Exciting New Products I Can't Afford

This is not my version of a ShamWow commercial, I promise.

Back in Phoenix I was introduced to something called "kaleidoscope", a program that uses your computer + remote + television to control almost everything in your home. Flip on the lights, turn on the sprinklers, find out if there's a toffee peanut under the couch. This thing was insanely expensive and made me pray that we're not too lazy to get up and make sure the doors are locked before going to bed.

Almost a month later I remembered one more cool item I'd seen from Denon, a premier audio receiver manufacturer (After all, Denon only make audio visual products, Yamaha makes motorcycles. Case closed).

The Denon 840W retails for $1,499.99 and has something called Audyssey EQ Control, a feature that employs filters that analyze hundreds of points in the audible frequency range and measures the tonal levels in dialogue and keeps the audio at a normal volume no matter what is playing.

Essentially all that means is that the way it calibrates audio will help you fight against one of most annoying things in the world: That time when you're watching your favorite TV show and it goes to commercial and the commercial is way too fucking loud and you reach for the remote but it falls to the side of the couch/bed so you can't lower it in time and by then it's too late because the freecreditreport guys are three-fourths done with their song.

Yes, it fights against that. I await your PayPal donations.