Sunday, May 31, 2009

Children's Day in Hungary

The last Sunday in May is Children's Day in Hungary. A day in which children are honored.

It's also the day they explain to Hungarian children that their national flag is just Italy's flag turned sideways.

Guess how hard it is to not make a Hungary-hungry-cannibalism joke when writing about Children's Day. Very.

See you in June assholes.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Si Se Puede

The next time you send me a text message, the following sound clip will play:

And yes, I edited the mp3 and added in some more "No"s.

De nada.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Icee vs. Slurpee: The War Is Over

Imagine my surprise when I searched Icee on Wikipedia and learned that Slurpees were made by the very same company, the ICEE company. This guy Omar Knedlik invented the Icee machine in the 1960s and in 1967 7-11 bought the rights to use the machine and trademarked their version of the drink now called Slurpee.

For years I've sat by and listened to countless arguments of Icee vs. Slurpee in the never ending debate of simplicity vs novelty. Blue and Red vs. Mountain Dew's Blue Shock and Code Red. There's so many Slurpee flavors it's hard to keep track, but I'm pretty sure how the recipes differ from one to the next:

Pina Colada flavor: 99% sugar, 1% white dye.
Minute Maid flavor: 99% sugar, 1% orange dye.
Starburst Dragon Fruit flavor: 98% sugar, 1% red dye, 1% mythical dragon.

Slurpee's efforts continue to this day as they add coconut and other weird flavors that you're forced to try. Some flavors you regret, and some you wish had never gone away (Bring back Mutant Berry. Who's with me?).

Remember that time you put a Coke in the freezer, forgot about it, and saw it's remains all over your Kid Cuisine frozen dinner boxes? I do. You were such a stupid kid.

That's what makes Slurpee's Coca-cola flavor so important in our lives and a staple in everyone's biweekly beverage habit.

Fantasy Baseball Update: Serenity Now To Hold Closed Door Player Meeting

The chance of me four-peating a fantasy baseball championship:
1% likely.

The chance of me making 30 moves over the next 30 minutes:
80% likely.

The percent daily value of total fat in a Juanita's 3.5 ounce nacho cheese sauce microwaveable cup:

This Week's Citizenship Award Goes To...

BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday.

Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests," Lai was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.


Outstanding job, Lian. While Americans are still arguing over the moral dilemma of assisted suicide you cut through the red tape and political jargon to get Chen Fuchao to his destination without hesitation.

For that, you receive the IEC Citizenship Award of 2009.

DJ Shadow's Diminishing Returns: A Review

So it's been about twelve days since the last blog and my excuse is valid: I have worked forty or more hours over the past three weeks and twice worked six days in a row. I've also ignored my guitar, vegetables, regular sleeping habits, and until thirty seconds ago my amazing Canon SD880 (see picture above). Without further delay, I'm back to the blog. Here is a simple review about something nobody who reads this blog will care about but will have to deal with since I'm waiting for more water bugs to write about. Enjoy:


In 2003 DJ Shadow performed a live two hour set on BBC Radio known as Diminishing Returns and everyone but me heard about it. The set was so popular that much like everything else not released officially was immediately bootlegged, then temporarily released on tour, and now was finally re-released officially this May. It's a limited-edition for a limited time only. Limited.

Why is everything this guy puts out always limited and rare? Guess how long it took me to win Brainfreeze and Product Placement off eBay for less than $30 a piece. I've lost most of you, but continue reading.

Shadow has traveled the world searching for new and unheard music. He owns one of the largest vinyl collections filled with so much obscure hip hop, folk, rock, and electronica-ish music that it's no wonder these rare live mixes are so popular. I don't know if it's the excitement of listening to something long forgotten or ignored, but nobody blends it better than Shadow.

Diminishing Returns was an impulse buy peaking out in Shadow's categorical slot at Amoeba. As a fan who knew of the BBC session but couldn't think of a song from it, I was forced to buy it at a mere $22.95 as opposed to $50 on eBay in two years. The first disc is a jumble of hip hop both old and new, obscure and popular, message oriented and party favored. It's followed by another eighty minutes of weird out rock mixed with folk songs and everything else I kind of expect from a DJ Shadow record.

It's a solid release, a 3.5 out of 5. It's a good thing I listened to it about four times before writing this since my first impression was unjust. If I'd never heard anything DJ Shadow related before this release I'd probably be more blown away. I've come to expect this weird out mash of dusty vinyl from him the same way we all expect the Lakers to make the playoffs each year even when most clubs don't.

I was expecting a championship win, but I'll take a division winner especially if it's from DJ Shadow.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Chris Rock Shoots, Scores

The best part about the Rockets/Lakers game going seven games: I will not be able to watch it and can therefore not be blamed for a loss.

A Lakers loss is a scary thought. Think about the current status of sports in Los Angeles:
  • Manny suspended 50 games for performance enhancers.
  • NHL playoffs continue without the Kings, who ended the season in second to last place in the Western Conference.
  • Mark Sanchez, beloved USC quarterback, opted for the draft.
  • UCLA Bruins were ousted in the second round of the NCAA tournament.
  • Everyone on the L.A. Galaxy MLS team died of swine flu.
  • The L.A. Avengers have yet to win the coveted Arena Bowl championship.
If the Lakers don't figure out a way to control Aaron Brooks (Chris Rock) and win game 7, you can bet we'll be sewing all these flags together to form a noose.

Ariza, now is your time to shine.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Brad Penny Is Dead To Me

Why Brad, why?

It's bad enough you're not a Dodger when we need you the most, now you're singing Don't Stop Believin'?

Mario, please contain your excitement.

Click here for the full story.

Monday, May 11, 2009


After all the excitement following game six of the Capitals/Penguins NHL playoff game I returned to the internet to receive this latest e-mail from Twitter:

Before I could even see the profile of this new Twitter follower of mine, the account was deleted.

Thanks to that hooter and the killjoys over at Twitter, I'll never get to know who or what Britney Fucked Vids really was.

American McGee's Alice: Sequel News

Alice is still my favorite PC game of all time. Earlier I came across some news that's about two months old and ten years overdue. There's a sequel in the works (see the artwork preview below) that would be released for PS3, Xbox 360, and PC. Here's the blurb:

REDWOOD CITY, Calif., Feb 19, 2009 (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Electronic Arts Inc and Spicy Horse today announced that they have signed a publishing deal for an all-new title based on EA's 2000 classic, American McGee's Alice(TM). The game reunites EA with American McGee, the creative visionary behind the original game. The new title is in development for the PC, PLAYSTATION(R)3 computer entertainment system and Xbox 360(R) video game console.

"This new project is a dream come true for me and the fans who've kept the Alice flame alive," said American McGee, senior creative director at Spicy Horse. "EA gave us creative latitude and support on the original game which resulted in something beautiful and daring. This trip through the looking glass promises to be even more exciting."


It's about time. Thanks for making us wait ten years to control Alice as she salts giant evil snails wearing steampunk devices in the darkest of realms.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

David's Explanation of Terminator Salvation

David's back with an early review of Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale. He submitted it 2 hours ago so we're forgoing any spell check procedure and posting it right away. Review ahoy:

The Plot. It’s pretty simple hide and seek, kill John Connor by killing his dad this time. Terminator movies have all followed the same basic alter the future plot. It's such a shame that no one since part two has really capitalized on the possibilities of the Terminator universe.

Action. Can there be too much action? Some of the scenes are awesome and big, but some could have been dropped in favor of more character development, in which there is very little.


I liked Terminator: Salvation as a popcorn movie. My expectations were mixed for this, so I think I was pretty levelheaded going in and not expecting too much or too little. There were plenty of cool scenes, a few lame scenes, and that really awful bookending of opening and closing shots. The middle chunk though is an enjoyable movie with some good thrills and fun sequences. As a side note, I stumbled upon T2 on direc TV last night while I was falling asleep, and was caught up again in Robert Patrick's big role. Today, I walked out of TS smiling for sure, but there wasn’t a single feeling in my body that Terminator: Salvation was anything more than a “just good enough sequel” to spend a few hours beating the early summer heat with. I’ll give it a 6.5 out of 10.

Know Your Enemy

This is not about the new Green Day single, which coincidentally has been played more times than Brain Stew or Don't Stop Believin' combined.

The picture you see above is of the "water bug" I met in in my bathroom sink. It also bares resemblance to the one seen yesterday in the shower, and one found the day before in the kitchen.

It's a terrible drawing but I dare any of you to google water bug and see if you sleep at night. Thought so.

I'm tired of seeing these things every summer. I'm also tired of calling them water bugs when they're clearly cockroaches. Looks like a roach, of the roach family, it's a god damn cockroach. Calling them water bugs to soften the blow of seeing one does not work. "Oh, it's just a water bug, it's not a cockroach."

The next time you're half asleep and you see one of these motherfuckers sitting in the Dixie cup you use to brush your teeth with tell me if calling it a water bug makes any difference.

I can't wait to spray Raid and watch it not work. Nature's assholes win again.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

2009 Dodgers Set MLB Record at Home

Forgive Us

My place of work is seconds from Orange County so from time to time I'll come in contact with other Caucasians who remind me why I don't live in that county. Today I was subjected to an extreme amount of "Bro"s which forced me to come home and post a classic piece from The Onion, circa 2007. Enjoy:

Bro, You're A God Among Bros
By Zach Caldwell

You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the Velvet Revolver show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch.

You are truly a god among bros.

Just when I think you're as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You're like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere. Seriously. If it weren't for you and your extreme brobility to hook a bro up when it is most croosh, I'd have been stuck in some bitch-ass seat, cramped all in the corner with a bunch of bitch-asses, bro. But you stepped up. You brovercame all obstacles to help a bro out. This is the kind of shit that makes bros for life.

Brody, I was so stoked when you told Gina to go eat a fat one after she asked if she could have your other ticket, even though you knew you could probably get a pretty deese HJ from her. Bros before hos, bro. That's what I'm talking about.

You are the king of all bros. Brotankhamen. You are the Ayatollah Bromeini. You are Broseidon, lord of the brocean.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I Believe You Can Get Me Through The Night

Dream Weaver

Against the advice of friends and Dodger fans alike, Daniel and I brought our jinx-worthy selves to tonight's Dodger game that featured the triumphant return of Jeff Weaver. Let's be honest, this was the game the Dodgers were destined to lose. An 11-0 record opening at home to start 2009 was sure to come to an end courtesy of an aged veteran with golden hair.

5 innings, 6 strikeouts, and 1 earned run later the blue crew were put in great position to keep the streak alive and prove to everyone that I'm not bad luck. Orlando Hudson continues to be my favorite Dodger this season after making two outstanding catches to save Weaver from doom.

While the win was great, two other non-game highlights were sure to follow: The first came while waiting in the stairs above the player parking lot. With Matt Kemp walking towards his car talking on his cell phone I made a few at-a-boy comments to which he responded with a polite wave and a "thanks!". The second highlight occurred when an elderly female stadium attendant walked along side us after the game explained that she was an Angel fan because they played with heart, something this Dodger team lacks. When Jeff Kent was mentioned she said he never played with heart which sent Daniel in a tirade as he proceeded to beat her senseless with his cell phone. Well not exactly. The old lady went unharmed even though her synopsis of Kent's play on the field was unfounded and ridiculous.

Here's to 12-0 at Dodger Stadium.

AdultSwim's Tim and Eric: No Comprende.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! has featured personalities like Weird Al, Bob Odenkirk, John C. Reily, Rainn Wilson, and Will Forte. All have played a part in the show, even Odenkirk gets credited with being a creative consultant. Am I missing something? I've watched four episodes (sober) and I just don't get it. Is this arbitrary comedy + complete weirdness that's not working for me or do I just need to be high?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Reality Check: Piglet Means You No Harm

(CNN) -- There had been no confirmed deaths in the United States related to swine flu as of Tuesday afternoon. But another virus had killed thousands of people since January and is expected to keep killing hundreds of people every week for the rest of the year.

That one? The regular flu.

People are nervous about swine flu, but the regular flu kills 36,000 people a year in the United States.


Friday, May 1, 2009

An Evening @ The Groundlings

Whose Line Is It Anyway? was annoying television. Drew Carey and four other comedians came around each week hoping to give America 22 minutes of laughs courtesy of half-written scripts, props, and the art of improv. This probably would have turned me off from improv forever had it not been for Saturday Night Live slip-ups or Curb Your Enthusiasm.

With a day off and free time to spend in traffic it was off to Cookin' With Gas, a two hour improvisational comedy show at The Groundlings Theater in Hollywood. Phil Hartman, Will Ferrell, Jon Lovitz, and countless other stars came from theaters like this where they were able to hone their skills in front of a hundred people a few nights a week. No bar, no props, just a few chairs on stage and 10 rows of cramped seating.

The walls in the lobby are covered in framed pictures of past performers and alumni so it's reminescent of the feeling you'd get from visiting a Hall of Fame. I'll admit I was pretty excited especially since many of the comedians I've enjoyed over the years put in so much work at places like this. Phil Hartman was on that same stage years ago.

Each week a special guest, typically an alum, appears with the regular cast of Cookin' with Gas. Last week it was Lisa Kudrow, this week it was Phil Lamarr from MadTV fame and Gary Anthony Williams from Malcolm in the Middle and Harold & Kumar.

It's too bad one of the surprise guests was not a surprise for me since I ran into Phil moments earlier at 7-11 and stared as he got a Slurpee.

Six cast members are directed by Karen Maruyama as she takes requests from the audience, filtering out the too vulgar or too silly (you might remember her as the Asian parking lot attendant that Larry David pretended to hold the elevator for). The improv sketches start with a main idea from Karen followed by an audible Madlib coming from the audience:

"Father/Son have heart-to-heart talk about..." --- "Making pancakes!"

"Bad stand-up routine from two guys who are..." --- "Parking lot valets!"

A roadtrip to Disneyland in a Smart Car, a faux play about a town called Westchester suffering from a plague, a pair of black fisherman talking about the Boston Tea Party. It was all good fun and all six cast members pulled their weight. Gary stole most of the show with his comedic timing and already proven acting skills so if he's there every week you're guaranteed laughs. I've never seen a black sexually-confused orphan in old London times played so well.

If you're bothered by any of this typed material, I promise you it was the definition of a you-had-to-be-there type of funny.

Improv isn't for everyone, but Cookin' With Gas with an ensemble headlined by Gary would convert the most annoyed person by this medium of comedy. See it!

Toyota Finds a Cute Way to Remind Me of My Lease

This is the exact e-mail I recently received from Penske Toyota, enjoy:

Dear Corolla:

"Happy Anniversary" from your friends at Penske Toyota Scion!

I hope you and Michael are getting along well and that Michael is taking good care of you. If you have any bumps and scratches, aches or pains, just come in and see us. We are here to care for you. As always if there is anything I can do, please call me at Penske Toyota Scion at 562-904-5600.

I hope you and your owner have an excellent day!

Eddie Swanenburg
General Manager
Penske Toyota Scion