Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wolverine To Host Oscars

Of course his driver's license says "Hugh Jackman", but we all know in our heart of hearts he's Wolverine. And if I were any good at Photoshop you would have at least seen the Oscar Statue with adamantium claws or a picture of Wolverine behind a podium wearing a tux.

Instead, here is my list of things the real Wolverine would say, do, or feel if he hosted The Oscars.
  • Works the word "bub" into every reading of both male and female nominees.
  • Makes small-talk with Oscar joke writer Bruce Villanch backstage.
  • Kills Bruce Villanch.
  • Is unsettled by the amount of Sentinels used as seat fillers.
  • Bothered by the glare from Xavier's head, Wolverine ruins the final choreographed steps in the opening music and dance number.
  • Goes on 25 minute rant about how great Tom Hanks is.
  • Ignores Jubilee's positive cheers heard from the furtherst section in the upper balcony.
  • When the teleprompter goes out, Wolverine improvises with "Best Gay Character In A Comic Book Series" category as camera pans on to Cyclops.
  • Can't stop glaring at Storm for some reason.
  • Sarcastically thanks Iceman for his help and explains how he couldn't have done it without him.
  • Refuses to shave or remove mask.
  • Wonders why his gift basket is the only one labeled "Mutant".

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