Remember, Remember the 25th of November

The 25th of November bring a Friday that's black

A Friday in which I wish I could turn time back

People line up in droves to buy useless things

New employees not knowing what black Friday brings,

A Friday where people wait in line about 3 days ahead

The smells so repulsive, they stink worse than the dead

Missing Thanksgiving dinner thinking they'll get a steal

But how is saving 20 dollars on a piece of shit dynex a deal?

Sure store had bargains but that was a long time ago

Now retailers push out crap to customers because "What do they know?"

God forbid you get the last laptop deal and want to take it to your place

Because now you gotta look out for the black guy trying to punch you in the face,

This 25th of November take notice to what I said

The best way to spend black Friday is at home in your bed

I know this time last year this blog was filled with the same rants

But Im just trying to spare everyone a day standing behind someone who just shit there pants.

me > Russell Simmons' def poetry jam

-Lozano out

Black Friday: The Aftermath

It has been five days and a few hours since my last blog and these are my sins.

All confessional joking aside, I survived a sixth Black Friday. It was not easy. They never are. By far the worst part about Black Friday in retail is in the preparation and the stress of not knowing what to expect. For example, last year we prepared at the very last minute, got the tickets in a rush, threw all the specials on the floor and just hoped for the best. The outcome was overwhelming and our location did well more than we expected. This year, with all the years of experience, added time for preparation, and increased labor expense the dollars just weren't there. I'd like to thank the city of Cerritos for giving me the pleasure of having Westinghouse and Coby brand TVs in my overstock to try and sell through now (Fuck!).

For the past two years the hottest items on Black Friday were actually offered at some other point during the year, except now they're magnified by the hype. Take for example the Samsung TV and BluRay bundle for $999.99. There were loads better deals than this throughout 2010 but I guess nobody got their Sunday Press Telegram those weeks. We couldn't sell enough of these bundle deals. Everything was bundled. We sold bundles that had bundles attached to more bundles. Products will never be sold alone ever again on Black Friday. I wish PizzaHut would bundle in some quepapas, wings, and breadsticks on all of my future orders.

My ten hour shift was exhausting, not that I'm complaining. The day flew by and I consumed at least three regular Coca-Colas, one Sprite, one Vitamin water, and an unspecified amount of Domino's Pizza (that new seasoned crust is delicious, by the way). The day seemed like one big blur of people and shopping carts.

In the end, nobody was trampled, no cars were stolen, and no customers shouted like animals. Maybe my assessment is unfair since I didn't actually open like I did last year, but for the most part everyone behaved and got their cheap ass crap peacefully and orderly.

The Top Ten Things/People I Feel Sorry For On Black Friday

#10. One United Brand Porta Potty: This lonely fella has to accept the waste of over one hundred people over the next 30 hours. Yikes!

#9. Innocent, Trampled Morons: They know what they're getting into yet they still decide to risk it all for a Kindle. I don't have much sympathy for their bruises, but I honestly feel sorry for someone who can't save enough during the year so they have to camp out to save $35.

#8. Snails: Close to the entrance of where I work are hundreds of snails that hide in the bushes and later roam the sidewalks at night. Imagine the look on their faces when they see some 19 year-old Asian kid wearing Dre Beats headphones playing Pokemon with his friends. They were about to slime their way across the sidewalk for hours until you set up your tent, asshole.

#7. The Inventory/Merchandising Team: Signage, pricing, bulk stacks. Everything they work so hard for is knocked over and destroyed within minutes. You people are animals.

#6. Pizza Delivery Guys: I'm sure most businesses will be treating their employees to pizza that day. It has to suck carrying stacks of pizza in your car while trying to fight your way through traffic with a constant smell of marinara and cheese. The worst part is obviously not getting tipped. The second worst part is when you're delivering the pizza for the working staff and customers keep joking "Hey, where's my slice?!?!?". Fuck you, that's where it is. Get some.

#5. Employee Everyone Hates: Don't sit next to anyone in the breakroom, don't comment on any movie being watched, and don't talk about your last customer interaction. If you've managed to annoy every living being in your store then you don't deserve a friend on Black Friday.

#4. Money: Ewe.

#3. Cashiers: You guys have to touch most of the money. Ewe.

#2. Saturday Morning Janitors and Cleaning Crews: Call out! You don't want any piece of the aftermath. Think about how many people ruined the restroom, stained the carpet, and brought in foreign smells that seeped their way into every corner of the store. There's at least a few hours worth of vacuuming to be done before you can move on to waxing the floors.

#1. Decent Working Employees on Black Friday (Me, Abel, Mario, Veronica, formerly David and Daniel etc;) and Loss Prevention: We really don't deserve the torture we're put through. Really. We're bad people in many ways, but nobody deserves to be mistreated on this day. If you ask us to look up some obscure DVD for a movie that was made in 1954 or ask us about the difference between Samsung and LG we are not going to meet your request. Do not be so surprised or upset with this. It's the busiest shopping day of the year. Get in, get out. If it's not on the floor, we probably don't have it. If you weren't in line for a door buster, it's probably sold out. Loss Prevention will suffer the brunt of most complaints simply because they're at the front of the store. "You need more cashiers!", "The bathroom is a mess!", and "I can't believe you sold out of (blank)!" will be the most popular lines. I feel sorry for every Loss Prevention employee and hope they have enough will to keep from getting fired.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, I'm in love 2: Electric Boogaloo by Abel

My last post was about my hatred of black Friday, but unfortunately it ran kind of long so there was a couple of things left unsaid. Hopefully this time I'll cross all the T's and dot all the I's because somehow I don't think Friday, I'm in love 3: season of the witch (that's for you Danny) will make it before the 26th.

After googling this years batch of black Friday ad-stravaganzas, I have come to a couple of conclusions, the most important of those being that people in this country are fucking retarded. I know I'm not the smartest person alive, but even I know that after looking at all the advertisements I quickly realized that the things in there are pretty much horse shit labeled with great household electronic names like Koss, Colby, and Gpx.I Guarantee you if could ask the people who are gonna be waiting in line on black Friday, if they would buy the same product for the same price in April or May, they would all say no.

So why is that? Do shoppers really believe they're getting some kind of bargain? Do they somehow believe that retailers are actually losing money on merchandise that day? I mean why on earth would herds of people wait in for about 3 or 4 days if they weren't robbing the store blind that day?

The answer is rather simple, people are stupid.

Sure there are a couple of really good deals out there, but nothing that would require a rational human being to wait more than an hour for. Too many people are blinded by the low price to realize that they're buying some old out of date model, i.e. tv's that aren't 1080p or only have only one hdmi output, or computers with low storage or slow processor. Yet somehow the feel the need to be in line for 3 days. I find it hard to believe that more people don't realize how simple it would be to save money to avoid waiting in line. If you worked like 3 or 4 extra days a year, worked overtime about twice in a work year, perhaps some thing as simple as taking your own lunch once a week, hell, if people took up a part time job a Cinnabon for 2 weeks, the money earned would be more than the amount of money saved for waiting in line for so long.

But the thing that really chaps my ass (that's for you Mike) are the customers who are stupid enough to believe that everything is on sale. "Its black Friday, isn't everything supposed to be like 50 percent off?" No idiot, it's not. You waited outside for nothing, now get out of my face you smell like armpit and feet.

In closing, be safe careful again, be safe again and most importantly I hope that when I'm at work at 2 a.m. you wake up with thanksgiving diarrhea. (Tha'ts for you Dave) Cheers bitches.

- Abel L.

Friday, I'm In Love: By Abel

I know I told Mike my contribution to this blog was going to be about songs from the 70's, but seeing as how I'm the elder spokesman of this blog and I was actually born in the 70's, who better than myself to write about things that really chap my ass.

This weeks I'd like to discuss the holidays, mainly the retail industries obsession with black Friday. Now I'm not here to bash holidays, frankly I love turkey, pumpkin pie, tamales, gifts and Christmas lights as much as anyone. Maybe its just me getting older but it seems as though the holiday season creeps in sooner and sooner every year. It's almost as if best buy sets up dump bins with this years pile of shit no one wants hours after the last bag of Halloween candy is being ravaged.

I'm well aware that consumers need holiday sales to quench their thirst for insignia products and st. johns bay ties, but for fuck's sake, have some dignity. I can't seem to begin to comprehend the need for idiots to wait in line for days all while sleeping on the sidewalk and shitting in bushes. And for what? So that a bunch of seasonal employees can set up stacks of shit all over the store resembling the gauntlet on American gladiators, directing you towards the (insert product description here) you saved twenty four dollars on. Congrats fuckstick, you just did away with clean underpants for 72 hours for something that 9 times out of 10 is getting returned Dec 26. They wouldn't even make you wear the same underwear for three days straight as a challenge on fear factor because even a show where they eat worms and roaches knows that's just fucking disgusting.

The only saving grace for me is that every year now it seems as though more and more people are getting mugged while waiting in line or they're getting beat up for their (insert product name here) as they make their way to the car. Maybe its just me but there cant be anything worse than waiting in line in the cold and shitting yourself because you don't want to lose your place in line and miss out on that monster screen cleaner. That's right a grown ass human being is going to spend the day biting their lip and suffering from cold sweats trying to prevent that chocolate thunderstick from destroying their underpants.

So after losing all self respect and finally getting your hands on that teenage mutant ninja turtle van that your son hasn't wanted since 89 and that pentium ll processor compaq netbook, some piece of shit decides to punch you in the gut and take off with the netbook and turtle van. Call me old fashioned but I figure if im ever going to rob someone I'm not waking up before 11 am to do it and I'm sure as hell not going to risk prison time for some bugle boy jeans or a laptop that does less than my cell phone. I mean seriously what has this world come to when people cant even walk across a parking lot carrying a bristol farms fruit cake and a mr coffee without fearing for their lives.

In closing I'd just like to say be careful, be safe and most importantly, be home asleep on Nov 26, because I'm sure as shit not.

- Abel L.

'Tis The Season?

Sought: Wal-Mart shoppers who trampled NY worker

NEW YORK – Police were reviewing video from surveillance cameras in an attempt to identify who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker after a crowd of post-Thanksgiving shoppers burst through the doors at a suburban store and knocked him down.

Criminal charges were possible, but identifying individual shoppers in Friday's video may prove difficult, said Detective Lt. Michael Fleming, a Nassau County police spokesman.

--

It's good to know the holidays bring out the best in everyone. I hope that $10 savings on scented candles was worth it.

Unbelievable.

Even the mind-frozen consumerist zombies in 1978's Dawn of the Dead were more polite than these assholes. I can't even enjoy Beat Street right now on Turner Classic Movie Channel because I made the mistake of checking Yahoo! News.

Black Friday IV: Insignia's Revenge.

For anyone who hasn't worked in retail, Black/Green Friday is the grandest day of the year for employees to celebrate the following:

• Trampled Citizens
• Use of the Phrase "Bait and Switch"
• First dibs on hiding that FOX Television series on DVD that's $20/$30 cheaper behind a cabinet OR behind a Special Interest DVD nobody wants
  
• Stolen Cars in the Parking Lot
• Stolen Items from Cars in the Parking Lot
• Stolen Cars, And The Items Bundled With Them
• Work Breaks, On Time, and Often Longer/More Frequent Courtesy of Your Sympathetic/Distracted Manager
• Frustrated Old People (Why are they here?)
• That Guy Who's Complaining At Customer Service Because It Took 23 Minutes To Find A Parking Spot (Also, his car was stolen)
• The Employee Break Room Filled With Employees You Never See Any More And Hope To Never See Again
• That Manager You Hate Trips Over Something
  
• The $14.89 Price Difference of Same Item At Local Competitor

It's the most wonderful time of the year.