the other artist and musician posters I'd collected over a year or two. The entire page was dedicated to promoting the soon-to-be open Amoeba Music in Hollywood. There were countless articles written prior to their opening that made me so excited to be a part of something so big. I was living in a city that would have one of the biggest record stores in the U.S.

From sixteen and on I used the LA Weekly as a guide to all things music related. It was how I found out about upcoming gigs, rising artists, album reviews, interviews, and all the different venues surrounding Los Angeles. I visited the Knitting Factory, House of Blues, Glass House, you name it- all thanks to the Weekly.

My mom turns sixty this year. For as long as I can remember, she would bring me home copies of the LA Weekly every week and give me insight on some of the articles she had already finished reading while waiting for the bus in Downtown L.A.. I was always surprised she was reading that kind of newspaper. I know the Weekly can sometimes skew to the left politically and that they write about provocative topics you'd never read in the L.A. Times, but I was mostly caught off guard because I always wondered if she knew about the sleazy porn ads in the back. I guess it's safe to assume she knew and even funnier to consider that those ads never bothered her. Still though, they were and still are really sleazy.

We had a family dinner three nights ago. The guest list included myself, my better half, my mom, and my sister. The bride-to-be was in the kitchen putting together two freshly made pizzas with pineapple, ham, and peperoncini slices while I threw my shoes on to switch cars in front so they'd have a place to park. We get back to our apartment and my mom is loaded with two bags filled with all the food we've tried to stop eating (Candy!!) and before they settle in or get to work on the salads I noticed that my mom, just like all the years before, made sure to snag an LA Weekly from her office for me to read.

Listed below are a few articles I stumbled upon from this week's update. Read on:

• Frivolous Lawsuit: Some idiot is suing the guys behind The Hangover II claiming the events happened to him in real life and that they stole his story.
• Uhhhh: A cop tweeted a picture of a dead body in Watts and it's getting a lot of attention.
• Blue It Up: More details on the McCourt/Dodgers saga.
• That's Your Opinion: They've been counting down the top LA rap albums of all time. See how many you have in your collection.
• Nintendo: There's a cutting board that looks like a NES controller. *Want*

It's 3:09am so I'm calling it quits until tomorrow. Buenas noches.

#MapleThief

The last 24 hours have been eventful. I threw up a large cup of coffee, my car battery died and left me stranded in BroVille (Fullerton, CA), my car alarm went bonkers, and today I was awarded with the joys of credit card fraud.

Some hoser, or hosette, was using my card number to buy gas from ExxonMobil, 76, and some place called Von's Fuel all located in Ontario Canada.

There's not much you can do about this kind of situation other than make a million phone calls and wait two months for everything to clear. Calling Wells Fargo to report this kind of fraud and cancel your card is a forty-five minute extravaganza filled with these kinds of questions and responses:

• Did you authorize any of these disputed charges?: What?- Authorize what? Did I authorize the charges I'm disputing? No, that's why I'm calling.
• Have you been to Canada recently?: No. I just made a purchase in Bellflower, CA.
• Have you been to Ontario recently?: No.
• Have you been to Ontario, California recently?: What? No.
• Have you ever given your card to someone else?: Never.
• Do you have your PIN number written on your card?: No.

At one point they ask if you've filed a police report which confused the hell out of me. They recommended I file a report but the police can't do anything if 1.) the charges won't go through for 3-5 days, 2.) the fraud happens outside the U.S., and 3.) your bank hasn't sent you that nineteen page claims form to fill out and process over two months. I didn't find all that out until Officer Joseph arrived to my apartment complex and chuckled at what I told him Wells Fargo told me to do.

As it stands now my debit card is dead and I'm using other methods of payment until this works itself out. Until then check your account daily, minimize online shopping, and don't visit Canada until those puck chucking syrup slugs repay my losses. Eh!

Four Points

That is a turkey burger with romaine lettuce used as buns. Yes, it's come to that.

For those who were unaware, I asked my girlfriend of two years to marry me last Friday. With about a year away from the wedding date we decided that this is a good time to focus on eating right and decrease the amount of times I've passed out wheezing walking up a flight of stairs.

She enrolled in Weight Watchers which gives you a daily food allotment and awards points for the foods you eat. I'm following along best I can to support healthier habits so that turkey burger up there costs 4 points, about 13% of what we're allowed to eat the entire day. To put that in perspective: a Double-Double is 15 points.

I'll miss you, In-N-Out.

Food Trucked

Years of being ignored by customers seeking decent, edible meals has led the Sizz' to bring their crappy sliders and mozzarella sticks to your neighborhood parking lot.

In case you missed it, Sizzler and Jack In The Box are the first of the fast food giants to hop on the food truck trend.

Nobody is going to follow either of those trucks on twitter. There's no fun in tracking down a truck that serves food you can usually find within a five mile radius. Jack's stuffed jalapenos are amazing but I can get them any time. Nom Nom and Grill 'Em All are specialties, they offer variety, innovation, and most of all something that tastes better than most things on the menu at either of those generic mobile restaurants.

Not all food trucks are honest or exquisite. For every Frysmith there's a local truck that lost their hot spot to a bunch of twenty-somethings who bought some neon paint and drew a cute logo. The worst food trucks are the ones that added a mandarin orange to a pork taco and charge $8 for the foreign flavor.

But really, most of the trucks I've tried have been reasonably priced and offer comfort food from all cultures. Tracking the best ones down is all part of the fun. Word of mouth and social media bring excitement to your gluttonous journey, something you won't get from a Sizzler on wheels.

Sale On Chorizo

This little fella is on sale during the Brewers playoff run for only $12.97. If they make it to the World Series and win I promise to buy it for one lucky IEC reader or contributor. Details to come later.

Free Tires (Maybe)

Snapped this pic yesterday where the 605 meets the 91. There's nothing holding those tires in other than the four poles on each corner and at the top.

That Wasn't Sugar

I found this gem of a story via LAWeekly.com:

Parents, try to keep your babies away from your coke stash. Even though that's a fairly commonsense guideline, a mom and dad (along with mommy's bro) were arrested in Atascadero north of L.A. this week after their 18-month-old went Lohan on their cocaine, at least according to what local cops alleged to the Weekly. Paramedics were called, and seeing as all is not right with the world when a year-and-half-old baby boy has to be treated for yay-yo ingestion, decided it might be prudent to let their police friends in on the fun.

Amazing. In addition to not leaving coke out for baby Huey to digest, here's a few more things the parents of 2011 need to get right:

• Stop bringing junior to the movies. You gave up the right to have a good time at the cineplex when you made that extra DNA.
• Retail locations and malls are not day cares. It's not okay for you to let your youngin' park in front of a television while you pick out a mouse pad.
  
• If you don't look where you're going with that stroller I'm going to make sure that your infant experiences what an amateur UFC fight feels like as we both tumble to the ground, limbs flailing.
  
• We once saw a baby crawling into the street in Norwalk, CA. I havn't seen this happen since then so keep doing that whole thing where you watch your child at all times. It's working.

October is here and I'm setting a goal of at least one blog per day for the entire month. This time it's quantity over quality to keep me in line so stay tuned...

The Race Is On

Oh, Sausagegate. The year was 2003 and I was watching Conan the night Randall Simon of the Pirates slammed his bat on the Italian Sausage (see video above). He played the clip a few times noting that the other two sausages briefly stop to look back and then continue on to finish the race. I couldn't stop laughing then and I still find it incredibly funny eight years later. She was okay, obviously, and didn't suffer any permanent damage.

The 2011 MLB Playoffs started tonight and although I won't be able to watch any game in its entirety I'll be following it closely on my phone. I think a Brewers/Rays World Series would be entertaining, but I have no vested interest in any single team winning it all. If anything jumps out at me during the playoffs you'll see it here, otherwise let's have a great October and go Dodgers.

Don't Stop Blogievin'

I'd like to dedicate this to Michael "Journey" [edited bleep], the buyback king of Cerritos .Sorry for the lack of updates but I've been busy carrying out tv's and doing cart runs. There isn't a general topic I'd like to focus on this week so I'm just going to blurt out a bunch of random crap that's chapping my ass.

I hate it when I'm driving and the dumbshit in the lane next to you assumes you have to let them merge just because they're using the turn signal. Ive got somewhere I need to be as well dipshit, back of the line.

Why do people in SUV's and big ass trucks feel the need to drive over speed bumps like a bunch of bitches. You just paid 50,000 for that thing I'm sure it's equipped with a proper suspension. For the love of christ, stop driving over those things like you're sitting on a big black dildo.

I wish stupid hipster "guys" would stop wearing skinny jeans and toms. Have some god damn self respect and stop wearing leggings and flats like some stupid indie bitch and man up.

Fuck snap back caps. I can't stand seeing a bunch of punks who have never played or pay any attention to sports wearing a L.A. Kings cap because they think the colors look fresh.

And finally, People need to stop denying the homeless spare change because they feel the homeless are just going to use it to buy alcohol. Really? What the fuck are the supposed to spent it on? An escalade? A day at the spa? Of course its going to be spent on alcohol, they live in the street and poo behind dumpsters. Anyone who says it should be spent on food is full of shit. Theres nobody on this universe that wants to walk into a carl's jr and have homeless bob, who smells like someone shit in a dumpster and set it on fire, in front of them, and you sure as shit don't want him at the table next to you eyeballing your milkshake. Instead the homeless decide to dig through trash cans for food because even they're smart enough to know that its a lot easier to find chicken nuggets in the trash than it is to find a bottle of vodka or some crack. Maybe next time a homeless person decides to ask you for change you'll get off your moral high horse and give it to them for having to decency to not eat around you and get a 32 oz king cobra instead.

That's all for now, remember kids start saving up those pennies for black friday.

-Lozano out

CODE ONE: A Brief Look At Retail

[Editor's Note: Welcome Veronica, a brand new IEC guest blogger and my partner in crime (that's the cutesy way of saying we're in a relationship). Below is her first article about working in retail. Enjoy!]

CODE ONE

For those of you who have never had a job in retail, consider yourself lucky. The few of you that have or are currently putting yourselves through the stress and pain let’s talk about what our work week looks like.

Customers: Most of them are nice and courteous until they don’t get their way. I once helped a lady who made me price match Vitamin Water. I understand times are tough but I seriously gave her twenty or thirty cents back. It was ridiculous! The second person I helped was pretty recent, this woman was angry that she was at the store so late at night. It was almost an hour after closing and she’s pissed off at me and telling me to hurry because she has to be somewhere. This comment blew my mind since I have a home I wanted to get to but couldn’t since this dumb slut wants to buy something really expensive five minutes before we close. There’s a process you stupid cow! There are far too many stories like these or worse from some of my co-workers.

Policy: From day one we are taught to follow the rules and the policy. The policy is there for a reason, or so I’m told. I am aware of the few times that we are able to make exceptions but some things I’ve seen are beyond questionable. We have a thirty day return policy that we have to follow so I’m not sure how a woman who bought a product five months ago is able to return it for cash. Even after speaking to my direct manager she went to the general manager. It was his decision to make this exception. This same guy also had me exchange a handheld game system that wasn’t even purchased at our store. This was surreal to me. If I would’ve known that the policy was more or less like an outline then I could have saved myself from a few headaches.

Hours: Lately the hours for the store are pretty bad. Less money in the budget mean less people on the sales floor or gaps between coverage which translates to unhappy customers. So they leave. We can’t hit budget if no one is there to buy. Besides this whole mess no one tells us if our schedule is changed. There is or was a rule somewhere they have to tell us twenty-four hours before a shift change. This almost never happens. Hours get cut or shifts completely taken off and there’s not a single word. To top it all off the website we have to check our hours is currently down, and has been for the past two weeks or so. You’ve really got to love technology.

Even if you were to ignore everything I’ve just said you would still have to worry about high school. What I mean is that some people will never mature or just grow up and respect others. As if all that wasn’t enough, you have to deal with fellow employees who treat the work place like a playground. Unnecessary drama complicates the work space and makes surviving a retail day more difficult than it should be. I’ll have to dedicate another entry to work place drama so I’ll see you all next time and wish you good luck in retail wonderland.

- Vero

Hulu Plus Review

Twenty-four hours into my Hulu Plus experience and I've got some thoughts about this $7.99 service.

Having every season of Saturday Night Live at the click of a button is priceless and worth the fee all by itself. I've already skipped around to some of my favorite episodes and sketches including the Garth Brooks episode where Will Ferrell plays the devil (Fred's Slacks is a winner!). I've already added a whole list of other seasons to the que which makes my old VHS recordings obsolete. Keep in mind that Hulu is a joint venture of FOX, NBC, and ABC so for Hulu to make sense for anyone you'll have to be a dedicated fan of at least one show from one of those networks and not own a DVR. I don't have cable or a DVR so being able to watch The Office, Parks & Recreation, Community, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Saturday Night Live at my leisure is convenient times a thousand. I've yet to explore the full length movie options so I guess this isn't a complete review of Hulu Plus but I noticed that the first twelve features in Most Popular Movies included only one title that I recognized: Super Size Me.

There are only two complaints I have thus far: commercials and content overlapping. Commercials for a paid service will take some getting used to thanks to Netflix. And speaking of the big N, a lot of people want to know if Hulu Plus is worth it if you already have Netflix. It all depends on what you watch or how much you're spending now. Spending $16 on both paid services is still only 25% of what I used to pay for DirecTV without HD or a DVR. That said, if you've had Netflix for over a year then you may have already watched some of your favorite TV shows which is a drag. Netflix has Parks & Recreation through season 2 and Hulu has all seasons and the new episodes. Netflix has every season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and X-Files, but so does Hulu. Content overlapping won't justify spending $8 so if you're not dedicated to any new show from those big three networks then you should skip Hulu Plus for now. Also, when I tried to watch The Simpsons via Hulu on XBOX I was pissed. Not only does it have an "Online Only" disclaimer but the disclaimer is even more misleading because when you go online they don't have all the seasons uploaded like you would expect.

Kinks aside, I love Hulu Plus. There are so many hours of new programming that I can't miss and old favorites that I want to revisit. I'd recommend it to anyone who lives cable-free and has a remote interest in any new television show from those three networks.

The Top 7 Things I've Learned About Apartment Life

We're back. Sort of. Maybe.

Look, we all know how this works. Going on extended hiatus is a tradition here at Infinite Et Cetera and it's one that we intend to continue throughout the years. Loyal IEC observer Mario inspired (threatened) me to update this place with some new content so for the next 500 words I'll offer the top 5 things I've learned about apartment life over the past two months.

1. People are Loud & Obnoxious: Open your windows and doors to let that summer breeze in and be treated to the sounds of a mother yelling at her children because she doesn't have the corn dogs they've been begging for. They eventually decided on pizza, but the worse part about living in an apartment complex is being so closely packed in with people who can't speak at a normal decibel level. Every cell phone conversation is held just outside of each tenant's door for that extra signal bar. God help you if there's a pool on the premises when school's not in session.
2. Avoiding Small Talk Is A Challenge: Coming face to face with the people mentioned above can be a tricky thing. You don't want to be a dick but most of these people use the complex as a public forum for their private life and frankly you've heard enough. In short: you need to keep your cell phone handy and hope you got mail. Nothing beats a fake cell phone conversation about a car repair or surprise BBQ for your cousin. Be careful though because you'll need to switch it up if people get wise to you. I've found that shuffling through the PennySaver as you walk towards your apartment gives the impression that you're occupied and can get by with a simple "Hey" or "How are you".
3. Everyone Has A Learner's Permit: There are two white lines that help guide you into each parking space. These lines do not represent a suggestion. They are painted evenly for each car and each car is meant to fit within each set of lines. When you sign the renter's agreement you are signing for parking space number 1, not number 1 and a half. Get your shit together.
4. Poorly Installed Car Alarms Are The Devil: If you drive down our street and go above 30mph, you will set off car alarms. If you sneeze without warning or drop a fork on the floor, you will set off car alarms. If a bird chirps, you inhale, or a strand of grass sprouts from the ground, you will set off car alarms on our block.
5. Carrying Groceries Up A Flight Of Stairs Hurts My Back: It really does.
6. Hazard Light Abuse: When we were moving in we tried our best to do it discreetly. At non-peek hours of a weekday we brought in a couch, bed, table, and some cabinets. Little by little, box by box, we brought in all our stuff without trying to inconvenience anyone for too long. Sure, we parked in front of the complex with our hazards on for up to maybe 10 or 15 minutes. But we were moving in. I understand that when you live on a street with multiple complexes that this may occur more often than usual but we need to draw the line some place. People moving in, you are allowed to hazard it up for a reasonable amount of time. People picking up your kids, bringing in groceries, chatting it up with your drug dealer, or waiting for a friend do not have my blessing.
7. Beware of Landlords: In our search for shelter we met some great characters along the way but none ended up being as scatterbrained as our current landlady, Sandra. Sandra seemed overly nice at first, comforting us with her promises of no bugs and not allowing loitering on the front lawn. While she means well most of the time she is incredibly inconsistent and forgetful. Someone spray painted the front of the complex and she removed it within hours, but when I reminded her that our sink was leaking and made an appointment for the repairmen to come over she spaced out and lied about not having her phone to receive my inquiries. She can be the cheerful grandmother or the meth addict waiting for her next fix, it really is a toss up.

Moving, Sooner Than Later

It's happening pretty quickly, but we just put a $500 deposit down on an apartment and on July 1st it will officially be ours. The next two or three weeks will be hectic and I'm unsure if we'll have the internet so it might be some time before you see an update here. As of now I'm currently writing and posting this from my phone.

When I do get the internet expect a fairly thorough blog about helpful tips when looking for an apartment. Things like having credit, $500, and a savings account will go a long way. Also, we didn't jump the gun when looking around and were treated to numerous shitholes. Seeing bugs, moving and completely alive bugs in a bathtub, is a definite sign to keep looking. Anyways, more on that experience another day.

I'm working over the next 5 days, then I go back to Del Mar for another meeting, then we get the place officially on the 1st. Until next time this is your IEC host signing off.

- Mike O.

Turn-back Tuesday: Weird Al, His New Single, and Why I'm 5 Years Behind

[Note: Turn-back Tuesday has nothing to do with the failed and seldom updated postings previously known as Memory Lane Monday. That feature was horrible and this one is at least six times better.]

Coolio is an asshole. Years ago I was listening to Love Line and a caller asked him why he was upset about Weird Al's parody of Gangsta's Paradise. The caller asked why Weird Al had to get Coolio's permission and not Stevie Wonder's since Wonder owned the rights to the original Pastime Paradise which Coolio sampled. Coolio exploded. I can't remember any exact quotes but it went something like "I don't want to go there or get into that, next caller yo".

It wasn't until 2006 (five years ago) that the mighty C embraced the song and hugged it out with Al at the Consumer Electronics show. That picture (courtesy of rosiedemario.blogspot.com) just made my day. Shame on all of you for not letting me know this happened and for making me waste five extra years hating the dread-locked wonder.

All of this came about because Weird Al was trending on Yahoo! and Twitter. Worried, I hopped over to his Wikipedia to make sure everything was alright. That led to me finding the picture above as well as a link to his new Lady Gaga parody video, Perform This Way.

There's not much to say that you don't already know about Weird Al's music. He's the best at what he does and at 51 he still makes it look easy. The truth about parodies is that for every Naked Gun there's Scary Movie, for every Spaceballs there's Vampires Suck. Clever funny vs. stupid, mundane funny. Yankovic works hard at his craft so that something as silly as Fat and Smells Like Nirvana are as memorable as they are. Daniel (IEC Contributor) pointed out to me years ago that Don McLean, famous for his song American Pie, came close to singing Weird Al's Star Wars themed parody (The Saga Begins) at live shows because he was so happy with Al's work and his kids played the song nonstop. Al's ability to keep musicians humble and not take themselves so seriously will be his legacy once everything is said and done. My favorite line from Perform This Way is when he reveals, from Gaga's perspective, "No reason I should regret / All the attention I get / I'm not completely crazy / I perform this way". And while the entire song and video doesn't have the same replay value for me as White & Nerdy or Gangsta's Paradise, it provides a great laugh throughout and that's all that matters. You listen to Weird Al expecting to laugh and he still makes it happen 28 years after his first studio album.

UFZ: He's the Got No Green Lantern

Hype, it's the single greatest force in the universe, even more so than the willpower of Green Lantern Hal Jordan. Hype has the power to crush dreams or make days, it can pick us up when there's nothing left to look forward to or it can kick us in the metaphorical testicles.

For months this movie was built up as Star Wars for a new generation, I hate that statement. Star Wars is Star Wars, it has it's own place ( no where near and dear to my heart mind you). Green Lantern is an awesome story, rich in it's own mythology and at it's core all good Green Lantern stories are about overcoming fear and that's something we can all relate to. There's more than enough good material to tell a Green Lantern story and get people hooked without comparing it to anything.

Everyone that said this movie looks terrible can bite me, it's certainly not a revolutionary look but the look being translated to the big screen certainly was uncanny. The look of the movie is not an issue. Ryan Reynolds was great as Hal Jordan and that's who he's suppose to be the entire time. Green Lantern doesn't take on a different persona like Christian Bale in the bat suit nor should he. The breakaway performance was Mark Strong as Sinestro, he nailed the dictator like composure of the character.

The adapted for mass audience story in Green Lantern never really hits that emotional connection that the comics have. While it's probably not the worst story that could have been told on screen, you can tell this movie was not made for a comic audience, it's meant more to be a family adventure. I doubt DC will get any new readers based on this movie.

I would have liked to have seen Sinestro begin to make his transition to Hal Jordan's nemesis and possibly introduce the idea of the yellow lanterns. If there is another movie, I opt to replace director Martin Campbell, "Quantum of Solace" was a piece of crap but I gave him the benefit to the doubt. I wish he would stick to making independent films about gay cowboys eating pudding. He just seemed to not pick the right moments in this movie, I could draw better angles than he picked for some shots.

So far my favorite of the summer movies is X-Men, I have high hopes for Horrible Bosses. Green Lantern is a good movie but it's just not the emotionally gripping books brought to life. Warner Bros, DC comics and Green Lantern scribe Geoff Johns (who we all trusted because there are very few better writers in comics, I can only think of one) promised the world something epic and hopefully next time they'll realize you don't have to make something for everyone to be a success coughdarkknightcough.

I enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed Super 8, so 3 out of 5.

now to go see the angry lemons

- David N.