Friday, December 24, 2010

2010: Year In Review

Fix yourself an Arnold Palmer, reheat those boneless chicken wings, try to dim that swirly looking energy efficient light bulb and prepare to waste the next few minutes for infinite amounts of et cetera courtesy of yours truly as I look back at some memorable items from 2010.

Disappointments and Let Downs:

Biggest IEC Disappointment: In November, IEC contributor Daniel promised us bi-monthly blog entries for his Psychobilly Sweet Tooth feature but we’ve yet to see one official submission. His penance will be a five-hundred word essay on why he finds joy in teasing us all. We feel like the dog who chases that which was never thrown. Please, stop flinching your wrist and throw the ball.

Biggest Personal Disappointment: In the two months leading up to April I was sick at least once a week, throwing up what looked like ground up coffee beans and lemon flavored Gatorade. The attacks were usually brought on by the consumption of spicy foods at very late hours. What felt like shards of glass dipped in Tabasco sauce rolled around inside my body for at least a few weeks until one day at work I threw up blood, turned a lighter shade of Simpsons yellow, and got sent to the emergency room. The fact that it took me so long to get right and also assuming the issue would resolve itself on its own earned me the Gallstone of Shame award (opposite of the Telxon of Freedom award).

Biggest Global or National Disappointment: The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico takes top honors and is self explanatory. For them, the city of New Orleans hadn’t suffered enough. In a distant second are all the millions of people who watched or were involved in the making of Jersey Shore, Grown Ups, American Idol, Tooth Fairy, or Yogi Bear.

Burst of the Worst:

Worst Birthday Present: Getting chainsawed in Gears of War 2 by Veronica.

Worst Food Related Idea: It’s a tie between my decision to eat a green chili pepper at Narai Thai and the time I tried to make chicken tenders in a frying pan and used way too much salt. Leave the cooking to the real chefs at Norm’s.

Worst Experience In A Car: Even though I wasn’t driving I’ll never forget the time someone decided to take flash photography at night while on a busy freeway. In case you hadn’t heard, having a flash go off while you do 80 on the 101 isn’t the best idea. How somebody over the age of 40 thought it was appropriate to go paparazzi on some sky scrapers while in the backseat of a compact car I’ll never know.

Worst City Visited: Unfortunately my line of work calls for the occasional trip out of town. Last year I was sent to Phoenix and this year I had the pleasure of experiencing Orlando. Avoid going here at all costs. We already have Disneyland, Universal Studios, and lots of sunshine. My dad visited the majority of Florida many years ago and what he told me was true: There are millions of bugs everywhere and if you walk outside of an air conditioned room you will immediately begin to sweat. You can’t go anywhere without feeling like you’re trapped inside of a plastic bag. The claims of extreme humidity are completely accurate and you’ll need to shower a minimum of three times a day. Orlando is pointless if you live in Los Angeles.

Achievements and Triumphs:

Biggest IEC Achievement: The return! After a meeting of the minds and some playful arm twisting Infinite Et Cetera regained its place in the blogosphere. It’s good to be back and see the increase in page views. Every time you click refresh an angel gets its wings. Anyways, it wouldn’t have been made possible without the other contributors so thank you all for your help in the rebirth.

Biggest Personal Achievement: I don’t know how long it was supposed to take for me to learn how to use chopsticks, but this year I fucking nailed it. I practiced often and tried to find the right balance especially when picking up sushi pieces. I’ve eaten more Japanese cuisine simply because I’m no longer embarrassed to ask for a fork.

Biggest Global or National Achievement: In August the H1N1 (Swine Flu) pandemic was officially declared over and in October thirty-three miners that were trapped in a Chilean mine were rescued after being stuck for 69 days. But the real achievement is the fact that only 0.0064% of the United States population paid to watch Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in Knight and Day. The film grossed just $20 million dollars opening weekend and at ten dollars a ticket that meant that just two million people out of 311 million saw the movie. Last year I wrote about how disappointed I was to see that Paul Blart: Mall Cop made close to $40 million dollars opening weekend and now, thankfully, America has redeemed itself just a little.

You’re Simply The Best:

Best IEC Related Moment: At David’s going away party everyone was in good spirits, including the man of honor himself as he performed the infamous DX crotch chopping gesture in my direction. Thank you for that memory David.

Best Discovery: Sushi.

Best Rediscovery: Hawaiian BBQ Kettle Chips.

Biggest (Best?) Surprise: I still can’t believe how many hospital bills I received after having gallbladder surgery. I got a bill from the hospital, a bill from the nurses, bills from all the doctors, surgeons, anesthesiologists, consultants, and the entire god damn medical community. I would’ve trashed the hospital room Vegas style had I known I’d be billed over one thousand dollars for three days and two nights. And that’s without ordering any expensive hot dogs, Bud Lights, chicken wings, or pornography.

Best Amusement Park Moment: While walking through the haunted house at Universal Studios I was accompanied by a terrified anonymous person who was clinging to the center of my back as we slowly trotted past actors in make-up who popped out of dark unknown corners. Normally I’d poke fun at the reaction of this person but seeing as how I’m still afraid of spiders and kicked the air while shouting “Oh Shit!” after being surprised in a well lit room I’m going to lay off.

Best Way To Feel Like An Embarrassed Douche/Ass: When I quit excessive drinking in March I assumed that meant my fear of looking a fool was mostly over with. After all, I set the bar high over the past 12 months by throwing up in my girlfriend’s brother-in-law’s rose garden after drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels or by referring to who I assumed to be a female customer as “Sir” at least three times only to be sternly corrected. Instead, my experiences with the XBOX Kinect or Playstation Move are the 2010 winners of this category. Take for example my dancing performance to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. Never have I ever had to choreograph moving my shoulder in towards my knee while seconds later fist-pumping three times in succession followed by an arms-folded lean back motion. Seeing the words “flawless” light up in neon pink on the screen and watching the recap of my horrible dancing moves captured via mini-cam didn’t help me feel any better. I won’t go into detail either about how horrible I was at Playstation Move’s Frisbee golf challenge but you can imagine how great I looked doing it.

Best Vacation Moment: This year I drove the farthest I’d ever driven and made way to Las Vegas for St. Patrick’s Day. While my girlfriend and I were dancing (no I wasn’t) to some Lil’ John song at Club Rok some Archie-looking white guy walked over to us and screamed “Yeahhhh!” as he put his hand on both of us. Even though I ended up winning $500 from a slot machine I still think that random act takes the cake.

That wraps up my recap of 2010. There’s a lot more that happened and deserved an award but I’m on page two of a Word file which means that any more writing would put you all to sleep if it hasn’t already.

- Mike O.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Chili Mistakes. Yes been there. Died for them. No amount of water cures it.

I suppose it might be good for your pout.