Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Resurrection of Jeff Goldblum

So you already know about Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Billy Mays.

What you don't know is that Jeff Goldblum died too, according to several fake tweets that were actually used as a creditable source on Australian TV (video here). Jeff's classic appearance on The Colbert Report to refute the charges should not be missed by anyone.

As for the month of June, thanks for nothing.

Irony or Coincidence: Week 1

Each week I'll write a fictitious statement and you'll have to decide if it is either ironic or coincidental. That's it. Here goes Week 1:

Irish librarian killed by book filled with James Joyce poetry.

Let the voting begin!

Top 10 List: Real Men of Genius

It's been ten years since the first Bud Light Real Men of Genius commercial aired so without further adieu I bring you my very own Top 10 Best Real Men of Genius list (with some audio!):
  • #10: Mr. Baseball Designated Hitter [link]
  • #9: Mr. Fortune Cookie Fortune Writer [link]
  • #8: Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer [link]
  • #7: Mr. Indecisive Food Order Guy [link]
  • #6: Mr. Dishonest Cable TV Hooker Upper [link]
  • #5: Mr. New Shoe Tissue Paper Stuffer [no link]
  • #4: Mr. Basketball Court Sweat Whiper Upper [link]
  • #3: Mr. Professional Sports Leg Cramp Rubber Outer [no link]
  • #2: Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy [link]
  • #1: Mr. Rolling Cooler Cooler Roller [link]
Your own suggestions are welcomed, no matter how non-worthy they are of this top ten list. Also, do not submit your own creations. I have already written the best ones that Bud Light has yet to think of:
  • Mr. Refuses To Say God Bless You To Men's Sneezes Refuser
  • Mr. Eats Less Than Normal Around Hot Girls
  • Mr. Friend of Guy Who Got Kicked Out At Sporting Event Story Teller
  • Mr. Baseball Game Beer Spilling Spiller
Goodnight everybody!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Dodgers: Me Estas Tentando

Don't touch my glove
I'm just a bug
You need a dove
All of the drug

At Dodger Stadium or at home, every time I hear James Loney's batting music I can never make out the correct lyrics. Since I don't listen to urban radio stations any more I figured I'd never know the song's artist or title. Lucky for me Dodgers.com hooked a brother up by identifying the song, which just so happens to be on YouTube with all the lyrics scrolling by. Awesome:

While we're at it, let me introduce you to Manny's batting intro music with special English language captions [click here]. Here's some other player requested song highlights:
  • Hiroki Kuroda -- "Hero" by the Foo Fighters
  • Juan Castro -- "Lean Like A Cholo" by Down
  • Andre Ethier -- "Tres Delinquents" by Delinquent Habits
My favorite though has to be Randy Wolf, not because of the songs, but because he has requested two; one for when he's pitching ("Jambi" by Tool), and one for when he's batting ("Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins").

Hey Randy, way to force that balk tonight and knock in two runners.


Kobe Bryant Life Sized Bobblehead

What better way to celebrate Kobe than with this incredibly creepy, $13,000 life sized bobblehead. Pre-orders are available so act now and receive yours by September.

If that's not enough, you can remember the 2009 championship by watching the commemorative video I made featuring pictures from the Laker celebration at the Coliseum. I can't take full credit as the idea for the song was first detailed by IEC contributor Danny. Kobe Bryant!

Jell-O Shots Will No Longer Be A Staple Of My Diet

I have no choice but to boycott every Jell-O product after watching this ad from the 1960s.

Haso -_-

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Virginia: The Nip-Slip State.

Recently I've made it a personal goal to get better at United States geography and state facts.

In elementary school I had to design a parade-like-float showcasing the state of Colorado. A few rocky mountains, a picture of John Elway, and a huge print out of their flag. Thanks to said project I'll never forget why Denver's called the Mile-High City or that the state bird is the lark bunting (Not Todd Helton bunting).

This week I'm including all of you in my findings of Virginia, the Old Dominion State, since none of you know where Virginia is either you fuckers.

First we'll look at the state flag. Check out the nip-slip, very liberal. This is the kind of flag that would fly over my country. It looks like an ancient Eric Karros stepping on an even more ancient Luis Gonzalez in those old purple Diamondbacks jerseys. And yes, the rumors are true. There is a West Virginia, but their flag sucks balls.

Virginia is sandwhiched imbetween D.C. and North Carolina and has it's own coastal area. More importantly though, it's an 8 hour drive from Virginia to New York City, NY where you can actually do things. At 7.76 million people, Virginia gave us bands like GWAR, Lamb of God, and Dave Matthews Band and celebrities like Batista, Sandra Bullock, and Debbie Matenopoulos.

The state bird, largest city, and all that other boring stuff is easy to find so instead of discussing that I present to you a .43 second clip of Miss Virginia 2009:

Now you know enough about Virginia. Next week: Kentucky.

Apples and Oranges.

Apple now offers R-rated content on iTunes and early estimates are showing the most popular downloaded application is 'Hottest Girls', a slide show of nude hotties. Unfortunately I don't own an iPhone or use iTunes so I can't fulfill my journalistic duty by seeing and using the application for myself. I'm not calling MercuryNews.com a liar, but you wouldn't want me to review a movie I havn't seen yet would you?

It's not hard to figure out why this app became so popular so fast. Who wants to read a six month old Home & Garden magazine while waiting for your name to be called at the doctor's office when you could be looking at a virtual PlayBoy. Nothing creepy about that, right?

How far Apple goes with R-rated content may depend on how many people continue to download applications like this one. So tell your friends that if they want King Dong or Whore of the Worlds on their iPhone, they'd better get downloadin'.

Unrelated note: Reviews of the aforementioned movies will be provided next week by IEC contributor David.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Pale Man's Curse

The Sun is a mixture of gases - approximately 75% hydrogen and 25% helium. These proportions are changing over time as reactions in the Sun's core convert hydrogen into helium.

Don't let those chemical elements fool you. 75% hydrogen + 25% helium = Pure evil. Especially if you are forgetfully stupid and of pale pigment.

Why I forgot to put on suntan lotion before spending hours outdoors yesterday is a mystery to me. I keep a bottle in the trunk of my car for no reason apparently. For a while I've been trying to decide on a mascot for IEC and what would be more fitting now than a lobster wearing a Tribe Called Quest shirt eating a snow cone (David, please draw that for me).

While I follow a steady diet of Aloe Vera and water I'd like to quickly comment on the home remedies I googled yesterday that are supposed to help sunburns:
  • Water and Vinegar: I know these Do It Yourself remedies are created for convenience and low cost, but I can't think of anything worse smelling than vinegar. I don't care if it works, I'm not smelling like a terrible salad or gross potato chip.
  • Tomato Juice: How many things does this stuff cure? Got a sunburn- tomato juice. Need antioxidant lycopene to prevent cancer- tomato juice. Sprayed by a skunk- tomato juice. Want to throw up your lunch- V8.
  • Cucumbers, Onions, Potatoes: Stop right there. If you have these and the above items it's time to open your own SubWay.
  • Yogurt: "Use it to cool the skin on your face" remarked one site. Do I even have to comment on this? Abel, do not ask me to use this method.
  • Crushed Aspirin Mixed With Water: Probably the only realistic non-food related one I found.
So remember, use suntan lotion or you'll suffer from nightmares about that smiling sun on the Raisin Bran box.

Ticketmaster's Vulgarity

My apologies to those of you seeking non-sports related blogging, it's been a big part of this month. More water bug/Icee related type of blogs are coming soon, but until then here is what Ticketmaster asked me to type in when I went searching around for Dodger tickets:

Sunday, June 14, 2009

They'll get your car, tag your building, or break your windows.

Here are some afterthoughts from today's win:
  • Los Angeles is not the only city prone to riots following a championship win. [See here.]
  • There are never enough women involved in riots. Is it less fun to watch a Jenny or Jessica throw a firework in the middle of a crowd? Get out there, ladies!
  • Hours after the game ended you still can't hear anything other than sirens and horns.
  • Get an Mbenga Signed 8x10 on ebay for less than $20. [link]
  • I will give you the $20 needed for that Mbenga 8x10 if you can make any sense of Shaq's tweet from an hour ago: "@Flyassmill diesel dnt slurp but I do give props make and got to much to slurp, come on now u know betta dan that now smak yurself stop hidn --

Monday, June 8, 2009

Hey hey, you you, try to hit my curve ball.

Avril threw the first pitch at a Blue Jays game four days ago. Here's the best video in the world:

And it really goes without saying, but fuck all of you.

Also, the first person to poke fun at "I've been signing balls all day" will be banned from IEC.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Carlos Beltran (Abel) to Pirates: You Suck!

Dodgers/Giants, Yankees/Red Sox, and Cubs/Cardinals will pale in comparison to the soon to be rivalry of Pirates/Mets.

You'd think Andre Ethier's back-to-back walk off wins would make top billing this Sunday morning, but instead the leading story for IEC comes courtesy of SportsByBrooks.com which has shed light on recent comments by Abel err Carlos Beltran and Adam LaRoche. Read:

>> Earlier this week, the Mets were swept by the perennially pathetic Pirates, and that didn’t sit well with some of the New York players. Centerfielder Carlos Beltran went as far as to call it an embarrassment, adding, “I know they’re a big-league ball club, but we’re better than them.

In return, such conceited comments didn’t please some of the Pittsburgh players, particularly Adam LaRoche. As far as the Pirates first baseman is concerned, Carlos is like school in summertime - no class.

With the Pirates down in Houston, the PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE caught up with LaRoche to get Adam’s angry response to Beltran’s bellyaching:

I think it shows zero class and zero professionalism,” the Pirates’ first baseman said yesterday at Minute Maid Park. “When somebody says that, they know what they’re saying, and they know it’s going to get out. He knows we’re not going to be real happy about it. If you go and say that to your buddies, it’s one thing. If you go to the media and make that public for us to hear? Yeah, that’s no class.”

But LaRoche saved his best lashing-out for last:
You know, if we’re as bad as he says we are and we swept them, then what’s that make them? <<


Simply awesome.

Friday, June 5, 2009

David @ E3: Put Your Power Gloves On

David's back from E3 and is ready to share his experience with all IEC readers. There was minimal editing done on my part as David's typing skills have improved ten fold. I will add that he did not submit the picture he took with a guy in a Sonic costume most likely because it's just funnier if you picture it for yourself. Away we go:

Another E3 has come and gone at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Between the 40,000 people attending and the outside protesters of Electronic Arts DANTE'S INFERNO, it's safe to say the E3 that matters in the world of entertainment is back. You've more than likely already heard the "Big" announcements, so IEC will bring you the rest. We'll rate the big three companies, girls in outfits their parents told them was a bad idea and people who aren't paid enough to be in those character costumes. If you've driven through downtown LA this week, you've no doubt seen all the ominous banners outside the convention center not commemorating championships. (T Ariza can take care of that) From the minute the show floor opened on Tuesday, it was a non stop bonanza of free T-Shirts and light shows not meant for the seizure prone. I wonder if that guy notices the giant marshmallow man behind him

The best games announced by nintendo were no where to be found. Mario Galaxies 2 and Metroid alone would have given them a much needed boost against Xbox and Playstation. Not faring well among it's competition, Nintendo still managed to show a few unexpected supriseses.

Scribblenauts (nintendo DS)
First, the concept for those who haven't been following the game: players control the game's character Maxwell whose task is simple: collect a star within the specific level. By himself he just doesn't have the means to acquire the star because they're placed in locations that are juuuuuust out of reach. So he needs help. Your help. Using your vast vocabulary of nouns, drop items in the area to help him get to that star. If there's a dirt wall in the way, call up a shovel. Need to get to higher ground? give him a set of wings. This was awesome!

Wii Resort
This update to the sports pack that came with the Wii system is a great expansion. Making use of the new wii motion plus technology, the game opens up sports that weren't possible during the Wii launch. I got to try basketball and it felt just like the machines we all never got prize tickets out of. Archery was also very impressive, if they can get the calibration right. The wiimote seemed to loose it's center after every round. Once it ships in September, I'll be getting my Wii out of the pawn shop.

2009 is not going to be sony's year, no GOD of WAR in 2009. They lost a big exclusive with Metal Gear and most multi platform games are developing content for microsoft. If not for two surprise titles, Sony would have had a worse outing than nintendo.

Tekken 6
Since I had no idea there was a Tekken 5, it's a big step up. It looks awesome and will definitely slow down work place production everywhere.

Uncharted 2
I never played the first game, but the sequel hitting retail this fall may make that irrelevant. The game not only packs a 16-20 hr single player campaign, but it also has a multiplayer vs mode and a co-op story mode. Uncharted 2 definitely caught me off guard as one of the best games of the show. If you've never heard of this franchise, picture national treasure with 30x the action and better acting.

Xbox360- You know about Halo and Gears of War, we'll talk about what you don't know, NATAL. After the press conference video, I imagined it as just another gimmick like the playstation eyetoy. I was wrong...

While not on the show floor, on Tuesday night at a hotel in Los Angeles, thanks to a dear friend of mine we attended an exclusive no pictures or video media event. I got to test Microsoft's next evolutionary step. All in all, I found Project Natal to be quite refreshing. It's nowhere near the gimmicky device I originally took it for and the fact that it works already on a retail Xbox 360 (Burnout was running on an "out of the store" model, no debugs or special systems required) says a lot about its current stage of development. To say that I'm anxious to see where Microsoft, and it's horde of third party developers, takes his next is an understatement. I'm a bit sad that I didn't get to meet Milo though.

Forza Motorsport 3 on the show floor I got beat : ( To bad she can't drive in real life hahaha

This thing was amazing, playing in Abbey Road studios to the rooftop concert every Beatles moment recreated. The new instruments are all authentic 1:2 scaled versions of what the band played. I cant say enough good things about this, especially when I was getting tired of music games as a whole.

Development team rocks behind closed doors

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 While the game was shown behind closed doors, no camera or video allowed. I got to see the live demo. New maps, new weapons, more story, better everything! Overall Best of Show.

There were protesters outside of the convention center, angry at Electronic Arts for make the Dante's Inferno game. Chant's of "trade your playstation for a praystation" rang out. They also call EA, "Electronic Antichrist". I'm sure many a japanese tourist were given a free show in democracy.

Best Booth-
Batman Arkham Asylum (it's also the best game you will play in the next 30 days) sick!

Worst TV-
While most of the booths were running on panasonic or Vizio TV's, one lone booth made a stand for price over quality.

Character costumes-
I'm a sucker for classics, Sonic stopped for a quick picture

Raphael was the only one looking at my camera

Stuff We All Get-
This was the part of the show that needs to pick up again. In the years past this pile would have been easily 7x bigger. Three pairs of aviator glasses and free batteries aint gonna cut it.

I even met loyal IEC readers there, waldo wants his corolla back Mike.

Celebrity Sightings-
Missed Mickey Rourke on Tuesday, but I did catch a few sights.
That African American woman is too happy to meet Eliza Dushku.

DJ Ztrip and DJ Hero( not on my top list)

Future Ex Wives
The return of the big show marked the return of the women who moved to LA with dreams of being an actress. I asked what strip club she'd be at tonight

The one on the left kind of looks like lisa.

The one in the glasses(which I will marry) turned me down, never ask out a woman when your ex girlfriend is right next to you.

Mike for you, I also found some girls who like guys that compare ICEE's and slurpee's

My favorite and winner of IEC's best, (because the blonde one gave me a free IMAX ticket

That's the Show, one man can't cover everything. Next year Mike will petition for a media credential that way 3 people will get all acesss passes.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sneak Preview: David Live @ E3

IEC correspondant David sends this picture in from E3, the Electronic Entertainment Expo held at the Los Angeles Convention Center. A recap of all the events and goings-on will be provided in the next few days, but until then wait patiently while David gathers his thoughts on the latest Beatles release for Rock Band and Microsoft's "Project Natal".

Contest: Can you guess what carted food item David is eating, right now? Is it...

A. Super Pretzel with cheese
B. Italian sausage with with green peppers and onions
C. Roast beef sandwich on rye
D. Chicken Nachos
E. None of the above. David only eats fresh fruits and vegetables.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Live Blogging @ 11:30pm: Conan's Debut

11:20pm: Local anchor Fritz Coleman interviewing Conan, thanks to Fernando for the tip.
11:22pm: Just as I was beginning to wonder if Fritz still did weather on NBC, he notifies me it will be 78 degrees in Temecula tomorrow.
11:33pm: Closed captioning provided by Mathis Brothers furniture.
11:37pm: Cheap Trick's "Surrender" plays as Conan runs from NY to LA. Goodness.
11:39pm: Holy shit I forgot Andy was announcing.
11:42pm: "It's like a Backstreet Boys reunion." - "My name is now Conando."
11:49pm: Extended monologue going very well, lots to talk about. All jokes are on par. Moving onto a tram tour at Universal.
11:55pm: Cir-cle, cir-cle, cir-cle. Fucking hilarious. Can't wait to watch that again on Hulu.
12:06am: Tribute to the famous Ford Taurus. One of many Fabio cameos to come.
12:08am: Veronica owns up to crashing the blogger server and depriving millions of my important commentary. Way to go!
12:14am: Will Ferrell being his usual self, the interview gets split in two which is standard when he's there. Any time he raises his voice to yell is always entertaining. I liked his admission of using the CB radio instead of Twitter.
12:19am: "Liza's a communist."
12:25am: Pearl Jam is coming up next with a remix of "Daughter" produced by Sir Mix-A-Lot.
12:32am: What the hell was that? "I got some if you need it. I got some if you need it." This some they speak of is quantities of suck. Mario is in tears.


Not much to say other than it was a great debut and was what we've all come to expect from Conan. A few other fan sites on the east coast were asking for more Andy since they didn't know this was the first of a thousand episodes to come. Whatever, no complaints here, I'll be tuned in as much as possible. Goodnight.

A Brief Comment: The Tonight Show

Is there anyone more seemingly disingenuous than Jay Leno? He can ace the monologue and JayWalk all he wants, but every time I've seen him interviewing anyone it all feels so scripted, rehearsed, and unnatural. Don't get me wrong, the pre-interview questions are essential for late night talk shows so there's at least something entertaining to dicuss. But what he does with his approach to interviewing guests makes me cringe. Always making sure to get through all the bullet points on that tiny blue card and forcing a segue to the next question without regard to any previous answers. Even in his final interview with Conan, Leno seems overly rushed and rehearsed.

Am I biased? Is it because I grew up watching The Simpsons and would later appreciate his work on Saturday Night Live 3am reruns? Is it because Conan's quick to self-depricate attitude and Late Night's brand of humor is more appealing in general to me than anything on the Tonight Show?

Poppycock. Jay Leno is terrible at feigning interest authentically. I've never watched an entire Tonight Show hosted by either Leno or Johnny Carson, but even Carson seems more genuine in 2 minute infomercials for those Best Of DVDs than Leno does in a 10 minute interview with Will Smith.

Here's to Conan getting what's deserved and to Leno's fading into obscurity.