Wolverine To Host Oscars

Of course his driver's license says "Hugh Jackman", but we all know in our heart of hearts he's Wolverine. And if I were any good at Photoshop you would have at least seen the Oscar Statue with adamantium claws or a picture of Wolverine behind a podium wearing a tux.

Instead, here is my list of things the real Wolverine would say, do, or feel if he hosted The Oscars.

• Works the word "bub" into every reading of both male and female nominees.
• Makes small-talk with Oscar joke writer Bruce Villanch backstage.
• Kills Bruce Villanch.
  
• Is unsettled by the amount of Sentinels used as seat fillers.
• Bothered by the glare from Xavier's head, Wolverine ruins the final choreographed steps in the opening music and dance number.
• Goes on 25 minute rant about how great Tom Hanks is.
• Ignores Jubilee's positive cheers heard from the furtherst section in the upper balcony.
  
• When the teleprompter goes out, Wolverine improvises with "Best Gay Character In A Comic Book Series" category as camera pans on to Cyclops.
• Can't stop glaring at Storm for some reason.
• Sarcastically thanks Iceman for his help and explains how he couldn't have done it without him.
• Refuses to shave or remove mask.
• Wonders why his gift basket is the only one labeled "Mutant".