Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Top Ten Things/People I Feel Sorry For On Black Friday

#10. One United Brand Porta Potty: This lonely fella has to accept the waste of over one hundred people over the next 30 hours. Yikes!

#9. Innocent, Trampled Morons: They know what they're getting into yet they still decide to risk it all for a Kindle. I don't have much sympathy for their bruises, but I honestly feel sorry for someone who can't save enough during the year so they have to camp out to save $35.

#8. Snails: Close to the entrance of where I work are hundreds of snails that hide in the bushes and later roam the sidewalks at night. Imagine the look on their faces when they see some 19 year-old Asian kid wearing Dre Beats headphones playing Pokemon with his friends. They were about to slime their way across the sidewalk for hours until you set up your tent, asshole.

#7. The Inventory/Merchandising Team: Signage, pricing, bulk stacks. Everything they work so hard for is knocked over and destroyed within minutes. You people are animals.

#6. Pizza Delivery Guys: I'm sure most businesses will be treating their employees to pizza that day. It has to suck carrying stacks of pizza in your car while trying to fight your way through traffic with a constant smell of marinara and cheese. The worst part is obviously not getting tipped. The second worst part is when you're delivering the pizza for the working staff and customers keep joking "Hey, where's my slice?!?!?". Fuck you, that's where it is. Get some.

#5. Employee Everyone Hates: Don't sit next to anyone in the breakroom, don't comment on any movie being watched, and don't talk about your last customer interaction. If you've managed to annoy every living being in your store then you don't deserve a friend on Black Friday.

#4. Money: Ewe.

#3. Cashiers: You guys have to touch most of the money. Ewe.

#2. Saturday Morning Janitors and Cleaning Crews: Call out! You don't want any piece of the aftermath. Think about how many people ruined the restroom, stained the carpet, and brought in foreign smells that seeped their way into every corner of the store. There's at least a few hours worth of vacuuming to be done before you can move on to waxing the floors.

#1. Decent Working Employees on Black Friday (Me, Abel, Mario, Veronica, formerly David and Daniel etc;) and Loss Prevention: We really don't deserve the torture we're put through. Really. We're bad people in many ways, but nobody deserves to be mistreated on this day. If you ask us to look up some obscure DVD for a movie that was made in 1954 or ask us about the difference between Samsung and LG we are not going to meet your request. Do not be so surprised or upset with this. It's the busiest shopping day of the year. Get in, get out. If it's not on the floor, we probably don't have it. If you weren't in line for a door buster, it's probably sold out. Loss Prevention will suffer the brunt of most complaints simply because they're at the front of the store. "You need more cashiers!", "The bathroom is a mess!", and "I can't believe you sold out of (blank)!" will be the most popular lines. I feel sorry for every Loss Prevention employee and hope they have enough will to keep from getting fired.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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