Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Pink Elephants On Parade

That fuzzy piece of evidence was snapped in a hurry as the drunk driver of an SUV was being handcuffed and taken away for smashing into three parked cars just outside our complex. Watching the aftermath made me feel lucky for avoiding that kind of drama a few years ago when I'd take my chances at the wheel before sobering up. Either way, here's a list of things you or your party probably shouldn't do or say when being busted for a D.U.I.:

  1. Don't Try To Reason With The Sober: My fiancee called the police moments after the crash. While waiting for the cops to come, the driver's man (aka wannabe Pitbull) tried to reason with the damaged property's owners. Yo man I promise yo we gonna take care of it, naw I'm sayin'.... When on earth has that ever worked? Besides, I just signed up with Allstate and they won't give you a dime unless you have a police report.
  2. Don't Try To Be Smart: Your girl is wasted, she fucked up, take it like a champ. Don't tell the cops what to do especially if you're just as buzzed. Relax and quit whining.
  3. Now Is Not The Time To Try Being Tough: "Who is your supervisor? I want to speak to your supervisor!". Wow. Do you really think that's going to stop your heina from being arrested? Not to mention the fact that when the supervisor arrives you cower in fear and pretended like you didn't say anything.
  4. Don't Make Jokes About The Police When They Can Clearly Hear What You Are Saying Over There: How do you not know about this rule?
  5. Don't Talk Any More: After you've thrown your tantrum, tried to reason with the police or the other parties, just shut the hell up. This guy was walking around the street trying to tell everyone to go back in their homes and mind their own business. He resorted to calling the neighborhood "janky". Reality check: You're only drunk; you didn't get in a time machine to 1978 when people last used that word.

Apartment Life: The H.Y.D.T. Update

If anyone wants a free shirt there's a child's size medium that has been laying in motor oil for a few weeks now and can be yours if you act now. For anyone not interested in this limited time offer please continue reading.

We're going on five months here at the new apartment and there's been loads of new discoveries. For example, it has never been more apparent to us that children act the way that they do because their dumb shit parents allow it. Bang on the walls? Sure. Bang on the front screen? Yep. Bang on the couch and slam the closet doors at random hours? Oh hell yeah. I, like most of you, fight the urge to be that guy. You know, the guy that tells other parents to keep their kids quiet in a movie theater or the one who asks someone else's infant to stop making a mess of the pillow pets at the store. Any of that can open up the flood gates to phrases like "Don't tell me how to raise my kids" and creates confrontation that isn't worth the trouble. In the end, you just have to ignore it the best you can and accept that most young parents are a bunch of lazy inconsiderate assholes.

Another fun surprise has been the cast of characters we didn't expect to meet from living in close quarters. There's the old dude that sometimes shaves outside with a broken mirror and a straight razor that always asks "How Y'all Doin' Today?" even if you're walking alone. "How Y'all Doin' Today?" (or H.Y.D.T. as I like to call it) was asked of me at least three times yesterday, a new record. Carrying laundry to your car? How Y'all Doin' Today. Running late for work? How Y'all Doin' Today. It's H.Y.D.T. 24/7, 365. My favorite moment occurred just recently when the H.Y.D.T. man asked if my employer was hiring for the season. That conversation went about as awkward as you'd think. Some other characters include the asshole who drives the Honda and thinks the parking garage is a NASCAR track, the middle aged lesbian who thinks the doorway to the apartment is the set of LifeChangers with Dr. Drew, and the idiot female driver who can never, ever seem to park between the lines of her parking space.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for the next apartment life update. Until then, ask yourself: How Y'all Doin' Today?

Friday, November 11, 2011

Pink's On A Wednesday Night At 7:38pm

I'm on pace to work six days this week so the Mrs. and I spent my only day off heading north to visit The Grove, Farmer's Market, and finally to Pink's. Normally this visit would also include a trip to Amoeba Music, but I still haven't listened to all the new music I bought from the last time we went and that was over a year ago I think.

Two years ago I wrote about traveling to Pink's alone (bew hew) and ordering the fattiest thing they had. I just re-read that blog and it made me glad that I don't live around the block from this place. It's not hard to picture me wolfing down chili dogs on a routine basis and besides it would take away some of the fun of coming here and making it an event.

Wednesday night there were two people in line and they had just gotten done ordering as we arrived. This was the first time I'd ever seen no line at this place so like a dorky tourist I snapped a picture and sent it to Ripley's. Not really, but you get the idea.

And so my November blogging hiatus is over. Expect at least another ten blogs before the month is over. Shalom.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Remember, Remember the 25th of November

The 25th of November bring a Friday that's black

A Friday in which I wish I could turn time back

People line up in droves to buy useless things

New employees not knowing what black Friday brings,

A Friday where people wait in line about 3 days ahead

The smells so repulsive, they stink worse than the dead

Missing Thanksgiving dinner thinking they'll get a steal

But how is saving 20 dollars on a piece of shit dynex a deal?

Sure store had bargains but that was a long time ago

Now retailers push out crap to customers because "What do they know?"

God forbid you get the last laptop deal and want to take it to your place

Because now you gotta look out for the black guy trying to punch you in the face,

This 25th of November take notice to what I said

The best way to spend black Friday is at home in your bed

I know this time last year this blog was filled with the same rants

But Im just trying to spare everyone a day standing behind someone who just shit there pants.

me > Russell Simmons' def poetry jam
-Lozano out