Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday, I'm In Love: By Abel

I know I told Mike my contribution to this blog was going to be about songs from the 70's, but seeing as how I'm the elder spokesman of this blog and I was actually born in the 70's, who better than myself to write about things that really chap my ass.

This weeks I'd like to discuss the holidays, mainly the retail industries obsession with black Friday. Now I'm not here to bash holidays, frankly I love turkey, pumpkin pie, tamales, gifts and Christmas lights as much as anyone. Maybe its just me getting older but it seems as though the holiday season creeps in sooner and sooner every year. It's almost as if best buy sets up dump bins with this years pile of shit no one wants hours after the last bag of Halloween candy is being ravaged.

I'm well aware that consumers need holiday sales to quench their thirst for insignia products and st. johns bay ties, but for fuck's sake, have some dignity. I can't seem to begin to comprehend the need for idiots to wait in line for days all while sleeping on the sidewalk and shitting in bushes. And for what? So that a bunch of seasonal employees can set up stacks of shit all over the store resembling the gauntlet on American gladiators, directing you towards the (insert product description here) you saved twenty four dollars on. Congrats fuckstick, you just did away with clean underpants for 72 hours for something that 9 times out of 10 is getting returned Dec 26. They wouldn't even make you wear the same underwear for three days straight as a challenge on fear factor because even a show where they eat worms and roaches knows that's just fucking disgusting.

The only saving grace for me is that every year now it seems as though more and more people are getting mugged while waiting in line or they're getting beat up for their (insert product name here) as they make their way to the car. Maybe its just me but there cant be anything worse than waiting in line in the cold and shitting yourself because you don't want to lose your place in line and miss out on that monster screen cleaner. That's right a grown ass human being is going to spend the day biting their lip and suffering from cold sweats trying to prevent that chocolate thunderstick from destroying their underpants.

So after losing all self respect and finally getting your hands on that teenage mutant ninja turtle van that your son hasn't wanted since 89 and that pentium ll processor compaq netbook, some piece of shit decides to punch you in the gut and take off with the netbook and turtle van. Call me old fashioned but I figure if im ever going to rob someone I'm not waking up before 11 am to do it and I'm sure as hell not going to risk prison time for some bugle boy jeans or a laptop that does less than my cell phone. I mean seriously what has this world come to when people cant even walk across a parking lot carrying a bristol farms fruit cake and a mr coffee without fearing for their lives.

In closing I'd just like to say be careful, be safe and most importantly, be home asleep on Nov 26, because I'm sure as shit not.

- Abel L.

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