Saturday, January 29, 2011

I Can Feel It Blogging In The Air Tonight

First off I'd like to say that I hope that the tens of thousands of readers out there are having a great start to the year. I'm kind of hoping that the care meter breaks 10k before the start of another exciting season of Dodger baseball, fuck you McCourts! Anyways, This week I'd like to discuss a topic that is near and dear to my heart, the thorn in my ass that is the window shopper.

I don't have any problems with window shoppers, the problem I have is with the imbeciles who know full well that they're not going to buy anything but yet feel compelled to signal you over from about 50 feet away in order to explain to them the in's and out's of 3D television. 9 times out of 10 these morons own a 26 inch dynex/insignia/coby/vizio tv and watch it on basic cable, why the fuck do you need to know everything about a tv that costs over 2 grand? The only worse than the fact that you're wasting my time is the stupid look on the customers face when you explain something to them, its as if you're explaining advanced Chinese calculus.

Also on my list of people who chap my ass are the customers who feel the need to have everything price checked for them, especially the ones that want you to give them the price with tax. Are you kidding me? Look here you fucking mook, if you really need to know the price of something after tax, 1, you really should be spending your welfare check on something more useful like electricity and 2, I don't know how the 500 dollar price tag doesn't scare you away, yet somehow the 47 dollars in taxes make or break the deal. So the next time someone wearing pajama pants and is holding a kid that smells like its diaper hasn't been changed in about three days asks you for a price check, you tell them to go eat a dick.

Last but certainly not least on my list aren't window shoppers, no, I've got a bone to pick with the people who let their kids run around the god damn store like its some kind of day care center. Keep those things on a leash if you're not going to watch over them. I'm tired of your idiot kids running around the supermarket like they're on fire getting their booger covered hands on shit that isn't on the WIC list. There should also be some kind of policy at Toys R Us that doesn't allow you into the store with children if you're not going to buy them anything. I completely understand that it's not the kids fault for wanting all kinds of things there, hell I go in there now and I cant help but want to go home with half the store. But the next time I'm looking at a lego star wars set and someone let's their idiot kid ride around the store on a bike, the next lap is gonna be your little Lance Armstrong's last because I'm going to clothesline them off that fucking huffy.

I'd also like to give a special thanks out there to all the people who complain about displays not working. If the shit's not working, just deal with it, you know you're not buying it anyway. Stop busting my dick over a SLR camera not working when you're going to be at Chuck E Cheese taking pictures with your metro pcs phone, you fucking dunce.

Speaking of Chuck E Cheese, stop letting your kid go off and join someone else's birthday party. I'm tired of seeing lil Tyrone trying to get cake and tokens from the Nguyen's.

That's all for this week, see you at yogurtland, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jury Duty @ the Compton Courthouse: Justice For Y'all

For the second time since turning eighteen I received a jury summons. Clearly I either need to stop voting or join in with the rest of you who just throw away the letter and move on.

The good news is that I received a full eight hours worth of pay from work and I didn't have to deal with anybody asking me the difference between LCD, LED, and Plasma. Add to this the fact that I again made it all the way to the jury panel only to be kicked off for answering questions as truthfully as possible. It seems as though everyone who answered the judge's question of "Have you, your family, or any close friends ever had any negative experiences with a police officer?" were rightfully removed from the jury even after answering "No." to the judge's follow up question of "Will that negative experience impact a judgment you'll have to make in this case?".

By the second day I was already in "Ah, fuck it. Why not?" mode and was beginning to look forward to getting paid to serve on a jury. I'd already invested so much time already and plus they were giving us 90 minute lunch breaks which allowed me ample time to walk to the Popeye's right across the street on Compton Blvd (I recommend the spicy chicken strips, biscuit, Cajun fries, and most importantly the freshly brewed sweet tea). Not to mention the Compton Superior Court House is also incredibly easy to maneuver around and the bathrooms and cafeteria were five-star. Signs of where to go are posted everywhere and the parking situation is a breeze. The place is dummy proof.

The most frustrating part of all this is that I prepared myself for the excitement of getting all judicial with it only to be excused for no legitimate reason that I can think of.

Really? You're going to keep me there for two days, select me to the jury panel, ensure that I can be unbiased and then release me? It's no wonder that it took two days for them to form what they call an acceptable jury panel. The questioning and re-questioning of your answers simply takes too much time and everybody has something to say. Truthfully, the odds of someone living in Los Angeles and not having a bad experience with a cop are relatively low. Almost as low as the chance that anyone reading this blog has ever seen 1995's Jury Duty. Even if you didn't make a big deal about the negative experience (traffic ticket, incidental macing, profiling, accidental beating, etc;) it seemed that you weren't fit to judge police officers who were going to testify against a defendant.

Despite that nonsense there were some great moments to be had.

The Compton Superior Court House pulls people from all over Los Angeles including the more densely pale areas of Downey, Norwalk, Torrance, Cerritos, Pico Rivera, and Gardena. While waiting in a crowded elevator with several other potential jurors an overweight black woman tries to enter from the second floor and as she squeezes her portly forearm in my back she yells "ARE THERE ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS ELEVATOR?". Much to my amusement the shorter, fatter black lady that has her buttery elbow stuffed into my right side replies with "Oh Child- I'm here with you. You'll be alright!".

Then of course you have the guys parked outside of the courthouse on North Acacia Ave. that try to sell you bootlegs. No, Dominiq, I would not like to purchase True Grit from your unmarked black van.

Potential jurors provide a lot of entertainment especially when they share stories of no relevance to questions asked or do the opposite of what the judge instructs. For example, you're specifically ordered not to Google or search the internet for the defendant's name or case but on day two a lady explained that she could no longer be impartial because she read about the story in the Press Telegram. When asked "Have you ever been the victim of a crime?" some foreign kid spoke of the time where he wasn't sure if he just lost his wallet or if it was stolen from him. When asked "Do you have close friends or family in law enforcement?" a young woman explained that one of her friend's uncle's cousin's brother's aunt's grandfather was part of the parking lot attendant team at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. It never ends. In addition there will always be jurors who got confused and waited hours in the non-juror line and showed up late to the courtroom only to be stared at and mocked by the judge. That was the icing on the cake.

So, Judge John T. Doyle of Department F on the 10th floor, if you're reading this I have one thing to say: You owe me three days worth of Louisiana chicken strips and a gallon of sweet tea.

- Mike O.

Highway to the Danger Zone

I know what you're thinking and before you begin to get all wet because this is about Kenny Loggins or Top Gun, it's not, settle down. No this is actually about driving on the freeway and the dickheads who don't follow proper driver etiquette. These are things that aren't taught in drivers ed class, but yet have been picked up by most drivers in some way, shape or form.

Now I'm pretty sure most people already know about the left lane of the freeway, not the carpool lane, but the fast lane. Most drivers are well aware that if you want to go about 20 mph's or more over the speed limit this is the lane to do it in. I'm not trying to say it's okay to do about 90 on the freeway, what I'm saying is that it's not alright for someone to do less that 75 in that lane. I don't understand why drivers refuse to change over to the right lane when they see a car about to get in there ass in the rear view mirror. I don't care if your doing 100, if the car behind you is doing 105, get the hell out of the way.

The only thing worse than someone who refuses to change lanes to the right are the drivers who go below the speed limit on the freeway. Seriously what the fuck is that all about? If someone refuses to go over 60 on the highway, then they need take the god damn street because they're obviously not in any hurry. There isn't any need for a beat up astro van to take up valuable space on the 105 when they can simply drive down Imperial and fit right in.

Last but certainly not least are all the god damn drivers who slow down and stare every time an accident occurs. Why in the blue hell are people slowing down for? They need to pass some kind of law that allows drivers to plow into the back of assholes who slow down to stare at shit they can do absolutely nothing about. I really doubt doctors and emt's drive around in 89 sentra's or old datsun trucks with a leaf blower in the back, andale Jose, you're slowing me down.

In closing I'd just like to say keep your hands at 10 and 2, drive defensively and in the words of the great rapper Ludacris "move bitch, get out the way."

- Abel L.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Happy 2011!: Resolution Denied

Just 5 days into the year and I figure what better time to write about things that are already pissing me off. None of these things have gotten to me really, it's just that I cant think of anything to really write about and combining that with the fact that I have the attention span of a squirrel, why not strike while the iron's hot.

The first thing I'd like to give a toast to are bus stop patrons. I know waiting for the bus sucks, actually no I don't, I hate the bus. I remember walking about 5 miles in chuck's in about 95 deg weather every day just because I didn't want to take the bus like common folk back in 99. I'm not here to complain about the bus though, i'm here to shit on all the impatient people waiting for it. Every bus bench with more than 5 people waiting always seems to have one person who stands in the middle of the god damn street looking down the road as if the sight of them is gonna cause the bus driver to step on it and run all the lights. What the hell are these people doing standing in the middle of the street looking at their watch for anyway? The way I see it is you only have 2 options at that point, stand on the curb patiently sipping on an arizona tea or pick up your crap and walk. Something tells me most people rather get hit by the bus rather than walk away from it.

The last thing I'd like to bitch about is candy bar prices. What the hell is going on here? I went to Walgreens like a week ago with a dollar in my pocket looking to pick up a peanut butter twix (the caramel ones can suck my dick) and I cant believe I had to pay for it with my atm card because it was more than a dollar, to make matter worse it wasn't even that king size one with four bars. What is the world coming to when you cant even enjoy the sugary goodness of your favorite candy bar with the change on your pocket (if your favorite candy bar is almond joy or mounds, may you burn in hell) Christ, a bag of skittles now a days costs as much as a double cheese burger at McDonalds.

Thats all I got for now, Lozano out.

- Abel L.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

This Is A Test

Just when you thought I couldn't get any more lazy I found an Android application called "Blogaway" that allows me to post articles from my phone. No more opening my laptop, hitting the power button, and waiting for Vista to take three minutes to properly load. This means that now I can post frequently about an even larger amount of trivial things.

I'm not too sure how to work with photos, paragraph separation, font editing, or spell check yet. It's also a hell of a lot harder to type on my phone verses the laptop so this might turn out to be pointless after all. Here's to hoping that this makes it easier for me to upload your e-mailed blogs sooner and that the photo I selected from the SD card in my phone uploads properly.

Testing complete. Goodnight.