Click to enlarge. From Left to Right: Gwen “I’m Walking Into Spiderwebs” Stefani, Ferrari Model “Spyder”, John “Spider” Salley, Spider-Man, The Spiderwick Chronicles, A Spider Plant, Crabs (looking very Spider-y), Anderson “Spider” Silva, Emanuel “Webster” Lewis, That hidden spider on the one dollar bill, Spidey the Richmond University Spider Mascot, Carl “Spider” Lockhart, Spyder of Powerman 5000, A Spider Monkey, Charlotte’s Web, John “Star of Arachnophobia” Goodman.
As a member of the Anti-Spider Coalition I welcome you to a movement sparked by the same people behind Amistad 2: Freedom 4Ever (starring Pauley Shore). Our mission statement is simple: spiders must go. Out of our hair, off our walls, banished beyond the known galaxy. Spiders are at the root of most of life’s unnecessary heartaches. The A.S.C. has compiled a number of anti-spider arguments that will be posed in a creative way, much of which will be summarized in this article but may be expanded upon at later dates as new and annoying issues arise.
Much like the people you didn’t invite to your last birthday party, Spiders were the unwelcomed assholes that secretly crawled their way onto Noah’s Ark. Nestled in the fur of a grizzly bear they laid out plans for what their return to ground would entail:
1. Make webs, everywhere: Abandon old webs frivolously, create new ones at your leisure. Continue to spawn webs in high traffic areas, especially in-between houses and in driveways so that everyone who gets caught in them will flail their arms and broomsticks at what appears to be nothing to neighbors watching from across the street. Standby from a safe distance and watch as that person who walked into your web thinks that you’re in their hair or on their shirt.
2. Be a dick and bite every living organism: Just bite away, dude. Bite people on their foreheads and their ankles and just leave huge bumps and reddish skin that will last for days and days. Don’t wait to be attacked to defend yourself, just assume everyone hates you and bite every fucking thing. A baby thought your egg sack was a cotton ball? Attack it.
3. Never, ever get caught: Run on people’s walls and doors and just never get caught. Get chased around by everything from newspapers to Dixie cups, but never get caught. If caught, just stop moving and pretend you’re dead and then start running around again.
4. Kill people: Have poison, lots of it. Remember that old spittoon your dad left you and how cool it looks? Live inside of that until someone tries to clean it, then just try and bite them so that person dies.
5. Stop people from going to sleep: Remember rule number three about not getting caught? This is in that same vein. Walls, TVs, shoes, tables, pillows, blankets, light bulbs, lampshades, everything is fair game. Make sure you gain the slightest of eye contact and then it’s off to the races at 1:37am in the morning. There’s no doubt that person has to wake up early for work or school so you need to do everything in your power to hide behind books and under that old backpack. They’ll never find you, never go to sleep, and never ruin your old abandoned webs again.
There’s also the unexplainable act of spider-surfing.
Picture this: You just woke up to brush your teeth and you spot a nickel-sized spider cooling out in your sink, and guess what, it’s right near the drain. This should be simple. You stare it down for a few seconds hoping it doesn’t move then you reach for the hot side of the faucet flip it on and whoosh goes spidey. You’re a winner, right? Wrong. You throw on the Sensodyne, power up the electric toothbrush, fill your cup with water, look down and see a hair-sized limb peaking up from the drain. Are you fucking serious? You just let the water run for a good two minutes and this mother fucker surfed the waves and made his way back to the shore. Unbelievable. So now you think, alright, game on. Throw on the water again, add in some soap, spit at it, and give it another three minutes of Raging Waters. Somehow this arachnid goes Michael Phelps on you again. It curls into a ball and rolls down the drain only to reappear a second time. Eventually you gather the strength to smash it with an old face towel but are still amazed that this thing survived the galloons you threw at it. One of many reasons why spiders don’t deserve to coexist with us.
Having said all of that, I can think of only one exception where I technically rooted for a spider, but you’ll need to understand the circumstances. The year was 1991. My Kindergarten teacher Ms. Duran opened up class with a nature book about spiders that included terrifyingly detailed pictures of their eyes and limbs. Haunted, slightly traumatized, I suffered countless nightmares until several months later when I was exposed to one of the best pro-spider scenes in cinematic history. A little more than half-way through Home Alone we watch as Kevin McAllister picks up (he fucking touched it!) Buzz’s tarantula and places it on Marv’s face, who proceeds to shriek girlishly. Marv flips the tarantula off his chest only to have it land on Harry, who is then beaten by Marv as he tries to hit it with his crowbar. Technically, this was being pro-spider but only because it acted as the source of a man shrieking followed by a man getting beaten. It’s a technicality I have to deal with every day.
And finally, here is something to hold you all over until the next A.S.C. article. Here is the No Doubt “Spiderwebs” rewrite, complete with spider defaming lyrics (original lyrics and video here):
You know that we infect
That our intentions are suspect
We’ll walk right into your ears
Presumingly, we strike fear
And now you’re stuck in my web
I’ve got you for my prey...
Sorry I’m so web-happy
I make annoying spider webs
So you can get caught in them
While walking to your car
Webs are annoying
Don’t look now but
I just bit your back
I’m crawling down your spine
Just when you thought everything was fine
I’ve got the poison inside of me
Worse than anything carried by a bee
Skin abrasion, an egg sack nation
We’re planning our escape
And its all my fault
I once bit a guy on the balls
No matter who’s balls
I’m climbing all over your bedroom walls
Now my fangs go in deep
I’ll wake you in your sleep
Your dreams become nightmares
‘Cause I’m living in your ears
[Excessive Jibberish, add in several “No matter matter”s]