Thursday, June 18, 2009

Pale Man's Curse

The Sun is a mixture of gases - approximately 75% hydrogen and 25% helium. These proportions are changing over time as reactions in the Sun's core convert hydrogen into helium.

Don't let those chemical elements fool you. 75% hydrogen + 25% helium = Pure evil. Especially if you are forgetfully stupid and of pale pigment.

Why I forgot to put on suntan lotion before spending hours outdoors yesterday is a mystery to me. I keep a bottle in the trunk of my car for no reason apparently. For a while I've been trying to decide on a mascot for IEC and what would be more fitting now than a lobster wearing a Tribe Called Quest shirt eating a snow cone (David, please draw that for me).

While I follow a steady diet of Aloe Vera and water I'd like to quickly comment on the home remedies I googled yesterday that are supposed to help sunburns:
  • Water and Vinegar: I know these Do It Yourself remedies are created for convenience and low cost, but I can't think of anything worse smelling than vinegar. I don't care if it works, I'm not smelling like a terrible salad or gross potato chip.
  • Tomato Juice: How many things does this stuff cure? Got a sunburn- tomato juice. Need antioxidant lycopene to prevent cancer- tomato juice. Sprayed by a skunk- tomato juice. Want to throw up your lunch- V8.
  • Cucumbers, Onions, Potatoes: Stop right there. If you have these and the above items it's time to open your own SubWay.
  • Yogurt: "Use it to cool the skin on your face" remarked one site. Do I even have to comment on this? Abel, do not ask me to use this method.
  • Crushed Aspirin Mixed With Water: Probably the only realistic non-food related one I found.
So remember, use suntan lotion or you'll suffer from nightmares about that smiling sun on the Raisin Bran box.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

awww. poor thing. too bad youre not as brown as you tend to speak, you would be nice and golden right now. also just keep putting on light moisturizer. it helps with the peeling and isnt as sticky as aloe.